[BeyondtheRainbow]

I love my pdoc. She has been there far beyond the minimum, she spends a lot of time with me every month, she never gives up on me and she lets me make the important decisions with her input. She never has treated me with anything but respect. I have her email address although catching her via email can be iffy. Usually if I use the right subject I can get her but not always. If I really need her I just have to call her secretary and she'll either check the email and respond or call me.

I've been trying all week to get her to agree to increase my loxapine dose. I've emailed twice without an answer. I also have tried last week to get in contact because she forgot to set up a follow-up appointment when I saw her about a few weeks ago. And there was something else that required I call her secretary. And I just now left a message apologizing for all of this but asking can I please increase the dose and um how about that appointment? (Leaving it now means if I'm groggy tomorrow I don't have to try to do that).

I feel like such a pest. It's hard because I know she gets incredibly busy and she has a new job that is probably really busy at this point in the year. There's also always fear. Several years ago I got out of the hospital without a follow-up because she was having surgery. It turns out that she had breast cancer. And while she's been great for a long time when she seems ultra-stressed and distracted like the last 2 months it worries me.

And there's my lingering paranoia that she is mad at me over this whole episode, doesn't really believe my symptoms because they were worse than usual and that somewhere she thinks I was exaggerating things somehow. Every time I don't hear from her this cements more. It's my last paranoia that I'm aware of (haven't been leaving home much so it's hard to know if I'd have more in public; tomorrow will be the Walmart test which is a good test). This has never happened and she has never been mad at me when I thought she probably was but I can't put this behind me.

I have little hope I'll hear anything from her tomorrow. I'm starting to view contacting her as being almost as difficult as my arch nemesis, Medicaid (she's much easier than they are are but honestly so is a rock). I tried to get an earlier appt. at the end of March; the substitute secretary never passed the message on. I put in a "I'm in bad shape, please call" message last month and never heard back; no idea what happened but I think it was the same substitute. And now I've spent a week trying to get a med doubled when the plan was see how it went and then double it. I'm not asking for anything unplanned and I'm about to just double it.

I really hope I hear from her. I just want to take my meds and fall asleep at normal person bedtime and wake up at normal person wake time. My body actually like waking early and going to bed early and I'd love to get back to that. (the only few times in my life I've slept ok that's been the pattern).

[Crazy Hitch]

I was sorry to read the title of this thread Beyond, to see that you are feeling frustrated still I hate it when I feel this way.

Your pdoc sounds like a winner - I'm glad that you've got a good one. It's really important for our own mental health that we're with someone that we trust, because at the end of the day our pdocs are integral in our recovery towards maintaining stability for as long a period as possible.

I'm sorry to hear that it's been this much of a mission to get some kind of response to you wanting to increase loxapine, but I'm glad that you're going about this the right way. You've done quite a lot to make some sort of contact.

Yeah you're right she is busy but you're still her patient.

I know it's tempting to want to just double your dose of loxapine, after everything you've tried to do, but I know that you know the implications of just going ahead and doing this yourself without medical advice, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to these lengths to contact her So I just wanted to throw caution to the wind on that one, because I know it's tempting, but it's probably something that you best want your pdoc's approval on before you go ahead and do it ... and the reality is, your pdoc may very well agree to this change ... but you haven't had the appointment nor has your pdoc replied to your emails / voice messages etc, for whatever reason that may be. Doesn't make her actions right though. Because honestly? I think that she should have made contact with you, regardless of how busy she is. What's a 5 minute phone call at the end of her day to touch base with you? I mean how many messages does she want you to leave for her before she decides okay wait there is something going on here?

I hope that she makes contact with you soon.

I don't think that you deserve to be hanging on the edge like this.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Hooligan. That's exactly how part of me feels and the other part says "look at the last 2 appointments. Something is wrong. She's going to drop you as a patient. She's mad at you. This is all your fault and you should have not talked about the psychosis because she didn't seem too upset about that or too excited and so maybe she didn't believe it (I think she was really trying to keep me calm about it)." And it doesn't help that she recognized agitated depression when we were all saying I was manic and she was right. Which means that I was talking about the wrong problems. I kept saying to everyone I was so mixed I couldn't tell what I really felt and I was right, more than I had any idea. But it just feels off and I need to say something. I tried via email but got an "out of office for 2 days" response so that never was read.

I know she had to stop seeing 50% of her patients when she took this new job. I keep wondering if she regrets having kept me. when she decided I was still relatively well, not stable, never stable, but ok. We weren't changing meds all the time and I was doing ok, starting to plan to start some things that would get me out of my house some. And then everything went south.

I just don't know. I've had her a few times not make appointments until a day or two before. But that was in the old days when she didn't have blocked off times.

