[mjrwraith]

OK maybe this is a rant or maybe it's just non sense either way I have to get it out somehow since I really have no one to talk to. So this weekend I wanted to go camping for Father's day but my wife didn't want to take the weekend off cause her Dad is wanting to go next weekend for her. So OK I decide to make the best of it and jufineookout instead. Well I work my butt off on getting the yard mowed and cleaned up, now we're talking 1.25 acres of land. Then Saturday afternoon we go pay on a layaway and get us an AC cause ours is on the way out. She sees a ring she likes and she needs one like it for work. So OK fine I get it. Later when we're trying to get stuff at the store she starts a big nasty fight in the middle of the store. I'm starting to get anxious which do to my GAD triggers bad manic episodes and I keep trying to come to a solution but she keeps pushing till I break. So to keep from doing something stupid I hand her my debit card and walk outside of the store to calm down and gather myself. I walk back in figuring she's ready. She is and we walk out without her responding to anything I say. We get home and she blows up at me again now I'm realizing I've gotta get away cause I'm getting dark feeling. I grab my helmet for some wind therapy, and she just snarls at me, "sure walk away like cowards always do." Oh that was it I sat the helmet down and let her have it verbally with both barrels rest of the night pretty much stayed away from each other. Sunday comes around, Father's day I'm thinking surely today will be better. Ha fat chance! As I was drinking my coffee and all I notice this "smell" and flies around my 4 year olds guinea pig. "No, this can't happen today!", I'm thinking, but sure enough she's gone. My daughter spoiled this thing, they talked to each other, I mean it was far from neglected. Come to find out swamp coolers and guinea pigs are not good together. So I figured get the kids and myself ready for church and when we get back take my youngest daughter aside and talk to her. Nope that's not going to happen my 8 year old son decides she needs to be informed by him. So that was a wreck. Get back from Church spend 2 hours digging a deep enough hole to bury it. The kids came out and per my 4 year old daughter's request we had a service. After hugging three crying, screaming children and doing my best to console them and wipe the tears streaming down my cheeks. I mean as a father you do your best to protect and love them but losing a loved one (yes IMO even animals count) you yourself feel so helpless. As I kneeled between them arms hugging the three as closely as I can. My heart broke to hear those lamenting wails and know I was so powerless. After all that was done and the three troopers helped me put dirt in the little grave. I determined I was not going to have this day taken. My wife comes home from work and I tell her we're still cooking out. So she reluctantly agreed and we got everything. Get home and I get the grill going, walk inside and she's asleep on the couch. OK fine I'll do it all. So I wash up dishes, get the beans going, get the mashed potatoes going, and smoke a pork loin by myself plus clean off the dining room table. At the end of it all I'm exhausted it's 9 at night I have to do the dishes from dinner cause she had something to do. I finish and what she had to do instead of helping me was get me a spice cake. REALLY after everything that happened, she buys herself this nice ring but I get a cheap throw together cake. For mother's day I cleaned the house let her sit and relax surprised her with a dozen roses and a plant for her garden. So yeah I'm beginning to wonder is this really worth it, the marriage. I mean I know I have my moments, and our early marriage was rough due to my alcoholism and pot addiction. That was 5 years ago must I pay for it the rest of my life? Sorry so long but had to get it out thanks for reading.

[CopperStar]

Has your wife ever seen a professional? Or have the two of you ever been to counseling together? She probably has issues. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction, and it sounds like you have been trying to overcome yours over the years, but what about her? Has she been working on her issues? Her behavior sounds selfish and immature, but there could be an underlying personality disorder, mood disorder, or even combination. But she would still need to be willing to work on it, nobody can do that for her. Is she open to the idea of seeking out some help, on her own or together as a couple?

Also that was really sweet of you to have a funeral for the guinea pig for your kids. I grew up with a rather abusive father and then he more or less abandoned fatherhood for his new girlfriend when I was a teenager. It left huge holes in my heart and life. So be assured that your efforts are worth a great deal, coming from someone who knows what the absence of such efforts does to people. They are lucky to have ya.

[loophole]

You should try and seek marriage counseling if this is a rather common occurrence.. Me and my wife did for three years. We still see a couple that counsels every so often... A big help was me getting stable on meds.. We didn't have sex (not my choice for 19 months). So yes it's taken a long time and it felt like an eternity but it's been worth it. We also have 3 kids I know it can be hectic and throw in a bad marriage and you feel like your life just sucks.. I know... I had a lot to do with our problems but she's also learned things as well... If it weren't for marriage counseling I'm positive we would of divorced. We also separated for 3 months during all this... The bipolar scared her to death and I wasn't my best when I went through a bad spell and ended hospitalized... Anyway... Pm me if you feel the need. Hope the best for ya

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[mjrwraith]

Well as far as counseling for her she has and she hasn't. We were going to school for a degree in addictions counseling when our professor, Dr. Banks, pulled us to the side and recommended we go to couples and individual counseling. We did the marriage counseling for awhile but it turned into her blaming me for everything and the counselor pointing at me and agreeing with her then he left the practice. We tried with our pastor and his wife, who do have degrees in marriage counseling, but they tried to stay neutral she didn't like it so that lasted for one session. As far as her having issues, yeah she's been diagnosed a codependent, with an obsessive need to control. Our professor Dr Banks is the one who told us both that and then he pulled me to the side and said there was a strong possibility she had a narcissistic personality disorder and needed to seek mental health care. I have tried since to get her to go but she refuses so I've pretty much given up.

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[loophole]

I guess if it gets to the point maybe an ultimatum.... Sounds like maybe she should take that church stuff she applies to everyone else and apply it to herself we used marriage counseling from church as well

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[CopperStar]

If she refuses to try, and you are miserable, then you have a very tough decision to make. If you do decide to separate, though, you should definitely find a good therapist to support you and offer guidance, because it will probably get extremely ugly. She will likely try to turn your kids against you and make you out to be a bad guy who is mean to her and who doesn't really love them and so on. That could be an extremely painful, enraging and all around crazy-making thing for you to go through and cope with. So whatever you decide, make sure you line up proper support for yourself.

[mjrwraith]

Yeah I know. It's my kids I worry about the most. I'll survive if it comes to that but she will take everything out on them and without me there to redirect it towards me it's going to start a lot of bad stuff.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by mjrwraith

Yeah I know. It's my kids I worry about the most. I'll survive if it comes to that but she will take everything out on them and without me there to redirect it towards me it's going to start a lot of bad stuff.

You can also look into support for your kids, see if there is some type of counseling service for children during times like this that you could afford.

Both of my parents were dysfunctional as all, all throughout my childhood and adolescence. Can't stress enough how valuable it is for a kid to at least have their feelings and confusion validated. They can probably get through it alright, as long as they have that from somewhere.

[mjrwraith]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

You can also look into support for your kids, see if there is some type of counseling service for children during times like this that you could afford.

Both of my parents were dysfunctional as all, all throughout my childhood and adolescence. Can't stress enough how valuable it is for a kid to at least have their feelings and confusion validated. They can probably get through it alright, as long as they have that from somewhere.

I'm looking to see what I can do. Right now we are in every sense of the term separated. Just trying to keep things as close to normal for the kids but I think the tension is too much for them. I think I've gotta pull back and help them that way.