[Wildflower4]

I was just diagnosed last week with Bipolar I disorder and generalized anxiety. I am 40 years old and have been struggling greatly with severe depression and anxiety for a couple of months. It wasn't too bad at first but the past month has been really hard so I went to a Pdoc. After we talked, he said I am bipolar. I was both relieved and devastated at the same time and also a little bit in denial. I told him I haven't been manic since I was younger because I was a little overwhelmed at the time but now thinking about it I realize that isn't true. I've luckily never been hospitalized or experienced psychosis, however I wanted to check into a hospital a couple of weeks ago so I didn't have to deal with life anymore because the other alternative would be permanent. My sister, two uncles and my 20 year old son also have bipolar disorder.

I guess I felt relief because I always wondered how I could make incredibly impulsive and sometimes destructive decisions in my life. I went through a period in my late teens/twenties where I was married 3 times (married to my 4th husband now) had 3 children, and cheated on my first two husbands. I've carried the guilt of hurting other people and not knowing why I did those things for almost 20 years. I'm still reluctant to say I did it because I was sick because I feel like I'm making excuses for my bad behavior. I haven't been promiscuous like that since I was younger but I still feel bad about it. I have spent money like crazy and money I don't have. I've made bad choices regarding education and jobs (I'm actually in school at the moment and I think that is what triggered this depressive episode).

I felt devastated because I've seen how hard life is for people who freely admit they are bipolar and also watched my sister go for several years unmedicated-she struggles and loses touch with reality at times. I'm also afraid I'll never feel better or normal-not that I'm sure what that is for me anymore. I also feel ashamed-not sure why. I know my husband is having a hard time with this but we've been together for 10 years so we'll work it out.

The pdoc put me on lamictal and Seroquel (to help me sleep ) and plans on adding Effexor after I am stabilized.

I think I'm still processing all of this information right now and my head is just full of emotions and questions. I've been reading this forum and wanted to tell you all that reading your posts has helped me so thank you.

[yanks7]

Welcome. I was diagnosed at twelve and didn't believe it till I was thirtyish. Sure I get depressed but doesn't everyone? And what, you want to take away the few days a year where I actually feel good? I don't think so. For me what makes it worst is knowing on some level but not acknowledging it until I myself went back to school and I did experience psychosis. That is some scary stuff like the nail in the coffin that something might be wrong here and maybe I should do something about this. I do fantasize about letting go of the guilt and shame like I could just say 'oh I'm bipolar that makes sense. So you know all those ****** things I have done in the past? well that wasn't me. sorry for the misunderstanding.' The thing I have noticed the most is that the people that I thought I had hurt the most eventually came back to support me when I took responsibility for my illness. No it is not a cure all, but I am amazed at the capacity of other people to forgive and forget (not a strength of mine) when I am actively trying to get better which gives me hope. Hope that even though I struggle from time to time that doesn't mean I am a bad person destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I hope things work out for you it sounds like you have good support system around you. good luck!

[Disorder7]

I always tell people to remember that they were bipolar before the diagnosis. You are the same person you've been all of these years.
Now maybe you can start getting the treatment you need. Hopefully, things will improve. Take care.

[~Christina]

I wasn't diagnosed until age 43.. It was like ..Oooooo that explains A lot !!!!!!!

There is always hope and you need patience, it does take time to find what is going to help you find stability , Bipolar needs attacked from all sides, medications can only do so much, Lifestyle changes need to be made. Therapy can help you identify triggers and also help you to make peace with your past and move forward... It is possible, I promise.

Welcome to PC

[gina_re]

I didn't accept it the first time I was diagnosed. I stopped my meds and moved to another state not long afterwards. Talk about impulsive! It took about 10 years of reckless behavior and eventual reflection to accept it. Looking back I totally see it. But all I can do now is do the best I can to keep myself stable and mindful of my behaviors so that I know when things are changing so I can reach out to my pdoc or therapist. You will be OK and you have us when you need us. : )

[Wander]

welcome to PC!! I hope you find lots of support here. Post as much as you need.

[Edgar's Mom]

Welcome :-) I'm very new to this forum but I can tell you that here is a fantastic group of very well informed and supportive people.

I was diagnosed almost 20 years ago but never learned anything about BP. I'm reading threads and identifying all over the place and finding answers. I knew very little about BP and there are many aspects of the illness that I was completely unaware of.

Knowing you are BP and being here is much better than not knowing and not being here, so your diagnoses is a good thing :-)

[Capriciousness]

Hi! I'm so glad you found this site. It is one of the best ways to find out more about the disorder and not feel so alone.

I think the time post diagnosis can be tumultuous. It is a journey for all of us to wrap our brains around this Bipolar thing (haha pun)

Even now I still sometimes look at the pills in my hand in the morning and think "really? I have Bipolar disorder ?"

And I know that I do. But it was a journey for me.

I'm trying to make it easier for other people to go through by writing on my blog. I hope you'll visit. I hope it helps.

Peace love and Lamictal