[Moreta]

Well I know why I was freaking out yesterday. I seriously think I have PMDD, cause I always go bat **** crazy the couple days before I get my monthly visitor. The rest of the month everything is fine.

I went and tutored today and made $10. I'm going to paint another nebula this afternoon. Soon I will be a master at nebulas. lol. I sold one already. I really like it and thought it came out good.

In other news I ate gluten last night, so my stomach is all torn up. You would think I would learn my lesson, but no, I never do.

[Roblovescats]

Originally Posted by Roblovescats

Anyone remember me?

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Take that as a No

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I don't think I have met you? ^

I am doing OK. Feel like I may be going up. I feel like that in the fall.

[gina_re]

Not the best of days, but it's always darkest before the dawn..

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by Roblovescats

Anyone remember me?

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Hello. Hello. Hello
I remember you, and your great sense of humour

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by gina_re

Not the best of days, but it's always darkest before the dawn..

Do you really believe that?
Sometimes, it seems like it just keeps getting darker

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

Do you really believe that?
Sometimes, it seems like it just keeps getting darker

I do because I've been in way worse situations and I made it through and was stable for years. I can get through this, it's just very hard to see right now.

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by gina_re

I do because I've been in way worse situations and I made it through and was stable for years. I can get through this, it's just very hard to see right now.

I understand what you mean.
Strength through belief and believe in strength
For me, everything has always worked out fine in the end, so why would it change?

[Roblovescats]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

Hello. Hello. Hello
I remember you, and your great sense of humour

Thanks

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[Northern_Spirit]

Im doing well. Im very stable at the moment thanks to my meds and support systems as well as going to OP.

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[scatterbrained04]

I'm not doing very well. I'm so alone. But for the first time in awhile, I feel myself.

[mom2trips+1]

Feeling sad, anxious, bored, alone. Husband out of town for a week on business and having to hold down house with 11 yr old triplets who have lots of homework and sports after-school. Not sure how I will get through the week. Was in bed all day yesterday sleeping. But I will get through... I always seem to manage.

Originally Posted by Roblovescats

Take that as a No

I remember you. That's why I put a hug. Sorry to say, in lieu of writing. I've not been communicative lately.

Which pretty well covers my thread answer today. Been pretty stable lately. But quiet. Not even jouralling. Just... don't know. It's alright. Input mode's fine, just no output.

[fishin fool]

I am still bipolar

[gayleggg]

Feeling pretty blue this afternoon. I haven't done anything all day and feel like a waste of space. I can't concentrate long enough on any one thing for long enough to get anything done. Sad day.

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[Roblovescats]

I am pretty stable. Working my butt off. I think it is the down time that really messes me up. Being busy keeps me from thinking too much.

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[Takeshi]

I don't wanna fail like last Monday, I have to keep it together.

I've done morning rap karaoke session, I was doing that more than half an hour, I'm becoming a noisy neighbor who talks to himself out loud and LOVES saying 'BUISCUits, biscuits'....I just wanna go out and go to a KFC, and find a kid who don't know anything about the world and demand my gravy on it, and tell him that I'm about to pop the trunk!! I should also threaten the kid to reveal the secret recipe while I'm at it, eh?

It's all in my imagination, I assure you, It's been so bloody man,,I thought about stealing a car and taking a joy ride and, I slaughtered so many humans in my head, I even skinned. two cats...it's been fun to think that I'm a psychopathic killer. This imagination exercises keeps my head busy, I haven't yelled at too many people at work, I wasn't too nice to people around me, and that is a good thing. I still talked too much though..

It's all about inputs and outputs of my brain, that's what I gotta manage to get through this dreaded Monday off today. I really wanna succeed this time, the weather's good, cloudy! and it won't get too hot, so, it's better. I prepared myself for today, I've done some laundry and the part of clean up of my room, I still have a lot more to go. I may need to go out later, and do what I wanted to do, I'm doing this for the next Monday too, I just gotta get a hang of it, 'cos I have no idea how long this is gonna last.

