[graystreet]

Historically, I have a greater issue with depression during this time of year, when the weather changes and the days get shorter. This year has been especially hard. I’m trying to start a relationship when I’m not particularly used to men (people) being that nice to me...trying to trust someone is messing with my ability to be stable.

I am also a nurse, and I’ve had to deal with some challenging patients in the last month or so. It is difficult for me because when I have patients with an underlying psych diagnosis, I try especially hard to be understanding. However, much of the time, they are used to the system not being so understanding. Tonight, I had a patient who was abusive from the moment I walked into their room. For me, sometimes, it is hard to take the abuse and try to shrug it off as just a part of the job when, in my personal life, I am struggling with the same diagnosis they are. It’s hard to want to walk back into work every night knowing that my job turns a blind eye to this behavior, that it is about the bottom line and satisfaction scores. It doesn’t matter if I’m spit at, hit, kicked, screamed at or what, as long as patients want to come back. And I’m just not strong enough right now to be able to continually take it.

That’s all...I just needed to talk about it. Thank you.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry that happened to you. Thinking of you.

[Skeezyks]

Yes... there were some articles in our local newspaper about this a while back. It seems nursing has become a "trial-by-fire" sort of occupation, sad to say. I worked in 3 different hospitals doing nursing assistant type work many years ago while I was going to college. In two of them I worked in the emergency services departments. I don't recall ever encountering anything of the sort you describe, or as was described in our local newspaper. The world is becoming a sorry place I'm afraid... and a frightening one. I hope that, in some way, you can find a path to a more compatible employment situation.

[taybaby]

When I was in the hospital a nurse got a broken femur because a patient tackled them. I couldn't believe it. All I can say is that I am so grateful for the nurses I had while I was there, they helped me through the roughest time of my life. I just want to tell you that for every abusive patient I'm there is a ton of patients who are so grateful for you even if they don't realize it at the time.

I hope you feel better.

[graystreet]

Thank you.

I'm not doing so well tonight.

I've been doing pretty badly, mentally, for the last month and a half or so. I have been increasingly aware that I'm on a path which usually ends in the hospital, but as I am going on vacation out of the country at the end of the month (and it is paid for--non-refundable), falling apart is not an option.

I have some BPD tendencies when in relationships so, generally, I stay away from them. However, I've been talking to someone I've known for years and years and years, and he's a good guy. Really. In the past, I could have made a case for him being not so great for me, but right now, he's been the best. He's been navigating my moods beautifully, and sticking with me no matter what. Me though? Well, I will do whatever I can to sabotage a good thing. Anything. And that is exactly what I did.

I do this constantly, and then I'm mad that no one likes me. He really did like me. But I've burned the bridge with him, pretty sure (if you'd seen how I treated him, you'd tell him to leave me, too). Even if he comes back, there is no way he'd want to be with me. None.

I'm my own worst enemy

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by graystreet

Thank you.

I'm not doing so well tonight.

I've been doing pretty badly, mentally, for the last month and a half or so. I have been increasingly aware that I'm on a path which usually ends in the hospital, but as I am going on vacation out of the country at the end of the month (and it is paid for--non-refundable), falling apart is not an option.

I have some BPD tendencies when in relationships so, generally, I stay away from them. However, I've been talking to someone I've known for years and years and years, and he's a good guy. Really. In the past, I could have made a case for him being not so great for me, but right now, he's been the best. He's been navigating my moods beautifully, and sticking with me no matter what. Me though? Well, I will do whatever I can to sabotage a good thing. Anything. And that is exactly what I did.

I do this constantly, and then I'm mad that no one likes me. He really did like me. But I've burned the bridge with him, pretty sure (if you'd seen how I treated him, you'd tell him to leave me, too). Even if he comes back, there is no way he'd want to be with me. None.

I'm my own worst enemy

We just don't know for sure, unless we ask. It may be that he still cares for you? Some relationships run very deep and weather all kinds of storms.


WC

[~Christina]

Try to remind yourself daily to be kind to yourself .. we often forget that

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry you're having a rough time. Like Christina said, having compassion for yourself is important right now.

[wildflowerchild25]

I worked as a special education teacher in a private school for severely behaviorally disordered children for four years. I was breaking up fights on the daily, as well as insulted all day every day. One student told me to kill myself after finding out about my mental health issues (thanks to a stickybeak coworker - but that’s another issue entirely). I was never personally attacked thank god, beyond just getting stuff thrown at me, but it was a harrowing environment to work in. I had to take another job in a public school to save my sanity. I fully understand working with a difficult population and not feeling supported, especially with your own mental health issues to deal with. It’s hard to remember it’s not personal.

[emgreen]

I've been sinking, too, graystreet. This may be way out in leftfield, but I live in Michigan, as well...& November is the cloudiest month here, & add to that the time change at the beginning of the month leaves little daylight after 4:00. I hope your trip takes you someplace sunny...& warm would be nice, too, since we have 10" of snow. Chin up...& maybe get a light box. I'm not fully convinced they work, but they sure don't hurt in this dark, gray place called Michigan.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by emgreen

I've been sinking, too, graystreet. This may be way out in leftfield, but I live in Michigan, as well...& November is the cloudiest month here, & add to that the time change at the beginning of the month leaves little daylight after 4:00. I hope your trip takes you someplace sunny...& warm would be nice, too, since we have 10" of snow. Chin up...& maybe get a light box. I'm not fully convinced they work, but they sure don't hurt in this dark, gray place called Michigan.

Not going anyplace sunny and warm...going to Scotland, actually. For Hogmany, a big NYE party. Going alone, because no friends.

I'm just so tired of being sad and alone.

I honestly don't know if he cares about me or not. Part of me thinks he's just not really that into me, and that he just talks to me because I'm there, and he's bored. The other part thinks that he has put up with a lot, and is still trying to be there. But he's not very good at being there. Right now, he's upset with my displayed hostility and still has me blocked from everything, he says, "Until we see how I do over text." To me, this hurts and feels very demeaning and I've told him as much. I've told him that it feels as though he is being stubborn and controlling. I said that I understand where he is coming from, but I feel there are other, more constructive ways to handle things. We said we were going to talk about boundaries (haven't had a chance to, yet) and I named the blocking as one of mine, that I cannot tolerate this as it feels as though I'm being punished, and even abandoned. I'm 39 years old, not his child to discipline. I said it hardly seems fair that he can have boundaries but I cannot? Unless they fit with how he sees things?

He hasn't responded, but I know he has friends over, so I'll be patient (this was all said tonight). I don't really know if it's worth trying to work out at this point. But I'll not be treated like a 5 year old. I can't respect myself if I let myself continue a friendship in that way.

[divine1966]

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