[wildflowerchild25]

I've been depressed for about a month now. Not severe, suicidal depression. Moderate, I really don't want to be here and it's not fair depression. For the last two weeks (since summer school ended on the sixth) I have literally been sleeping morning noon and night. I get up, take my son to school, come home and sleep until 3pm, pick him up, come back home and lay on the couch/doze until bath time. Then I think of nothing except going back to sleep until 9:30, when I take my sleep meds and pass out. Sometimes I take extra meds just to ensure I fall asleep immediately.

I've gone to the gym a few times but just to fight through a half workout until I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sad and crying almost every day, but mostly I feel numb and flat. I feel like there is a weighted blanket over me, holding me down and stamping out the positive or any happiness I could possibly have. I have no hope that anything will ever get better. It's awful. Im not being the mom I want to be, im turning into my mom after my father died.

Now naturally I have a reason for depression (for those who don't know, my husband passed away suddenly in May). But it's gone deeper than that. I feel no joy. I just want to cry all the time. I don't know if it's just a stage in grief I'm going through or what. I have a recurring dream in which my husband is alive again but when I wake up it's not true and I cry. I cry for everything I've lost and everything I was robbed of. I know that's grief, not bipolar, talking, but I think they're starting to intertwine.

Question is, should I ask for a med increase from my pdoc? I can go up another 150mg on the Wellbutrin. Do you think it will help? Like I'll still be sad and upset but it won't be this thick cloud of hopelessness smothering me every day. Like I was earlier in the summer.

What do you guys think? Is this at least part bipolar coming to beat me down? Would a meds change help? I'm still in my IOP three days a week and will be for another three weeks or so. Then I'm back to outpatient therapy. I'm thinking of trying to find a grief counselor instead of a regular therapist.

I just need some help to get through this. I can't sleep all day. School is starting very soon and I can't go in depressed like last year. It just sets the whole year off badly.

[Victoria'smom]

Asking for med adjustment is perfectly fine. It won't help if its not from the bipolar. I think you really should get a grief counselor and a regular counselor. You can be going to grief and not be you Mom. As long as you keep trying you're not like your Mom.

[~Christina]

I think a grief therapist could really help. Medications can help even if the root cause is situational. You have gone through so much and I think your doing remarkably well considering it all. Just keep going one foot in front of the other

I third the grief therapist. I would at least ask about a med change too. As long as it's just a slight increase of what you're already on, maybe it'll help. Honestly, whatever gets you through it is fine. Be compassionate with yourself. My heart hurts for you.

[cashart10]

(((wildflower)))

I would ask about the med increase.

Hugs to you, my friend, you deserve all of the love and compassion in the world. Your son is blessed to have you as his Mama. I wish I could do something for you. Just know I'm thinking of and I'll be praying for you.

[gina_re]

My grandmother and I were extremely close. When she passed it sent me full force into depression where I woud be constantly crying, I was even crying at work. I saw my pdoc who put me on klonopin for only 30 days (he's not a fan of benzos, only in extreme cases). In addition, I did group therapy which was offered at the library and it really helped to talk to others who were going through similar issues. But I also went into individual counseling which helped so much. The pain is still there, I still have dreams about her, but I got better. Bereavement with bipolar is hard, but the counseling really helped me process my feelings. I would look into that. I know you can get through this. It's hard, but I'm sure you're a strong woman since you're still functional, albeit not at the level you would like, but you still are.

[wildflowerchild25]

Yeah I think I'm going to look for grief counseling. I can stay on with the pdoc at the program as an outpatient. But I think I will ask about the increase too. Just as an extra pick me up so that I can keep my job and process my grief. I'm afraid of work becoming too much for me again and having to take time off again...I'm pretty sure it would be my last time off. Can't afford to live on disability, plus I just can't be home all the time, as these last two weeks have proven.

Plus side, I did take a walk and go to the park with my son yesterday. I only slept for three hours as opposed to the whole day.

[wildflowerchild25]

I talked to my pdoc today and she raised the Wellbutrin. Here's to hoping it will work fast or at least work at all. I was pretty depressed today. I didn't sleep as much but laid on the couch pretty much all day. I did manage to play with my son for awhile though. Tomorrow I'm going to take him to the movies and maybe go shopping for some new work clothes if he lets me.

Thank you all for continuing support. I'm really glad I can come here now that my main support person is gone.