I learnt an important lesson yesterday btw, lots of other ppl talk to themselves! And some of them are polite to an inanimate object. I just cuss at them, so now I have less worries, ppl don't usually pay attention to those behaviors normally, I'm realizing that now. The more free,,er I feel about it, the more I find myself talking in my own head and I'm not so sure if I'm talking to this other persona or, to whom/what I'm talking exactly. Say this typing, who's this aimed at?

If I think about it, lots of what other ppl do are odd to me, like facebook and blogging, if they are not talking to audiences, they are just talking to the ether. I don't see that as journaling, that is defintely one for themselves, isn't it? If I were talking with someone, and if I didn't take things personally, who are they talking to? Not me, and I think I deflect things and think everything i hear/see in my own ways. People don't seem to like that though...

I've seen/heard enough probably, even if I don't remember all of them. If my brain really wants to take the time and pay attention to things, I have no good reason to go against that.

I already had a tiny success last night, I lit a candle on the balcony outside and I got to relax! It had been ages since I felt like that, and it wasn't even planned, I just knew it was about time so, I thought of doing another non alcoholic beer experiment and I decided against it somehow, then I came home and the summer's almost over, the outside air's cool enough, I heard next door neighbors voice so I didn't put on any music, the city light was too bright for the true candle lit comfort zone but my mind settled at a place where It was really supposed to.

I don't think I need to win every battle, I'm not conquering a country or be a king of my own world. If anything, I should be talking with myself hell a lot more to get along.

With that thought, I still gotta learn more about my condition. Last week, only a couple of days ago, I had a Deja Vu moment and I wanna know why that happens. Also I had a moment, 'oh, yea? maybe this is what other people say, racing mind. ...' It's not an easy concept for me to understand, how do you know that, anyways? When does it hit you that you have that type of mental frame of mind? Sometimes my point of view are hopping with that thoughts that might be racing, or sometimes I see that from another angle, seeing/following the train of thoughts. I'm with the mind connections/sparks at times and not at some other times.

And there's another thing that came to my mind the other day, which is 'clawling out of my skin' feeling that's used in this community or maybe it was mentioned in 'the good book', is it 5th edition now? I thought of biting into my own skin when my mind got confused, but I'm pretty comfortable with my own skin. I think this is quite personal, for me, out side of my own skin means a certain death, I have no spiritual realm to have another life or no hallucinations that shows me the world in different tone.

I read yesterday where someone was saying that she couldn't get to sleep because anything could happen while she was asleep, a legitimate concern, I have to say. An emergency psychiatric help is the same for me, without knowing exactly what they are gone do to me, I wouldn't even consider taking myself into their care even if it kills me. And as I have said earlier, there are lots of work that I can do myself, nothing's clear cut at this point. The personality differences and the medical help they are under, the brain's imagining function covers so many things, creates and lends hands to make other brain evolve. Essentially, the help that I need is everywhere, all I need is a tiny hint from other evolved brain to interact with mine, maybe I should bring this to a close, the reality is just a state of mind, peace be with you today.

[Christopher1990]

im drinking tonight. third night in a row. i havent drank in over a month. i belive im drinking out of boredom, so I could change my state of mind. i know this isnt good. but, it shouldnt hurt. tommorow im going to try and do something healthy and going to try to eat good the whole week. for now, im getting drunk. cheers.

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[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Christopher1990

im drinking tonight. third night in a row. i havent drank in over a month. i belive im drinking out of boredom, so I could change my state of mind. i know this isnt good. but, it shouldnt hurt. tommorow im going to try and do something healthy and going to try to eat good the whole week. for now, im getting drunk. cheers.

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Please be careful!

[Standup2me]

I am coming to the reality of I need to go to therapy.
My eating is self destructive and I need to change.
Admitting that I have a problem is the first step...right?

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

I am coming to the reality of I need to go to therapy.
My eating is self destructive and I need to change.
Admitting that I have a problem is the first step...right?

I think so, I'm struggling with the decision of going back to therapy too.

[Takeshi]

Sorry about the creepy ideas that fell outta my head,

Possible trigger:

The theme of my head today seems to be death...

--Willow tree, hollow, sorrow, I forgot what else,,pillow!! chill, ill,,frozen emotion,,took me 40mins to get out of this incapacitation, and I'm not decapitating anything or anyone.

