 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Jun 02, 2015, 05:19 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Yesterday was the viewing for my husband. I made it through pretty well, better than my sister in law did. I was touched to see the hundreds (yes hundreds - he touched many lives) who came out to pay their final respects. Today was SO much worse. Today I actually had to bury my husband. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We had an open casket for him and I just clung to him at the end. I didn't want to let go. Letting go meant I would never see him ever again. But I had to let go. I wanted to hop into the casket with him.
I can't do this on my own. I want to be with him that's all I want. I want to die to see him again. I don't want to be here without him. I don't want to live. I wish I didn't have my son. I would have killed myself the second I found him and realized he was dead. I just want to die. He can't be gone he just can't be its NOT FAIR I lost my father at ten and that nearly killed me. My husband was the one who saved me from myself. And then he has saved me from myself again when bipolar went all haywire on me again. What do I do without him? Who will ever love me as much as him? My family is here for me but it's not the same I could talk to him about anything. And now he's gone. And I failed him. I knew he was so upset about the fight he had with his mother. He was struggling with trauma from his past and his great aunt had just died. And he told me to go to bed and I asked him if he was going to be safe and he said yes don't worry about me. Because he had already decided to do drugs. He didn't know it would be his last time. I wish he would have talked to me. but he was too worried about me because I had told him I was depressed. If I hadn't been depressed maybe he would have talked to me instead of using. I'm just so sorry and I cried to him and told him that today I'm so sorry for being so selfish and only seeing my problems and not being able to be there for him I just can't stand it. I can't do this on my own all I want to do is scream and I can't. No one will leave me alone because they are afraid I will hurt myself. And they are damn right I ****ing will I have no reason not to. I just don't have an instrument to use. I know it will get better but it sure doesn't ****ing feel like it right now. I love him so much I don't see how I can ever let him go. I am lost. I am broken. I wish it were me and not him. And I know how easy I can make that happen but I can't leave my son all alone in the world. It's just not fair.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
 Anonymous100270, Anonymous200280, Anonymous45023, Anonymous48690, Atypical_Disaster, BeyondtheRainbow, BipolaRNurse, BlackSheep79, Blitter2014, cakeladie, Capriciousness, electricbipolargirl, elevatedsoul, Gavinandnikki, HALLIEBETH87, Iamalioness, kindachaotic, LettinG0, Nammu, raspberrytorte, Row Jimmy, Skywalking, Wander, wiretwister, x_BabyG_x, ~Christina
|
|
#2
Jun 02, 2015, 06:57 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Its not fair. Its not fair and Im sorry youre going through this. I cant imagine your pain and I hate it for you. Please, think of your son. He needs you. He loves you.
We all care for you here and I hope it gets easier in the coming days. I don't understand what youre going through, but I care. *hugs*
__________________
schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
|
#3
Jun 02, 2015, 07:30 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
(((((((((((((((((((Wildflower))))))))))))))))))))
 
|
|
#4
Jun 02, 2015, 07:57 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
|
#5
Jun 02, 2015, 08:13 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
My heart goes out to you
You and your son are in my prayers
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
|
#6
Jun 02, 2015, 09:28 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
|
|
#7
Jun 02, 2015, 10:32 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Say hun....I so luv you!
I just so wish you strength, love, peace. I so wish that I can hold your hand. ((((Hugs)))) |
|
#8
Jun 03, 2015, 05:19 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
(Ooops, it double posted...)
|
|
#9
Jun 03, 2015, 05:21 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
wildflowerchild You're right. It totally isn't fair and an unfathomably terrible thing to have to go through, and I can't imagine. But even in admittedly very limited comprehension, realize I'd very likely react the same way, so it's an intense read, and I'm glad that you have PC as an outlet. It is good to let it out. Please be gentle with yourself. Sending lots of good thoughts for strength your way... 
|
|
#10
Jun 03, 2015, 09:05 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
im really sorry for your loss
i try to remind myself that when we leave this planet we go to a better place we're all here for you!
__________________
|
|
#11
Jun 03, 2015, 09:15 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I'm sobbing. I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you constantly.
|
 wildflowerchild25
|
|
#12
Jun 03, 2015, 09:39 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I don't have any wise words for you but I am so very sorry. Please post here and rant and rave and cry as much as you need to.
__________________
BP II --200 mg lamictal---900mg lithium---.5 xanax |
|
#13
Jun 03, 2015, 06:17 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Possible trigger:
I'm sorry to post so much here but I have no one else who will understand the double struggle of death and bp. No one has to respond. I just need to get it out. I am in serious danger tonight. But at least no one will leave me alone.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous100270, Anonymous200280, Anonymous45023, BipolaRNurse, electricbipolargirl, kindachaotic, Nammu, raspberrytorte, Wander, ~Christina
|
|
#14
Jun 03, 2015, 06:23 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
|
#15
Jun 03, 2015, 06:49 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
((((((Wildflower))))))). Even though others can't understand please tell them how you feel, just getting it out can help.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
|
#16
Jun 03, 2015, 06:54 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
My heart breaks for you.. please be there for your son.. He needs you very much. if you can't be strong for you, but strong for him.
Stay safe
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
| wildflowerchild25
|
|
#17
Jun 03, 2015, 09:44 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I am catching up on my reading - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
|
|
#18
Jun 03, 2015, 09:55 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I am reading this through tears. Your grief and pain are palpable and I wish I could reach through this screen to hug you until you feel better. I also wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't.....all I can say is I will keep you in my prayers. I have a husband who is battling stage IV pancreatic cancer and this hits very close to home because I can't even imagine wanting to exist a single day after he's gone. I am so sorry.
__________________
DX: Bipolar 1 Anxiety Tardive dyskinesia Mild cognitive impairment RX: Celexa 20 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN Lamictal 500 mg Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression) Trazodone 150 mg Zyprexa 7.5 mg Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com |
| Anonymous100270
|
| wildflowerchild25
|
|
#19
Jun 03, 2015, 09:57 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I just want to fight someone. cutting helped for an hour. Now I'm back where I started. Sleep soon hopefully. At least a little reprieve from hell.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous100270, Anonymous37883, Anonymous45023, raspberrytorte, ~Christina
|
|
#20
Jun 04, 2015, 02:11 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I am so sorry for your pain.
|
|
#21
Jun 04, 2015, 02:38 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Saying I feel for you, or that I am sorry just doesn't express the true feelings I wish to convey to someone in so much pain.
Please hang in there for the sake of your son, he needs you now more than he has ever needed anyone in his life. And you need him. He is not a replacement for your husband, nor will he ever be. But from our point of view, from your sons point of view, you can never be replaced either. And you failed no one. Not then and not now. I really do feel for you. xXx
__________________
"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes"  Success and failure are two of many words we get to define, not society. Our success depends on definition and intentions, not actions |
|
#22
Jun 04, 2015, 03:11 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
You are still at the forefront of my thoughts. Hang in there. Breathe, you can breathe through anything and thats all you need to keep doing at the moment. I wish I could offer more support, but please keep posting, use this as an outlet as much as you need to - we're all here for you.
|
|
#23
Jun 04, 2015, 08:54 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Were you able to get any sleep ?
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
|
#24
Jun 04, 2015, 12:03 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Yes I slept. Thanks for asking. Today I feel like there is a rock on my chest weighing me down. I want to stay in bed. But I have things to do. Im going to the apartment now to feed the fish and maybe pack up some things but I'm not sure I can handle that. I feel numb today. Like I'm dead too. If only it were true.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous45023, BipolaRNurse, lunaticfringe, wiretwister, ~Christina
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
