[bbTofu]

Just a quick rant, I have been carrying this for a while.

The presence of this challenging thought increases every day. It has to do with the feeling that I'm getting more crazier with each day, as if one day I'm gonna 'lose' it.

It's a controversy; my commitments and responsibilities are huge part of what ignites me to strive, but at times it's such a burden that I don't want to carry, as if it has nothing to do with me, you know ?
This ambivalence. Enormous gratitude for what I have accumulated and achieved through this journey of life, and yet at times hating it for I can't let everything go and just give in. surrender

It's boiling

[fishin fool]

Life's burdens can be very challenging even for people that do not suffer from
bipolar but for those of us that do it is even more of a burden to carry.
It sounds like you have much to be thankful for so try not to lose sight of that.
We are here to talk and help each other get it done. Shalom my friend.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hey bbTofu It's never a rant. It's expressing how you feel. The good the bad the ugly - we're here to listen to it all

Yeah sometimes I feel like I'm getting crazier too - it usually is a reflection of my mood state - in the past when I've been manic I've felt utterly out of control, almost. So I get the "losing it" part.

Yes - it's a paradox - the very thing that drives you to be well pushes you in the opposite direction of burden, anxiety and negative thoughts. So yes, I do know. This happens to me too. Not nice

Don't surrender.

You've come this far.

Keep moving forward!

[wiretwister]

Hi BB , responsibilty and being indispensble are my hardest things , just stay at it , and under no circumstance can you give up , if you feel that way , post , post , post ...

[bbTofu]

Thank you very much for being here for me, for us, for yourself

Something bad is happening in Israel's mental health; From 1st July, whoever is not diagnosed with mental illness won't be eligible to get treatment. Which means that my treatment will stop. All mental health clinics that were under government's responsibility are going to be part of the Health Maintenance Organizations, whose main interest is economical one. As many other diagnoses, cyclothymia won't be treated.
People who got 'serious' diagnoses, are going to receive up to 12 session with therapist, and only the severe cases will get up to 30 session for a year.
I won't elaborate more.

I meet my therapist twice a week now. Going from that to zero sessions - terrifies me.
I'm not sure I can afford a private therapist but I will have to cut down my other expenses I guess. I just can't imagine myself surviving without therapy now.

[Row Jimmy]

bbTofu, I hear you. I suffer from the same dilemma - the things that keep me going also drive me to extreme behavior. Like a lot of people here, I'd use my hypomania to my advantage. It drove me, kept me sharp, and paid off well. But it wasn't sustainable long term and I just imploded. A good friend of mine who has personality disorders recently counseled me and said "it can get better but it can get worse too......it will always be there". I suppose that's the frustrating thing about mental illness in general. There is no cure.

I take Depakote and it makes me a mush-head sometimes. I forget to pay bills, take out the trash. I even forgot to go to work a while back. It frustrates me and makes me laugh at the same time. But things are different for me now. I'm learning to downplay things like "work" and focus on me. To me, trying to keep up with everything is sort of pointless. I'll land somewhere on the chessboard.

[Row Jimmy]

Hooligan, I'm not a soccer fan but I have to admit, that's a nice goal.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm sure that the community of therapists will be full of people requesting this (yournew mental health program sounds HORRIBLE) but maybe you'll be able to find someone who can see you at a low cost. I've been able to do that here in the US where few providers take my insurance (the govt. insurance for the elderly and disabled) because it pays so little. For my case it was also a matter of I am in a good place with my current therapist and changing would be bad for me. If I could even find someone to see me it wouldn't be someone who was as well-suited as my current therapist and he knew that as well as I did (and for a long time I had no insurance and when I did they wouldn't pay for him anyway). But maybe there is some kind of hope out there. (?) I have no idea how your system works, of course. Do you have someone who would bump your diagnosis up into a bipolar NOS or bipolar II just to get you treatment? It is hard to determine after all so there would probably be some level of question on that. I'm sure none of this is original, I'm just throwing out any idea I have. I can't imagine being in that situation. Even 30 visits per year wouldn't be nearly enough.

[bbTofu]

Yes it's all F'ed-up.

I think I'm going ask my lecturers who are Ph.D's in social work and most of them are psychotherapists with private clinics, I'll ask them for a recommendation to a good therapist who is willing to make a student discount or sth.

I don't want to cooperate with this corrupted ridiculous 'reform'.

All mental health data, all the secret stuff ain't gonna be much of a secret with the new system, every physician is going to have access to the diagnosis and medications. I assume many governmental organizations will have a bribed access and many people will fail to find a job because of this in the future. As a future social worker, I'm bit afraid of those changes.