[Becoming]

I cannot handle it when I'm talking to someone and they walk away from me mid conversation. It makes me feel diminished...like I don't matter to the person at all. As soon as I feel devalued, I instantly think of self harm or attempting suicide. For once, I just want to have someone walk away and not have this insane "OMG they don't give a **** about me and I'll never be anything good and they'll never care about so I should kill myself" sort of reaction. At home I find myself throwing things too because I don't know what to do with my upset which turns into anger and leads to that. I cannot handle it. I screamed the threats to my brother saying "it always ends the same way! Someone walks away and I end up in my room wanting to cut myself or attempt suicide!" He had ZERO response. ZERO response!!!! How does that make me feel? Like more ****! Even more like he doesn't care.

I told my mom once that when people walk away this is how I feel and she didn't react either.

WHO THE HELL DOES NOT REACT WHEN THREATS OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE ARE BEING MADE?!

All I can remember 4 years ago is when I did attempt, I had made multiple threats beforehand. NOBODY did anything. And then when I did attempt, THE FIRST THING THEY DID was get angry! It was so much anger. My brother told me I was stupid for trying it. Now it's a topic that is pretty much off limits. So idk if they are just ignoring this, but this **** is not fake. I FELL THIS WAY WHEN THIS HAPPENS! They don't get it. They don't care. They just keep walking away or ignoring me. HOW IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MAKE ME FEEL LOVED?!

[cashart10]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The closest thing to this that I have experienced is from my mother. She is my biggest supporter and she is amazing but she often shuts me down, makes me feel like I am complaining too much, and sometimes even shushes me. It hurts. I wish your family would listen to you and I wish you felt more cared for by them. We are here for you when they are not and we love you. I know it's not the same but we do care so much!

[raspberrytorte]

That sucks. It makes me feel bad they don't take you seriously. Hugs.

That does suck.
I think sometimes people react/don't react to things because they're scared. They don't know what to do or are afraid of doing something wrong. Not always, but probably more often than we'd imagine. Still, it's hard being on the other end when someone's in a mode of not being able to handle (or even recognize) how they're feeling, because it can come off very badly!

Do you have a therapist? Have you talked with them about it? There are some strategies to help not internalizing as much, and they could be really helpful. Because it's awful to feel like that. Been there.

How old are you? Can you see what you have written and see why your family doesnt take you seriously? Temper tantrums. They are probably over it.

Hopefully your therapist can help you move on from this stage. I know a heap of BPD girls who were the same who are now through this. Goodluck

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't like it much either when someone walks aways from me amidst a conversation

I can get how it makes you feel like you don't matter when people do this. I'm sorry though that it makes you feel like jumping to the extreme of self harm / suicide, that's really not a nice way, to say the least, that this whole thing makes you feel.

Yes, I think that you've got a lot of pent up hurt inside of you that stems from issues that you have possibly not resolved yet, and triggered by when people walk away and you are not finished saying what you want to say, and manifesting itself in you resorting to throwing things out of pure frustration because people are denying you the right to finish saying what you are trying to say in the first place.

I think that your brother possibly was at a loss as to what to say? He doesn't feel your pain and may not have people walk away from him? I think that some words of comfort may have been nice though. Rather than just leave you hanging when you clearly told him that this is leavining you feeling suicidal, because that's a pretty full of statement.

Yeah I don't get how you mother didn't react either.

Honestly I would have thought that she ask you why you feel this way.

It's a shame that people did not listen when you first spoke about this 4 years ago. You could have started to process this pain, then, if they took the time to hear you out. And yes, their non-reply would leave you feeling even more anger because nobody was listening to you.

It might help you to start healing, if you can start figuring out, what is it that you want people to know, that leads you into a full blown rage, where you are screaming suicide and breaking things? This can't feel good for you at all, and that's who I'm concerned about most.

Is it because you think they simply don't get your inner pain?

I'm wondering, if you see a therapist, can they work on strategies with you in expressing your feelings and how hurt you are to your family, in a way that will work, for you, and not leave your mental health hanging by a thread, because you family's reaction, over the last 4 years, have lead to you feeling even more hurt, and I really don't want this for you

You deserve happiness.

You don't deserve for your feelings to be dismissed.

Just know that we do hear your pain here on PsychCentral.

Many of us have at some stage, felt at the end of our rope.