I have no idea where this is coming from, I was also thinking about autopsy table, cold steel and bloooood, blood soaked into my imaginary fabric in my brain, maybe this crappy weather's affecting me...

I just found this free paper on the floor and on the back, it was an ad for cremation! And on the cover, it has a pic of paintings, one like The scream by Munch, it's just creepy as ****, I'm not enjoying this weird connections at all.

You won't find beauty without good emotions, and the opposite end of the emotion doesn't seem like sadness to me, it's just the void there, I may be right about all this though, I believe that there's nothing after death, when I came back home last night, I saw this dead cicada right out side of my door. If it were alive, I'd be ecstatic to see it and I'da talked to it, just like I was doing to this new tiny spidy on my balcony. And I also have this idea of feeling nothing of my parents death, brother's, I don't even care if I find it out or not. My own death, I'd love to go out as John Doe, just withering away, rotten or stinky or whatever, when my soul's done, that's it, finito.

I guess I just have to practice more, read/hear more about what others think of their mortality, I'm sure I can find something interesting in suicidal thread somewhere on this forum too. Spiritual people must have totally different view on this though..For me, as of now, I just have to try to be indifferent, and get out the funk as soon as possible.

The scenery changes whether I like it or not, I stopped listening to bad music, I was just doing the last load of laundry, I just don't know what the hell happened. It has something to do with my brain speed though, I've sorta figured out the pattern, I know when to watch out for, I didn't spin out badly, have no idiotic ideas for the rest of the day.

I wanna finish this with what got me out of it, whatever it was, I didn't feel good all of the sudden and I was trying to take a nap, but my brain was just connecting words, thoughts with this dark undertone. I was wearing the same perfume as last week, it was fading pretty bad but the faint scent was the key, I may have been wanting to get a little bit of shock from anything to get out, like a bloody color red, with this cloudy/rainy weather outside, everything looks crappy, and I don't decorate my own room well, it almost has no color, and my favorite color for my outfit now is grey. Neutral is kinda my thing.

Putting aside my own demise and my collection of violent music on my Kindle, I was seeing lots of death this morning, the KFC chicken hanging up side down on the slaughter line, they kill them through water with electric shock, am I correct? On a small farm, they chop its head and hang it to drain the blood. Morning hog slaughter, is this because of stress hormon, cortisol was it? I'm not vegan, I can afford that life style. I just know what I know, I can't escape from it.

Something I liked, the whiff of perfume smell nudged me, even without a word in my head, I knew it was something positive in that weird sea of grey, it helped me to get out of being stuck there.

I don't plan to dig it any further, I still have things to do, I just wonder if it was a depressed mind that may or may not come back, is other person's depression proportional to their past trauma? How about my past then? Am I supposed to do any more than I had to deal with, again at some point in the future? Moving on and letting go, idk, I just have to remember the past rears it's ugly head, make connections that I'd rather not make, but they won't be tripping me this time around.

Free mind is a healthy mind,,,,,,,,,,,My mind is rich! in something... and I need NO BUDGET!!

ETA: Lying on the floor thinking,,,I may have been in this place long before my dx, kinda scary thought. I just don't get it, why my mind bring me up and down so much, my physical health is sort of a okay, only this brain feels like it's ladened, weighed down with this incomprehensible ball/mass of thoughts, it's raining outside but I'll try candle lit therapy again. I have to tell myself it is okay to curl up in a ball in my bed, only if that help ease mind though...

[Northern_Spirit]

Today i cant sleep. Past that ive been pretty stable so i cant complain.

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[LadyShadow]

I can't sleep either. Although my insomnia has been on the backburner for some time. Been getting a good night's sleep the past few nights, but tonight just feels like one of those bipolar all nighters.

Been more in touch with my spirituality lately, although I need to get a handle on the daydreaming and imagination as it interferes with enjoying the present moment. Also decided to take a break from my favorite chat program as I am getting quite obsessed with someone on there.

Breathe. Just enjoy the here and now.

[gina_re]

I haven't showered since Wednesday. I telecommute 3 days of the work week. I haven't left my house since then either, except to run to McDonald's yesterday. What is wrong with me...