HUGE Blow Up

So, firstly, a positive note: got back from a lovely road trip yesterday where I saw a lot of family and friends and did fun things.

The downside: I am back home and already miserable

A little about me may help in understanding this, but I'll also try to keep it to a short summary (since I know a lot of people here-sometimes myself included- do not like reading long things).

I'm a passionate LGBT advocate. I'm open-minded. The only thing I am close-minded about is close-minded people. I do not want to associate with them unless absolutely necessary (like when I am advocating for something). They are by no means friends of mine though.

I've grown up in a household in which I have been supported in someways and unsupported in others. I was supported financially during college and prior to college. We've taken some family vacations over the years. We've done things together. But in a lot of ways our family is also VERY broken. For the most part, I have always lacked emotional support from everyone (my parents and brother). They have shrugged off my feelings and my parents refused to respond when I told them about something my brother said or did. Much of this still goes on.

I also grew up in a house where my brother was addicted to weed. He smoked it many times daily. This was not allowed and my parents always argued with him about it. Somehow I would get in the middle of it and before I knew it I would be told to go to my room or called a "**** up" or told to "shut the **** up." I suppose I can attribute that to how angry my parents were that he was using drugs and how angry he was that they would not allow it. So here, you can tell, I was invalidated. Nobody wanted to hear me speak.

I became a vegetarian and was teased for a long time over that. This was 99.9% of the time my brother and he still does that sometimes. When I came out as gay (I'm a girl by the way) at 13, he would always call me a dyke. I'm still convinced that if he never had a gay sister he would be homophobic. My parents are not like this at all. They are okay with me being vegetarian and they are fine with me being gay. He doesn't get his ignorance from them. In fact, he ought to know better.

The HUGE Blow Up occurred today. He literally said he would not befriend a transgender or black person. "I would be okay if someone said they were transgender who I was already friends with, but I wouldn't go sit with them and befriend them if I knew they were" and "I would not go sit with a group of black people." (Side note: he also doesn't want Hilary Clinton to be president because she is a woman).

My brother has long been the antagonist in my life. My parents know this yet sometimes have done nothing about it. They're more likely to throw their arms in the air and go "oh well, nothing we can do about it" instead of scolding him. I feel that I, as a sister, should not bear the burden of correcting his wrongs/teaching him better. Parents should do that. I thought they did, but he got his transphobic, sexist, and racist thoughts from somewhere. Maybe once he got them (probably from horrible friends in High School), they just gave up on him.

Anyways, I screamed my head off at him. I was literally (and I mean literally in the literal sense and not figuratively) spitting mad. I was shaking and every inch of my body was tense. I screamed basically saying I'm sick of having to fight my brother because I shouldn't have to fight for equality in my own house. I said he is exactly one of the people that I fight against. And I said that just because he is my brother does not mean I have to like him because I did not choose him for a brother. I said I can choose my friends so I can choose whether or not he will be one of them. Finally, I said "I refuse to speak to you again until you get your **** straight."

That is right. I mean it. I am finally cutting my brother off for good or at least until he can admit and apologize for his wrongs. I have taken years of his abuse and ignorant/biased ways. I have finally decided that I refuse to feel guilty for cutting him out of my life. This is something people around us will have to deal with. I refuse to feel bad about it. The relationship is not healthy for me. If you can cut off a friend or a girlfriend, why does everyone make such a big deal if you need to cut off a family member? If he was not related to me, I would have nothing to do with him at all. I finally reached that conclusion. It is better that we do not speak to one another. Maybe he will start to take me seriously when he realizes I have cut him off. He is moving out this weekend. Thank god. This means I only have to ignore him for a few days.

It is important to note that it is not only his ignorance that has caused this. Again, he has always been the antagonist in my life. He says "I'm suppose to tease you. I'm your brother" when he purposely pissed me off. He will bang on my door (which I've explained is triggering and asked him many times to stop). He will call me "overly sensitive" even thought I-again- explained it is a trigger and asked him to stop. He will ignore me randomly (again a trigger and just plain rude). Half the time he does not even bother to say hello or goodbye when entering or leaving the house. He consistently insults me for any mess that I make. I'm sure I could go on even longer. I just wanted to make clear that there are A LOT of reasons why I made this decision.

I hope this does not sound immature. I tried to explain it as best as I can. Family members can be toxic too, you know? And he is. He is.

Oh I totally agree - some of my family members are very toxic!

Sounds to me like he's said a hell of a lot of uncalled for comments that would be damn hard for me to listen to if I were in your shoes.

I'm sorry that you had to hear and put up with that nonsense

I moved four hours away from family, I have had no dealings with my brother for several years, .... need I say more ... I understand ...

I had to end my relationship with my father (at the same time my siblings either came to the same conclusion or the court did for them). But my sister and I had major issues (not as bad as what you are describing though) for years until her wedding when I was the most miserable bridesmaid ever and I had little to do with her for years until her husband told her she was mean to me and should be nicer. I only know that b/c my mom told me so I can't thank him but we've finally established a pretty good relationship in the last several years since she had kids. Not best friends but we get along and I'm very much part of my nieces' lives. I truly never thought it could get better and still am a little shocked that it did but I am so glad.

I hope that someday your brother also sees the error of his ways.

Yeah, I don't take what he says well at all (as you can tell). I mostly bottled it up (though did of course get angry sometimes). This was the first time I was spitting mad. I got a sore throat and threw some things (not good, however, it got the anger out and I cannot feel bad about it because guilt is no good for me).

Thanks for the support.


I guess sometimes it is better that way. It is something I finally admitted.


