So, It has been a crazy time since february. Time with out meds, mania, time back on meds, now depression.

It is such a pain to pull out of an "episode".

Fun time, bad time, sad time.

I just want to be stable again. I feel like the months since february were a dream. My mind has been altered and it feels like it wasn't "me".

Trying to act normal and socialize again and move on with things. I feel like this is almost a different life than before the manic episode.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like they are a different person when they pull out of an episode?

[~Christina]

I am very confused when I come out of am episode.... especially one that is drawn out.

A few years ago I went through a horrible 9 months where I was literally all over the place depressed to manic to mixed...... wash rinse and repeat over and over ...and I really never thought I would ever feel "ok" again.. Eventually I was spit out and I wrote myself letters, It was a reminder that no matter how bleak things seemed.... It cycles.

Every time I find myself in that dark unrelenting place I pull a letter out and read it as many times a day as I need to... Day by day , hour by hour minute by minute if need be, just to keep myself aware that..... Yes I have been in that dark hopeless place before, but .... I made my way back ...each and every time.

I have written myself many letters.. Its not a cure all.. But it helps me to keep going, helps me to self ground.

Bipolar cycles , That is the only constant

It is so hard to force myself to be social. What was so easy when manic, becomes work when depressed.
It must be strange to be my friend. Outgoing, outgoing outgoing. Isolate.
Rinse and repeat.

I think that people think I am unfriendly or aloof. Nice and then reclusive. I truly feel like 2 different people sometimes.

[lunaticfringe]

I totally relate to this notion of being a different person after an episode. My last manic episode I could not have been more different than I am now. I barely remember most of it but everything about my daily habits and beliefs was entirely different. I want to be stable too. It's all I want. I'm working towards it.

It's really hard. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you. I am feeling better. It is just that I can't remember how it was before. When I was stabilized.

I mean I remember pre-episode, I was more stress-free. It is hard to explain. I just have lingering anxiety now that isn't going away.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I always feel very different when ill. There's this man who does groups in the hospital who seems to think he has me figured out. I really like him but it annoys me that he thinks he has me figured out from just reading my chart (which includes a suicide note so that's something but not really daily me) and spending some time with me. He doesn't seem to get that I'm at my worst in the hospital and am much less intense when I'm not that sick. It's always a weird dynamic.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/28/ma...-disorder.html

This is a long article but very good. Towards the end, the author describes losing her sense of self.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

That was a very good article. Thanks for sharing. I went through a long period of grieving for the loss of who I had been when I had to give up working. I went through all the phases of grief for several months; so much of how I defined myself was through my profession and losing it meant losing myself. I still haven't found a new self that works for me yet. I don't know if I ever will.

[seacrets2life]

After going undiagnosed for most of my life, at age 48 after starting mood stabilizers I feel like I'm just starting to figure out the "real" me. Being stable for any amount of time is a brand new feeling. To not be constantly ruled by my emotions, to carry out a thought without being bombarded by anxiety and fear, to be around men socially and not inappropriately crave sex with them...all new. This Bipolar I'm learning is truly capable of altering identities, and it's so frustrating that others usually cannot really understand, especially with BipolarII, when it can be so subtle and yet so destructive. I have to be forever vigilant to maintain "me", people around me typically have no idea of my daily battle. You are not alone.