[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Hi guys! My last manic episode was a month ago and as some of you know, I got a DWI and was suicidal. I actually rushed the police in the police station, hoping they would use their guns and kill me. Instead they used their stun guns twice. One couldn't take me down. Nice....right. Bleh

Anyway, I'm married and we've been together 17 years. Now that I've been diagnosed as Bipolar it explains alot about me, not just bad, but good as well. It's what made me very successful in my career. I closed my agency two years ago when we moved to a new city for my husbands dream job. I haven't worked since and nor have I been to AA since we moved here. AA is very different here than where I was from. While I was drinking as an alcoholic 8 years ago, I did a lot of hurtful things. I tried killing myself with xanax and tons of alcohol at a park. I woke up the next morning....couldn't believe it and was beside myself. As I drove home I got arrested for my 1st DWI. I went into an even deeper downward spiral because I really didn't want to be here. I ended up cheating for 6 months and then went into rehab. I was sober 4.5 years.

My husband has stayed with me through all of this. I'm a totally different person when I'm not manic or drinking (which is most of the time). I go through long periods between my manic episodes.

This DWI has just DEVASTATED me! It's humbled me like never before. I'm now being taken off Cymbalta, and they are adding Lithium in its place. I'm a wreck. Here is the hard part.....my husband is saying hurtful things. It's like out of nowhere he says things that cut to the bone. Then an hour later he tells me he loves me. However, when he is telling me how much I've done and changed our relationship (which he is right), I want to go to all the suicide letters and things to use to kill myself that are hidden and just be done. I feel broken and worthless.

We started watching a new series from Starz and it had beautiful music and romance. I told him it reminded me when we first met and how we would cuddle and listen to Enya (I know Corny) and how romantic it was in our young lives. He said, yeah before you ruined it all. I was crushed and went to bed and just cried. I don't know why I'm here. I just feel like I can't be fixed or the damage repaired.

Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. Hopefully with your support systems and your docs, you can find a way to a peaceful stability. Good luck!

[Crazy Hitch]

I remember you telling us about your episode last month - pretty horrific and intense. I think that there are some parts, with regards to what happened with the police, you will still need to process emotionally, if this makes sense - because that was a pretty traumatic encounter, truly it was.

I think that a diagnosis of Bipolar does explain some of what we do - well for me anyway - because I can think back to times when I've been manic or depressed and I reflect on my behaviours and I'm like Yikes! I did WHAT! I guess there are some symptoms that we will share in common, how these symptoms manifest themselves will be different for each of us as we are all individuals, coupled with the fact that our environmental factors will be different too. So we've all got "stories" of sorts to tell; just putting this out there; so that you know that you are not alone. And also to assure you that you are free to discuss issues with us here; as whilst our own personal stories / experiences might have a slightly different spin; we can relate to the feeling of being depressed; or a feeling of been manic; or an experience of going IP (if we've been there) etc.

I'm glad that you go through long periods of not being manic. That's good and probably helps to bring some sort of stability with your relationship with your husband; 17 years is a long time.

Hypomania can make us very successful in careers. It can drive us; motivate us; we feel good; we get ambitious, we want to achieve (this is on a hypomanic level - if I was referencing mania - well for a lot of bipolar people that can be disasterous career wise).

I can understand how the DWI would devastate you, because honestly that's the last thing that I would want to have happen to me. It's really unfortunate that the AA is not the same since you've moved, honestly it is. Sometimes we do get humbled when we finally have consequences to our actions, and I'm certainly not meaning this in any derogatory manner at all. I reflect on myself again, when I've done things that were high risk without thinking too much about the consequences - when I've suddenly got the slap in the face, metaphorically speaking - I've been like huh! What was I even thinking! How could I not forsee that happening ... Well I guess that's why they say hindsight is the better view ... I hate it ... it sucks.

I do believe that your husband really does love you when he says that he loves you.

I also believe that he has been hurt.

Why?

Because when he married you, he married you for better or worse.

Which means that he will likely stick by your side, I'm sure. But he only wants what is best for you. He doesn't want to see you tasered by police. He doesn't want to see you drinking. He doesn't want you to have a DWI. He doesn't want any of that. He wants you to be living a life where you are happy, healthy and productive. And you've done it before. You were very successful in your career. With the right treatment / support you have shown before that you can and do achieve and your mental health can be stable for periods of time.

