My Appt

I really wish I had filled that script for Haldol before I came.

I really am going to be here all night and I keep ****ing crying. That's all I've done today.

I pray they don't keep me. I don't think I can handle it right now.

I think maybe just try to be at peace that whatever they decide is what is meant to be. You haven't waited this many hours for nothing; you've been waiting so that the right person will be able to help you and if they feel you need to be IP then please try to just trust that this is the right thing and that you've done everything you can. If it is IOP that's GREAT but if IOP isn't going to help until you've been IP then IP is a good thing.

Honestly the only time I went into IP only depressed (b/c I had to come off my AD to go on my MAOI and so I actually had a clear-cut experience that wasn't mixed as usual) I didn't want to be there but spent most of the first day crying because it was such a relief to FINALLY not have to hold it together. That's hardly the reaction I expected but that depressed it felt so good to just be able to curl up and let someone else do everything.

I can't believe you are still waiting. Do they see people in order or do they triage so that you get stuck waiting for emergency after emergency? Is it at least comfortable to wait in?

It will still be hours more...I'm certain. And that's with people waiting. I am, of course, falling asleep. Maybe it would be a good idea for me to fall asleep. I know I should just be prepared for anything but I just don't want to be locked down. I feel terrified just sitting here. I want to run and I'm thinking about asking them to let me leave. They probably won't because I wrote that my pdoc wanted the evaluation.

Don't give up now! If you give up now you'll be back tomorrow or the next day trying to get into IOP and you've waited it out so long now. Besides, as soon as you fall asleep they'll call you. Never fails. Apparently doubling my loxapine is making me nauseous more than sleepy (although a little groggy but I was just up in the living room cutting out a pattern trying to avoid the nausea) so I may be on for a while longer. I'll keep checking until I get sleepy. Trying to decide if I should boost the boosted dose with valium but that doesn't sound like a wise idea. I hope this actually does help with sleep; if it doesn't it's not doing it's job and since I'm losing weight on it I really want to keep it.

cash - Sorry you've been waiting so long. Waiting sucks! Don't leave. Since you've been waiting so long you might as well go all the way. I hope things work out. Really want you to start feeling better!

Have you tried seroquel? Sometimes I take 50mg if I'm getting paranoid (like at work), and it sort of helps. That clorazil (spelling wrong I know) sounds scary.

Anyway, hope you don't have to wait much longer!

You have game appts on your phone. There's some I find relaxing and they kinda help me zone out and forget about stuff going on around me. My favorite is Mong Jong and Color Zen. The zen one has cool sounds and colors. I heard about a sand apt that is also supposed to be relaxing but haven't tried it yet. If you fall asleep, bonus!

So...I just ****ing waited 5 hours to be told IOP is full, they don't have any suggestions, and call my pdoc. I fudged my answer and said specifically that I had suicidal thoughts without intent because I specifically wanted IOP. I told my pdoc I did have intent and he gave me his phone number and tried to set me up with an IOP. Now what the **** am I supposed to do? He told me he would try a certain place but, wait , oh never mind it is for the severely mentally ill. What? Just because I am a pretty piece of flesh I'm not severely mentally ill. ****ing old men and their ****ing stereotypes. Oh, she's dressed nicely. She's a cute little red head. She could never be crazy. Sorry...I'm just pissed if you can't tell. And, please don't think me conceited because I was only venting. UGH !

On a positive note, toward the end of my scary waiting room visit a man, who was obviously out of his mind manic came up and asked me what I was there for and I told him and he said "finally someone normal," ha! His positive energy bounced off of mine and he actually had me truly smiling... Even if it was at his extremely elaborate tales.

How are you doing now?