In hospital,kinda got talked into it

bunnifoo · May 24, 2015, 06:33 PM

So... I was having a rough Feb due to physcal illness and the realization my relationship of 7 years needed to end. It took an emotional toll and I took a leave of absence from work and was going to therapy 3 x a week. That was kinda making things worse so I went to an intensive outpatient program.

I did okay , after I reisisted for the first two weeks. I made progress. I learned DBT skills (mostly). I went to return to work part time and the first day was anxiety filled, the second day was worse and I left early. I had 2 scheduled days off and then I had another medical situation so another day off. Went to go in Saturday (yesterday really can't believe it) and I couldn't get even use the DBT skills to get dressed.

I've been having intrusive self sabatoge thoughts... mostly about doing drastic things (quit my job, cause a car accident, steal) to.... that would cause a new crisis that would mean I didn't have to deal with the current stress for awhile.

Those ahd been gone for about 3 weeks. I was doing really well. Then I was doing bad and my therapist was out of town for hte holiday so I called a crisis center and now I'm the hospital.

I didn't even think I'd end up here so I did't pack a bag and my ex boyfriend had to bring me stuff. I won't see the "regular" doctor until Tuesday because of the holiday. I voluntarily signed myself in so I can sigh myself out against AMA. But I want to at least talk to the "regular" doctor.

I know my lithium levels were really low so they are increasing that. THey are increasing other meds as well. So far I've only gone to a few groups.

I can have my crhomebook (which is what I'm on now) but it's not my regular computer. I have my phone, but again, not my regular computer. I miss my cat. I want some privacy (I have a roommate but if no one gets admitted and people get discharged that may change). I'm a ....chatty introvert... I like talking to people on a certain level but I need my alone time to recharge and I'm not getting that. Of course that also means I have a tendancy to isolate.

I'm not sure how I feel about being here. There's a thing where I can get items from the gift shop at no cost but that won't go into effect until Tuesday (doesn't run on weekends or I think on holidays). Nto sure what I'd get, but face lotion would be nice and I forgot to ask my ex bf to bring a stuffed animal for me. I'm almost 42 years old and I want a stuffed toy.Mostly just something soft to pet.

He's visiting me soon and I may ask him to get me somthing, I know exasctly what I want.

Don't have any friends in the area or family... I moved to this state to be with th ex so he would be my only visitor. Which sucks.

Mom came to visit me she left on Wednesday. When she was here she said she thinks (and has thought ) I should apply for disablity. I do have a full time job (which I haven't been at since mid march )but it's retail and before that Id din't work for a year because of anxiety and stress over a work related situation. Maybe the job I have on a salesfloor is too much and I need to step down to something else. I don't know and everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't worry about it, but not having an idea for the future ...even if it's just a vague one....makes me more anxious.

Don't really know why I'm posting except to post. I may go wonder out for the art group that's going on,

Brophy · May 24, 2015, 09:19 PM

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time. IP can be a good place to find stability for yourself. I know I've considered it recently especially with a recent break up.

Angelique67 · May 25, 2015, 04:36 AM

I hope you'll feel a lot better soon. When I was inpatient last time, I didn't have any visitors at all because I felt too paranoid to tell my friend where I was. Or my family. It was rough.

bunnifoo · May 25, 2015, 08:26 AM

The important people know. There are a few I want to tell but not sure how they'll react to the hospitalzation. THey know about the mental illness part, I'm pretty open about it. ANd even if I can pass as normal for short amouts of time most people can figure out there's something "off" about me. So I might as well fill them in,

Luckily my job has been really really supportive

token451 · May 26, 2015, 12:37 AM

Retail is such a stressful environment. I was an assistant manager in a store that kept track of everyones' personal sales and store sales as a whole. They would call you out on shortcomings every week and sometimes daily. It was so stressful that I left. After moving, retail was all I could find but I refused a sales position and went with a support position that allows me to work by myself for the most part and decide what tasks I do and when I do them. It is incredibly stressful to be outgoing and engaging with customers all day if you aren't naturally inclined. Stress is my biggest trigger. Stepping away from sales helped me. The best job I ever had was one where I got to give back to others, all of my stress just melted away. I hope you can find what works for you.

bunnifoo · May 26, 2015, 10:07 AM

I've been on the sales floor for almost a year and it's actually less stress than the previous position answerign the phone , fielding calls, and taking online orders, chekcing on orders, delaing with customers.

I'm really good with small talk, and I like what I sell so that's good, and hte office jobs around here all want people to do "light book keeping" or payroll and I'm not good with numbers. Working as just a cashier bores me.

So I'm kind of running out of options. I'm really hoping I can go back to work.

And my manager and assistant manager and supervisor are really great...I don't ever want to have one of those positions because of the added responsibility but they are good about making sure we're adequately staffed. I asked for all opening shifts and the same 2 days off every week and got that.

I don't have a degree of any kind so finding a job that would be mentally engaging but not too stressful is really hard. It keeps feeling like I'm backsliding.