[bbTofu]

I totally empathize with what you're going through. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I have felt similarly in the past. I used to pay attention to every time a person I was talking to, would simply stop listening. I was hurt, I felt boring, unimportant than others because I thought they don't listen to me but do listen to each other.

I've learned few things since;
It's okay not to have everyone's attention, maybe it's not in their interest. and that's okay.
It doesn't have to mean anything other than the factual thing: I talk, he does not listen. it DOES NOT mean I'm worthless nor boring. boring is subjective anyways
Sometimes people won't REALLY listen when I don't really feel like talking to them, but rather talk out of social pressure. If I don't feel like it, I rather let it go. so regard it as they are reflecting to me what I actually feel on a subconscious level; not interested

** If a close friend would act like it; I would try to have a conversation with him in which I will say how it makes me feel when he does that, and ask if maybe it is something I have said. It is wonderful how honesty (in a respectful manner) works
** When somebody acts really impolite in a conversation, I would sometimes note his behavior.
If somebody would just turn his back in middle of conversation and walk, well.. I think there is nothing left to say, he 'said' everything.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh, wanted to add. I don't know if this will make you feel a little better, but while I was in college I lived at home, and I told my mom I was depressed, and she didn't take me seriously either. Just said I wasn't like that "before". It would have been nice if she had taken me seriously and gotten me into therapy. It would have prevented a lot of the hardships I went through in my twenties I think.

It's too bad when family members don't take us seriously. I REALLY could have benefited from therapy at that time in my life.

[Becoming]

Thank you for the support everyone. I feel okayish right now, but I know the next time it happens it will be the same old thing again. I have to work on it.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

That does suck.
I think sometimes people react/don't react to things because they're scared. They don't know what to do or are afraid of doing something wrong. Not always, but probably more often than we'd imagine. Still, it's hard being on the other end when someone's in a mode of not being able to handle (or even recognize) how they're feeling, because it can come off very badly!

Do you have a therapist? Have you talked with them about it? There are some strategies to help not internalizing as much, and they could be really helpful. Because it's awful to feel like that. Been there.

I don't have a therapist right now. I have to start looking for once since I just moved back home.

Originally Posted by Supanova

How old are you? Can you see what you have written and see why your family doesnt take you seriously? Temper tantrums. They are probably over it.

Hopefully your therapist can help you move on from this stage. I know a heap of BPD girls who were the same who are now through this. Goodluck

The way somebody feels should ALWAYS be taken seriously whether it's rational or not. They're still real feelings. In the case of Bipolar in particular they can be intensified further that someone who doesn't have it though. Feelings shouldn't ever be written off or be something to be "over" or tired of. Part of being a family member or a friend is to look out for the emotional needs of the other. In my book, walking away when someone is clearly in need isn't meeting that part.

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Yes, I think that you've got a lot of pent up hurt inside of you that stems from issues that you have possibly not resolved yet, and triggered by when people walk away and you are not finished saying what you want to say, and manifesting itself in you resorting to throwing things out of pure frustration because people are denying you the right to finish saying what you are trying to say in the first place.

...
It might help you to start healing, if you can start figuring out, what is it that you want people to know, that leads you into a full blown rage, where you are screaming suicide and breaking things? This can't feel good for you at all, and that's who I'm concerned about most.

Is it because you think they simply don't get your inner pain?

I'm wondering, if you see a therapist, can they work on strategies with you in expressing your feelings and how hurt you are to your family, in a way that will work, for you, and not leave your mental health hanging by a thread, because you family's reaction, over the last 4 years, have lead to you feeling even more hurt, and I really don't want this for you

You deserve happiness.

You don't deserve for your feelings to be dismissed.

Just know that we do hear your pain here on PsychCentral.

Many of us have at some stage, felt at the end of our rope.

Thank you!

I do need to sort out why I have such a strong reaction. In all honesty, this is how I've been since I was 13 or so. It's not as bad anymore, but it has it's moments for sure. This does seem to be a sort of mentality that has stuck around. I have to get a therapist and work through what the overall issue might be that I'm not seeing and how I can react better when someone walks away from me (the world is imperfect so it's going to happen unfortunately).

Originally Posted by bbTofu

I totally empathize with what you're going through. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I have felt similarly in the past. I used to pay attention to every time a person I was talking to, would simply stop listening. I was hurt, I felt boring, unimportant than others because I thought they don't listen to me but do listen to each other.