I do think some arguments/teasing is normal, but when it turns mean and/or close-minded it is certainly not okay. I could understand the shock that it got better. My brother and I only very briefly were better (maybe a couple months a few years ago) but it crashed again. So I'd be surprised if things mended too.

He's never been in a diverse area. He's always lived at home. So his exposure to minorities is lacking tremendously. Him going away to a diverse college could help to change that. Then and only then we may get along. That would be nice just as I am sure it is for you and your sister.


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Part of what it took for my sister and I was that she finally researched bipolar, learned about it and called me to talk about it. When she understood more what I live with she understood me better. Oddly it took being more isolated (they lived in an extremely rural place 10 hours from family and friends for a year and a half) for her to realize having a sister is worthwhile and an illness doesn't mean I'm evil. I hope your brother finds something that helps him see the same about you and about people in general.

My brother knows what it is. He has Bipolar 1 and I have Bipolar 2. Similar but different. He cannot relate to the deep depression I get and I cannot relate to the psychosis and mania he gets. But personality is separate from mental illness as well.

I don't think he thinks I'm evil. Rather he thinks that he has the right to consistently disrespect me and others. If anything, I'm the one who sees him as "evil" but I would use the word a**hole because he's selfish, ignorant, and disrespectful.

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I should say that she felt I was evil for some good reasons. Our family was very abusive and there was a lot of anger and resentment between us for a long time and I said and did things that I'm still ashamed of. Once we got in a fight and I even slapped her, something I'm completely horrified by now. There was so much hurt that came from her but some came from me. Which means that we're talking about totally different situations now that I'm being more honest.

Sorry, I didn't think I was wasting your time but now I think I may have been.

No you're not wasting my time! I read and responded because I genuinely wanted to do so! This forum is for support and sharing and that's what you're doing. I'm happy to read and respond

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Don't ever feel you are wasting our time. You are using the forum exactly for why it is here in the first place. People are here that want to help you through anything!

3 days later. Tomorrow goes into day 4 (and I'll be gone most of the day anyway) and I have not spoken to him.

I don't know if this is bad or anything, but I cannot even deal with the site of his face or sound of his voice. I have been locking myself in my room and when we bump into each other I rush away into my room and slam the door. He cannot mistake my anger. Yet he still will not apologize. Even if he did, I would probably only say thanks for apologizing but I don't forgive you.

My mom got involved in some sense too. She of course was taking his side again. She got mad that I was mad and upset. I haven't spoken to her either.

My Dad is the only one I will speak to right now because he was the only one who checked on me that night to see if I was okay. He's been very understanding. That is really just what I need. I did tell him though that I won't leave my room unless it is to get something quick or if he knocks because he is the only one I want to see and talk to right now.

I'm waiting to feel like my mom cares. I'm waiting for her apology. It may never come. Her I can forgive. And then maybe for once she'll sit down to hear me out. Cold shoulder is not something I have ever done in my life. I prefer to talk about my problems to sort them out, but for over 8 years (when I consider the problem beginning from) that has not worked with her. Maybe nothing will if this doesn't. I just hope she's thinking and one day she will knock on my door to see how I'm doing or to say sorry.

I'm not waiting per say on an apology from my brother. He has very rarely ever apologized for anything. When he has apologized he's had some excuse or still blamed me...never taking full responsibility. Perhaps it is because my parents let him get away with so much. He figures nothing can be his doing. If the needle in the hay stack arrises (meaning that he sincerely apologizes with no ********), I still know I cannot forgive him. He is-simply put- not a person I can comfortably associate with. He is not nice to me and his values are completely opposite from mine. I hope this isn't harsh, but I am honestly ashamed to be related to him. If people judged me by my brother, I do not think they would like me at all.

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I've had plenty of these! I am very liberal and opinionated and I let people know that haha.

I find it interesting that my family supports me in being gay but not my bipolar.

Blow ups are common in everybody's families. Not just our bipolar friends.

The thing that I've realized in my life (just got diagnosed a few weeks ago) is that you need to just hold your self accountable for your actions and do the right thing at the right time.

If it was affected hat badly, explain and apologize. We can't use our bipolar as a crutch and we can't blame things on bipolar. However, we can do what's right in the end.

Sometimes talking and explaining that your opinion still matters, however, your bipolar caused to to react the way you did.

I hope things get better soon. No matter what they always manage to work out.

Hugs

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Try and be a duck.. The more you let just roll off your back the better you will feel Yes I realize that it's hard.

When people stop getting a reaction they typically move on, the thrill is gone.

I don't blame things on my Bipolar, but I think that it can in some cases be cause for overreacting or extreme emotions. It's just about what you do with them and it can be a bit harder with bipolar, but ultimately, yes the person still must be held accountable (unless in an extreme state of unwellness where they are psychotic...hate that word btw).

I'm set in my decision to put him out of my life. I went to him tonight and I said "I am sorry we faught. I am not apologizing for what I said but how I said it."
He had his typical response "you [insert bunch of blaming stuff] and you [more blaming stuff", etc. He-once again- took no responsibility from his wrong-doings and said "don't expect an apology from me. I think and say what I want and I do not give a **** who has a problem with it" (aka in my opinion is like saying "oh well I can be an asshole if I want to and not be responsible for it"). He will never change. He simply isn't someone I can have in my life if I want any sort of peace and emotional stability.

Well, the only reaction he has got now is nothing from now on. I actually told him not to call, not to write, not to try and get someone else to get a hold of me, etc. He knows I want nothing to do with him and he is both unwilling and unable to change or accept any of his behaviors and attitudes. He is who is he. I'm done with that and he now knows it. Maybe one day he will learn. I just will not be the one to reach out to him ever again.