It's been awhile, vipassana attempt.

Hey guys, it's been some time since I was here, I had exams-session, it was nightmare experience-wise, although I somehow managed to get average grades. This was the first time my therapist actually asked me if I have any thoughts and/or intentions to harm myself.

At the last exam date 3.8 I had a Vipassana course which I had registered to like 3-4 months ago (as far as I remember). I didn't go to exam eventually, did go to Vipassana although my therapist kinda advised me otherwise, she basically said it is not the right time for me to go on something as intense as Vipassana.

I only managed through 4 days in the retreat and cracked. I actually broke on the 3rd but said I'll try another day.. Because I've been waiting for this experience for 2 years and finally I got it, I can't just give up on it.

But I couldn't handle it anymore, everything floated back into my consciousness. All memories, all repressed stuff, nightmares, and the feelings and emotions and sensations just grew unbearable.
I had headache and couldn't eat in the 4th day.

I'm so sad I couldn't manage through these hard moments.
I'm happy I did let myself go and not let my condition manage my life, my dreams.

I'm a little bit better than I was in the exam session, but at times I feel this black hole sucking me in, emptying me from every feeling n thought.
One moment I feel like 'Okay I'm going to practice the meditation technique at home, everything's gonna be great'
Then in the evening I'd feel defeated and suicidal.

JustARant I guess.

What is vispassana? I've never heard of it but it sounds traumatic.

Vipassana is a Buddhist practice, most especially a type of meditation/breathing/mindfulness practice. It's a wonderful practice; like any intensive meditation practice it can be very intense - but very cleansing, as well.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81

Hi bbTofu, nice to meet you! Some years ago I spent a few months in Israel, on kibbutz Or-Haner (near the town of Sedrot).

I'm delighted to find someone here on PC who practices Vipassana. I have used Vipassana as part of my yoga and meditation practice for many, many years. Yes, if you are really 'working your stuff' meditation practice can be extremely intense. But such a productive way to walk our path.

In my experience it can be very, very intense to go deeply into meditation. Please don't be hard on yourself - you've already done so much work! In my opinion you should continue the practice when you're ready to do so. Best to you~

Glad to read those kind words LauraBeth, thank you.

I found the rest of the lessons of S.N Goenka and I will try to keep up in my own pace, I bought a pillow for meditating and I will take it more seriously than I did before Vipassana.

I actually live nearby, just 30 km from Sderot, in Quriat Gat, and also study in Ashkelon which is also very close.