I've learned few things since;
It's okay not to have everyone's attention, maybe it's not in their interest. and that's okay.
It doesn't have to mean anything other than the factual thing: I talk, he does not listen. it DOES NOT mean I'm worthless nor boring. boring is subjective anyways
Sometimes people won't REALLY listen when I don't really feel like talking to them, but rather talk out of social pressure. If I don't feel like it, I rather let it go. so regard it as they are reflecting to me what I actually feel on a subconscious level; not interested

** If a close friend would act like it; I would try to have a conversation with him in which I will say how it makes me feel when he does that, and ask if maybe it is something I have said. It is wonderful how honesty (in a respectful manner) works
** When somebody acts really impolite in a conversation, I would sometimes note his behavior.
If somebody would just turn his back in middle of conversation and walk, well.. I think there is nothing left to say, he 'said' everything.

Thank you for your support.

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Oh, wanted to add. I don't know if this will make you feel a little better, but while I was in college I lived at home, and I told my mom I was depressed, and she didn't take me seriously either. Just said I wasn't like that "before". It would have been nice if she had taken me seriously and gotten me into therapy. It would have prevented a lot of the hardships I went through in my twenties I think.

It's too bad when family members don't take us seriously. I REALLY could have benefited from therapy at that time in my life.

I think it's sort of this thing where parents don't want to admit there could actually be something wrong with their kid. For example, my mom would say "you don't need medicine" or "you don't need therapy." I didn't even get a therapist until serious suicide threats I made to my ex (GF at the time) who then warned my mother who FINALLY took it seriously at that point and got me a therapist. If I can ever say an ounce of a thing about that insane ex, it was that in some round about way she's the reason I was actually able to get help. Then again, she was also a big reason for my actual suicide attempt.

There's that whole "no, my kid is fine" thing a parent wants to keep PLUS the stigma in society. They don't want their kids life to be harder than it already is, but they don't realize that denying the issue only makes it worse. That's also why it would be great if society could be educated about various mental illnesses and everyone could learn to take them seriously.

[Crazy Hitch]

Yeah Becoming, I gathered that this is something that has been going on for many years for you, it's not a reaction that will happen over night, and in your case it's years of being dismissed or put to the side whilst the needs of everyone else in your family have been attended to.

I think that getting a therapist is a great idea. It will help you to begin to unpack what the root cause is and deal and address those issues in particular that have caused you to have this response.

And yes you're right - parents are often in some kind of denial that there is something wrong with their kids - they dismiss it, push it to one side - all of which buries the problem even further - because eventually at some stage, it will errupt with full force.

And it's a shame that in some cases you've had to be THAT desperate before somebody in your family opened their eyes and said to themselves woah I think you're going through a difficult time here! It didn't have to reach that stage, they should have known a lot sooner.

I can write a whole novel on society and stigma - ughhh I think that I hate it as much as you do.

As for family?

At the best of times they may mean well, maybe, but they really can do more harm than good to our overall mental health, really they can.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Supanova

How old are you? Can you see what you have written and see why your family doesnt take you seriously? Temper tantrums. They are probably over it.

Hopefully your therapist can help you move on from this stage. I know a heap of BPD girls who were the same who are now through this. Goodluck

Nobody is born with a personality disorder, though. If a person has borderline personality disorder, the roots of it will without fail be found in their childhood and how they were treated. What I also see in what the OP has written is the her mother is not being anymore rational than the OP is, which is a dead giveaway right off the bat. If I had a child and my child was threatening self-harm or suicide, I would have them committed, involuntarily if need be. It would not be a game, it would not matter if my child raged at me. However the OP's mother prefers to play a passive-aggressive game, prefers to invalidate her child by completely ignoring her child as punishment when the child says something unpleasant. I guarantee you that while the particular incident described above gives the mother at least some plausible deniability, that this pattern of invalidating the OP to the point that the OP flips out is not something that cropped out recently and out of the blue. What makes a situation like this extremely challenging for the person with BPD attempting to recover, is that they are still in the viper pit if they are still living with their caregiver(s). Focusing on and moving towards independence with sheer determination is the best bet for survival at this point, in my opinion.

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Yeah Becoming, I gathered that this is something that has been going on for many years for you, it's not a reaction that will happen over night, and in your case it's years of being dismissed or put to the side whilst the needs of everyone else in your family have been attended to.