I'll finally be meeting with the treatment team and get some answers to some questions and an idea of how long I'll be here. There are some things I'd like to ask if Ican have from home (that I forgot to ask about originally) but no point in doing that if I'll leave soon.

bunnifoo · May 28, 2015, 06:40 PM

Looks like i'll be discharged Monday. They are trying to work on getting me into a partial hospitalization program or the intensive outpatient at the same place. The director of the intensive outpatient place I was at before didn't think I needed that. And when I left I was in good shape but I wasn't facing the stress of going back to work and navigating this without support.

I'm really concerned about not having a support system in place and I don't think a group therapy program once a week and therapy twice a week is going to help immediately.

So the plan is to do a step down thing - partial for a bit, then intensive outpatient AND go to work and have the ability to go back to the IOP and talk about it. Don't know if they'll allow me to see my therapist (the ohter place didn't).

If that doesn't work I need a plan in place so my "homework" is to write up sample time of what my day would look like if I was just working 12 hours a week going to therapy 2x and group once.

I really wish I had family to visit.

May 31, 2015, 07:28 AM

Thinking of you, how're you doing today?

HALLIEBETH87 · May 31, 2015, 08:03 AM

I can't read long posts right now but wish you well!!!!

bunnifoo · Jun 01, 2015, 05:56 PM

I cracked the screen on my chromebook the other day. So haven't checked in. Luckily I've that covered and can get it replaced. Some alarm kept going off and I slept through most of it but between that and the night staff NOT CLOSING THE DOOR after head check I woke up really early. One of the alarms is right outside the door of "my room" and it started goign on and off and startled me and I ended having an accident with the chromeobook.

I don't know what it was but most of the night staff were great about night checks...discrete and would close the door. But last night and the night before someone kept leaving my door open so not a lot of sleep.

I was discharged today. Didn't go to any groups, but that was okay the therapist doing most of them today is one I didn't really click with.

I'm kind of torn about being out....there are good things -I am alone in my house! I got to pet my cat! Tonight no one will open my bedroom door (it will be open because of aforementioned cat). Also there were 2 new patients there were just loud and wanted to watch TV all the time and 1 guy he *****ed about stuff and I'm pretty sure he has an eating disorder but he'd deny it. I don't think I ever saw him when he wasn't about to eat, finished eating, eating, or complaining about his meals getting messed up and getting another one. He was glad to be on the floor and went to all the groups but just... I dunno hard personality to deal with.

Also there wasn't a definitive plan for discharge. The partial hospitalization program is out becuase my insurance won't pay for it. There was another place they were trying to get info about but hand't heard back.

I see my therapist tomorrow and we're going to talk about stuff and work on a plan. Figure out some way for me to have more theraputic support.

One medical person today asked if I was going back to work on Wednesday, just see about going back for an hour or two. And I said no. Wednesday I'm going to play online and read and do wahtever I want and not leave the house unless I want to.

I was admitted a week ago Saturday, the thursday before that Mom went home after a 9 day visit. I love her but I had an unexpected doctor's appointment on Friday and so I have either been doing stuff and totally having anxiety attacks or in the hospital. I want at least one day just to be.

Plus I want to have a plan in place so I can call work and tell them "I can be tehre on these days/times" and then not have anxiety so bad that I end up back in the hospital.

However, I will be going back by there tomorrow. There were two women who don't have anyone relaly. One has a friend who lives over an hour away but doesn't have a working car, the other has a husband who lives 2 hours away. I didn't have anyone but my ex bf who came by and took me out. But they both talked about seeing other patients with lots of visitors and little treats and flowers.

So tomorrow I'm going to take them each a bouquet of flowers and one dark chocolate and the a small volume of poetry because we did a poetry thing and she'd never really read poetry and never wrote anything and what she wrote was so beautiful and I shared some of my favorites and she was just... happy and amazed. Plus it's her birthday in a few days and I know what it's like to spend your birthday in the hospital.

I asked if it was okay and talked ot one woman about it and everyone was okay. The other one I couldn't get a chance so I'm going to surprise her. I'm not doing anything extravagant just something to make their stay brighter.

And make me feel like I made a real connection with people even if it was just brief and possibly fleeting.

BeyondtheRainbow · Jun 01, 2015, 06:23 PM

I'm glad that you are out.

That is so nice of you to do that for the others. I was in once with a bunch of people who came the day before me. All of them just were getting ADs started/adjusted rapidly and I was in for akathesia/serious mania. We had meals together and enjoyed being together although I was constantly leaving to go pace so wasn't as close as they were. But when they all left and I was still there (and too far for visitors to come plus I haven't wanted to share that part of my life with my mom) it was hard. It happened again the next time I was in; that one was over Christmas and a bunch of people went home the 27th and left me and one other woman (and the beds filled quickly) until I left the 29th or 30th. That 2nd time i hadn't established the relationships as the time before though. It's really hard to be left behind.

I don't think I could go back as a visitor. You are very strong.

They do the door open thing at my hospital too. They wait until they think people are asleep and then leave doors open. And the beds by the doors do not have curtains to block the light. I wasn't sleeping last time and kept pointedly getting up and closing the door every time they left it open. It made me so mad because it was hard enough to sleep without light in my face and having to get out of bed and close the door over and over. They don't do all the rounds they are supposed to or I would really have been annoyed.