And Hooligan, how are YOU doing? You are so good about responding to posts but you've not said much about how you are feeling now.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think that the bad experience of recent that you've been having - her repeatedly not returning your communication is leading to some intrusive thoughts ... at the end of the day - it's somewhat of a symbiotic relationship: as much as you have a need to work productively with your pdoc ... the sad reality is, she needs you as a client too ... because you are contributing towards her income, which pays for her mortgage, her car, etc ... not a nice thought - but overall just bear in mind I don't think repeated requests for this med would be reason enough within itself for her to dismiss you as a patient - I think that there are people who have done far "worse" ... and their pdocs continue to see them. (Worse is not the right term - but it's being used for illustration purposes only )

Yeah she probably is going to pick up on symptoms and diagnose you as sitting somewhere on the Bipolar spectrum, as she did when she last said that you were experiencing dysphoric mania. Ughhh those auto reply "out of office" when you really need to contact someone are a charm

Okay that is a bugger that she had to stop seeing 50% of her patients when she took on the new job. Well, I don't really think that she'd regret keeping you. Again, I just can't see anything that you've done wrong or so to speak. I think that every pdoc's ultimate goal is to get us as near as possible to the relative term "stable". Otherwise I'm not sure what we are paying them for.

Thank you for asking how I am.

I don't talk about how I am much As you noticed

[Victoria'smom]

Is there any way you can go in and schedule an appointment? I know this is obnoxious but can you go and sit until there's a " no-show" since your question takes 5 min but they can bill your insurance? It may take a day or two but you will get seen and it reduces the amount of calls / emails she gets. It shows how much you need an answer. Then at your next appointment ask if waiting for a "no show " is okay. Both my pdoc 's have been okay with it as long as I realize I may have to wait multiple days.

[raspberrytorte]

I can understand your frustration. I don't think you have to worry about her being mad at you or not believing you or no longer wanting you as a patient.

Do you have a follow up appointment?

If not, could her secretary set you up with one?

Try not to worry. I know it's hard.

Hugs

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I honestly don't know if that is done where I go. IT's a huge place and my guess is that it isn't allowed because the say 50 drs could have a huge number of people waiting at any given time. And it's 2.5 hours away from me. And I'm ok with how things are, just wishing I could get started on the higher dose and start sleeping more normally. Today for example I slept from 3-7, was awake an hour but very aware I was going to need to go back to sleep, slept 3 hours and now am waiting to see if the grogginess from the meds wears off or not. I know with a higher dose there will be more grogginess but I also won't start my nights at 3 AM and therefore will be less messed up in the day once I adjust to that dose.

If I have to wait until I see her then I have to wait. I'm partly just anxious because I always see her every 4 weeks and I have no appointment scheduled. Which will happen, it's just hard for me to not know.

Thanks for the suggestion. Honestly it wouldn't have occurred to me no matter what setting I was going to.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Raspberry. Part of the problem is that we forgot to schedule a next appointment and because she sees me at a weird time she schedules me herself (I see her in time typically devoted to her other job). So all the secretary can really do is pass on messages. Her normal secretary is wonderful. If she is off and this fill-in person works it's much more difficult in that she doesn't know how to use the computer system that sends the dr something similar to a text message and makes it easy for the dr to respond. So I just have to hope that the message is sent and that she gets it.

I know on some level that this isn't because she is mad at me. I just have trouble reacting that way when someone is acting differently with me (Or I imagine it which can certain have happened in that episode). It's part of PTSD that I haven't gotten past yet. and with this episode my mind has been very mean to me, yelling at me and constantly running a "slideshow" of things I screwed up over many years. I'm still feeling the effects of that and it still happens sometimes. I've been calling myself stupid so much that trying to believe I'm worth taking up oxygen is going to take a while which makes it pretty hard to trust people.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I got the increase! And a more normal sounding email although still no appointment! I guess I'll see her sometime and if she doesn't tell me until the last minute then I'll live with it. I'm trying to decide if I should start the increase today and potentially only be able to do 2 nights and then have to lower it Sunday so I can see my therapist or just wait until I've seen my therapist and then increasing it with days to recover. I think I'll probably do it that way, especially since I went to Walmart today and took my usual post-traumatic nap. (It's too stimulating in there and takes everything I've got to keep it together--and I have to go back Monday because I forgot to return something. Ugh).

But I'm just glad that I heard from her and that it sounded like her instead of how she has been lately. I guess pestering pays off. Or something.

[Crazy Hitch]

Good luck with this

[cashart10]

I know you have an awesome pdoc who will pull through for you. Good luck with the med increase!

[raspberrytorte]

I'm happy she got back to you! Hoping the dose increase will make you feel even better.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm holding off on the increase until Monday because I have to be able to drive myself to therapy Monday and have no idea how sedated I'll be with this increase. I'm acting today like I already took it; all I want to do is sleep. It may be time for my MAOI to start coming back up too but I know that I can only do one med at a time. I can't believe how tired I am though.