I think that getting a therapist is a great idea. It will help you to begin to unpack what the root cause is and deal and address those issues in particular that have caused you to have this response.


And yes you're right - parents are often in some kind of denial that there is something wrong with their kids - they dismiss it, push it to one side - all of which buries the problem even further - because eventually at some stage, it will errupt with full force.


And it's a shame that in some cases you've had to be THAT desperate before somebody in your family opened their eyes and said to themselves woah I think you're going through a difficult time here! It didn't have to reach that stage, they should have known a lot sooner.


I can write a whole novel on society and stigma - ughhh I think that I hate it as much as you do.


As for family?


At the best of times they may mean well, maybe, but they really can do more harm than good to our overall mental health, really they can.

Yeah, it's going to be tough but it has to be done. It's not a good way to live at all.

Today though was slightly better cause I reminded myself I guess. I was talking with my mom expressing things about my brother. She seemed cranky so I said "what's up with you?" She said "I just don't want stressful conversations right now." That was somewhat upsetting, but what made the difference is that she said something about it instead of just ignoring me or walking away. She did end up waking away but she excused herself. Had she not said anything or excused herself, I would have been crazy upset. I just want to get to the point where maybe she doesn't need to say it and if she's ganna insist on walking away I won't freak out.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Nobody is born with a personality disorder, though. If a person has borderline personality disorder, the roots of it will without fail be found in their childhood and how they were treated. What I also see in what the OP has written is the her mother is not being anymore rational than the OP is, which is a dead giveaway right off the bat. If I had a child and my child was threatening self-harm or suicide, I would have them committed, involuntarily if need be. It would not be a game, it would not matter if my child raged at me. However the OP's mother prefers to play a passive-aggressive game, prefers to invalidate her child by completely ignoring her child as punishment when the child says something unpleasant. I guarantee you that while the particular incident described above gives the mother at least some plausible deniability, that this pattern of invalidating the OP to the point that the OP flips out is not something that cropped out recently and out of the blue. What makes a situation like this extremely challenging for the person with BPD attempting to recover, is that they are still in the viper pit if they are still living with their caregiver(s). Focusing on and moving towards independence with sheer determination is the best bet for survival at this point, in my opinion.

Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder are different though. Nonetheless, it's been suggested to me a few times that I might have BPD or at least traits from that as well. I have been meaning to look into that. A lot of what you said makes sense too. I have felt invalidated for years for 99.9% of the time. You have the 0.1% where I can actually sit down and talk to my mother and feel validated (at least mostly validated).

I once had to walk toward her with tears streaming down my face and say "I need to talk to you and I need to talk to you now!" Her first reaction was to sigh and say "I was just about to relax!" I turned around and said "forget it." Then I ended up going back and saying "I am serious!" And she looked at me and didn't say anything. Finally I just started talking about all the triggers at home and how sometimes I feel suicidal and that nobody takes me seriously. Finally she took me seriously. Good? Yes. BUT it should never have to come to the point where I'm screaming at her to have a conversation, be shrugged off anyway, and then have to come back. Maybe she just had an "oh ****" moment after all that. The 0.1% of the time where I feel somewhat/mostly validated is always like this. I have to fight for her attention. Why? She's always too busy watching TV or drinking wine or reading a book or browsing the web. All those things always seem to come first and she never wants to admit that. I'm sorry if this sounds selfish, but shouldn't family ALWAYS come first (in this case me)?!

So anyway I guess that relates to what you said and all that has-for me- some characteristics of BPD. The Bipolar part I guess is the quick shift of emotion that can happen. One moment I'm feeling fine and the next minute something bad happens and I'm suicidal. Or one moment I'm feeling fine and the next minute something annoys me and I'm pissed off. All this even though I am on meds.

I really don't like to focus on all that is wrong with me, but I have to sometimes. I was running away from it for a while cause a therapist told me that I was focusing on it too much. So I guess I kinda stopped completely and buried myself in video games. Truth is there's still a lot wrong with me that I need to fix....or at least manage. I don't like to look at myself as broken but part of me is because that's the nature of mental illness.