So maybe for him right now it's frustration. Frustrating for him that he had to watch your downwards spiral.

So now it's time for him to support you, as you climb from the bottom back up to the middle ground. And sure, I think that sometimes maybe he might say things that upset you, and could be out of line.

But it all stems back to one factor: he loves you and he wants what is best for you in the long run and he wants you to be well.

Oh I love Enya. Not corny at all.

You were reminiscing over a time when things were a lot smoother in your relationship.

Yes, totally I understand why you went to bed crying.

The comment was hurtful.

The best advice I can give you is this.

When I've hit rock bottom (and I have, many times in my life) - the only way I start to climb out of it, slowly, is to ask myself, what can I do better. I've made bad choices. Some of which have caused me to hit rock bottom. Are there some things that I can start changing today, small things, and eventually increase / improve upon them as each day goes by. Take more care of my appearance? Cook dinner for my family? Go to therapy more regularly? Something that will show my husband that I am determined to get better, not only for myself, but because I recognise that things within me do need to change and I can begin changing them, one step at a time. No, maybe things will never be "perfect" with my husband and I - this is not a perfect world after all. But through time wounds can heal.

I hope some of what I have said might be useful for you.

Keep posting here to let us know how you are getting along.

It's not easy; but the path to your recovery can start today; by simply asking yourself; what is one small thing I can do tomorrow; that I didn't do today?

You have a very similar story to mine. Have you involved your husband in your treatment at all? I know my last episode was devastating to both me and my husband, and him playing an active role in my treatment (going to appointments, having a crisis plan etc) helped him get his mind wrapped around everything. Also, if he gets his own counseling, or if you can go together, either can be helpful.

You're having a hard time dealing with this DWI. The way your husband is acting, it seems that he is too, you know? Maybe it's just part of how he is working through it. Not ideal, for sure, but maybe realizing that (if that is what it is, and I suspect it could well be) can help a little in not taking it quite so personally(?) Because he does say the nice things too. The other could be like any of us do -- have moments where trying to work through something gets the better of us and we say or do regrettable things.
Just a thought.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Thanks everybody. Very wise responses! It's hard to see rational reasoning when you are in the middle of it. I think you guys are right about him processing everything. He has in the past, but that was before the Bipolar diagnosis. I think that he's struggling with his own personal feelings and also seeing that some of this is not my fault (it is, but you know what I mean). There was no malicious intent. I didn't purposely do these things. That is a new concept for him and I think he feels sorry for me as well.

He is not in counseling, however I think he should be. The kicker to all of this is that he was getting his Masters in Counseling a few years back but instead got it in his field of work. Crazy! I think that has helped him understand as well. Things aren't just black and white. I need to give him a break. He doesn't know I was upset. I'm not bringing it up. That's why I came here.

Thanks so much for listening and the advice!

[Capriciousness]

Oh wow! My heart breaks for you. It is so rough. I know that the things my husband says (even unintentional) have a tendency to cut me to the quick and push me down deeper.

I have found that sometimes the people in my life who are involved in some way in the mental health field are the worst at being compassionate about it. I have no idea why that is.

[raspberrytorte]

Awe, that was a really mean thing for your husband to say. That would make me cry too.

Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom

... The kicker to all of this is that he was getting his Masters in Counseling a few years back but instead got it in his field of work. Crazy! I think that has helped him understand as well....

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

...I have found that sometimes the people in my life who are involved in some way in the mental health field are the worst at being compassionate about it. I have no idea why that is.

Interesting on the counselor thing hashi/bipolar mom.
I haven't run into the compassion issue. (My experiences have all been good there, but I don't have a wide range of experience (a number of years, but few providers)). But I do think that, just like everyone else, psychs/counsellors etc. have a harder time seeing things in themselves than in others. When you're living it, it takes real effort to see it from an outsider's perspective, plus we all have our blind spots. Then there's applying what we know, lol. (Oh, right, the hard part(!) )

My psych has a therapist. It's good to have an objective view. Which is something PC is good for too!