I could go on even longer but I think I wrote too much already. Just wanted to share and say I can relate to a lot of what was said.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Crazy Hitch]

Still thinking of you

Originally Posted by Becoming

Today though was slightly better cause I reminded myself I guess. I was talking with my mom expressing things about my brother. She seemed cranky so I said "what's up with you?" She said "I just don't want stressful conversations right now." That was somewhat upsetting, but what made the difference is that she said something about it instead of just ignoring me or walking away. She did end up waking away but she excused herself. Had she not said anything or excused herself, I would have been crazy upset. I just want to get to the point where maybe she doesn't need to say it and if she's ganna insist on walking away I won't freak out.

That's progress. Did you see what happened? Sensing maybe it not being the ideal timing, you essentially asked her for feedback on her state of being. That gave an opportunity to validate her and take into account what she was feeling. Being listened to is more likely when it goes both ways. That gave her an opportunity to speak for herself -- instead of assumptions being made about her reactions (very important, as, as you have experienced, the assumptions tend to interpret things as being negative and personally directed -- which sends your thoughts spiralling -- when in reality they're VERY often not(!) (It can save a LOT of grief to remember that!)

As for that being somewhat upsetting, yes, that's understandable, but one way to help temper that is to remember that your levels of "being up to" handling various conversation varies too. Right? It's true for others too, and we need to try to cut them some slack that way. When others afford you that space, you appreciate it, yeah? Everybody does. Timing. We can't always choose it, but sometimes we can. (Prime true life example of not considering this... Right before going in to see stand up comedy, BF goes into this whole heavy upsetting thing that totally could have waited(!) He also has a knack for doing such things when I've just flopped into bed, utterly exhausted. He can jump to negative conclusions about my attitude, when the truth is actually very simple: I need the sleep. not only the time, but the content will likely to prevent this sleep. And being incoherent is no help to good conversation, lol.)

Originally Posted by Becoming

Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder are different though. Nonetheless, it's been suggested to me a few times that I might have BPD or at least traits...

So anyway I guess that relates to what you said and all that has-for me- some characteristics of BPD. The Bipolar part I guess is the quick shift of emotion that can happen. One moment I'm feeling fine and the next minute something bad happens and I'm suicidal. Or one moment I'm feeling fine and the next minute something annoys me and I'm pissed off. All this even though I am on meds.

(Underlining mine) Other way around. What you describe there describes BPD. Not BP. (it might have been a typo, but in case it wasn't, just wanted to avoid any confusion it might cause any newly learning readers.)

I'm so glad you are giving these things thought, that's where positive changes begin!

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Still thinking of you

Thank you <3

Originally Posted by Innerzone

That's progress. Did you see what happened? Sensing maybe it not being the ideal timing, you essentially asked her for feedback on her state of being. That gave an opportunity to validate her and take into account what she was feeling. Being listened to is more likely when it goes both ways. That gave her an opportunity to speak for herself -- instead of assumptions being made about her reactions (very important, as, as you have experienced, the assumptions tend to interpret things as being negative and personally directed -- which sends your thoughts spiralling -- when in reality they're VERY often not(!) (It can save a LOT of grief to remember that!)

As for that being somewhat upsetting, yes, that's understandable, but one way to help temper that is to remember that your levels of "being up to" handling various conversation varies too. Right? It's true for others too, and we need to try to cut them some slack that way. When others afford you that space, you appreciate it, yeah? Everybody does. Timing. We can't always choose it, but sometimes we can. (Prime true life example of not considering this... Right before going in to see stand up comedy, BF goes into this whole heavy upsetting thing that totally could have waited(!) He also has a knack for doing such things when I've just flopped into bed, utterly exhausted. He can jump to negative conclusions about my attitude, when the truth is actually very simple: I need the sleep. not only the time, but the content will likely to prevent this sleep. And being incoherent is no help to good conversation, lol.)

(Underlining mine) Other way around. What you describe there describes BPD. Not BP. (it might have been a typo, but in case it wasn't, just wanted to avoid any confusion it might cause any newly learning readers.)

I'm so glad you are giving these things thought, that's where positive changes begin!

Thanks, I'll have to try and remember to take into account how she's feeling. Maybe I need a backup system for when she cannot handle it (although it is VERY common that she cannot for some reason and I would be afraid to ask why).

Are you saying the quick change of emotions is a Borderline Personality Disorder thing and not Bipolar? I'm not sure about that. From my understanding, that is what Bipolar is, but it's mostly in long phases. So maybe it's a combination I'm not really understanding yet?