Good day. Got a lot done.

[Standup2me]

Another day ticked off of the calendar

[BlackSheep79]

Just saw Slash perform, freaking awesome!!! I've been hypo lately, called pdoc yesterday to see if we can up the Geodon. Still waiting.

Ummm, STILL doing well(!!)
It's actually sort of disconcerting(!)

Getting things done. Is this what being "normal" feels like? (Lol. Probably not. ) Was out briefly tonight and I interacted(!) Going home, occurred that it might have fallen into the realm of (uncharacteristic) "talking with strangers like it's no big deal" (which is a key indicator for me). Didn't feel driven to talk though. Hmmmm. Guess there's some other stuff too. Up-tics. Not pathelogically so, but probably worth keeping an eye on.

And I know I said I wouldn't, but.... I "semi-unintentionally" adjusted my meds. After a few nights of forgetting p.m. dose, thought, "Oooops. Well, it's going fine, so let's see....". (I didn't quit taking it, just taking half as much, which is still a typical therapeutic level.)

We're set to move this week, so that'll be a good test. Haha.

I was making connections, thinking I was healing. Then work threw a spanner in the works. Now I am so sixk and my brain is being ridiculous. I can't reason with myself.

Turning to chilling out with a heavy show on and a block of chocolate.

[gayleggg]

My day has been pretty good. I managed to overcome my anxiety and went to get a haircut and go to the store. My mood has been pretty level overall.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

hoping to get my watch back tomorrow. (it's been gone for about 2 days now)

i tell you.. trying to tell the time without it is quite difficult.

so i hope.. you know, it gets fixed

i read somewhere today- everyone has something to contribute to life. wonder if that's true?. and if it is, what i've contributed.. reading that made me feel quite depressed actually, because i do believe i'm an exception

let myself down and harmed myself today, and by the time evening came started overeating too

[Takeshi]

Hello, I thought my stomach was gonna explode yesterday morning so, I called in sick and went to the hospital, my next appointment was set on Monday, I didn't use ambulance for that but it was almost an emergency for me. I met this punk doctor from the first visit there, he mentioned smoking once, yes, I read a horror story of plastic surgeon and cigarette smoking and all I can say without lying about it is I've still got a pack of cigarette, I really shouldn't have bought it, Did my smoking that I cheated show in the blood test? Anyhow, this new antibiotics through IV tube is working, the pressure is relived and I really have to get better.

I already told my boss that I could do the job despite the pain, and I gave into myself, I was useless, not having able to move at all, and some of you may know that I'm usually alone in the workplace as a representative of the company I work for, so it wasn't easy for me to tell my boss on the phone that I needed next 5 days off all of the sudden, and as it turned out, the doc knew what he knows good, the surgery is almost not necessary. My remnant seems fine, the abdominal wall(cyst wall? idk..) was thicker than my first scan, man, it was painful.

I arrived at the hospital 10mins after the lunch break started, so I had to wait more than 2 hours because I wasted time when I left home. This whole pain and the work situation got me anxious, although I had this small tub of chewing gum for a substitute for my smoking habit, I went out to the shop and got me one packet with the pain.

I can see this IV medication is working, and believe it will continue to work. I'm just feeling the pressure to take responsibility for my life, to get better by Tuesday, this doesn't mean I can overhaul my personality and stuff at the same time, whether I'm in pain or not, I still find myself not doing well in public, I get somehow affected by the news on tv, and I'll be taking a bus again this morning to save some money.

I was still in lots of pain when I got back from my first drip in my system, I didn't know if it was gonna work, so I had to take care of some **** online, they are mostly about my spending, I don't like this myself but it's still happening, one company notified me through email that I was forgetting to pay, I lost the bill so with some additional charge, they are reissuing it for me. Rent money, I gotta move it around between two bank accounts, this is another added pressure.

I don't usually get a break from work like this, it's almost unthinkable, it's a territory I normally chose not to go at any cost. What I do and think has to prepare myself for that kinda set backs in life, but with what's been going on, it is easier said than done.

By the way, when the IV drip was suggested, the doc said it with 'hospital stay' !!

Sure, I said that I was gonna take a break from work, as long as I needed to recuperate, I was in so much pain, but I had to ask, can I stay being a outpatient? He agreed. I declined all the offer for the wheel chair while I was 'snailing' to other parts of the hospital for the tests, I hope I'm not being too difficult.

If I keep a distance, everything(my mind) is fine, it maybe idiotic/stubborn, a little danger to myself? When I visit the hospital, I spend large amount of time in the front yard's bench, it was almost raining but I stayed there yesterday. Saw couple of caterpillars, moving so slow, they gonna soon change into these beautiful things, I notice different dances among different species, I even saw a courting dance the other day, me, being earth crawling 'hairy' caterpillar is fine. Brighter the better, I'm not savory so ppl can stay away.

What am I gonna wear today? My waist might still be bigger but I want to go back to slim pants if I can. And I'll be keeping this longer than stubble thing on my face till Tuesday. This outlook got a toddler's attention on the second or the third hospital visit, they stare at me, and this was not the first time that happened. I have a little confession to make. Like a decade ago, this little kid was studing my face intently at a super market isle, so I gave him a scary face and made him cry. I still remember to this day, I just turn around and walked the other way, of course the kid went to his mom for help, I suppose she didn't understand what was going on, which is nothing. The little creature should've left me alone. I just still feel bad about that, kids are just too curious, talking to a stranger like it is no problem is also a curiosity gone wrong? I been doing okay with that though.

People just don't listen, I did this to my doc yesterday, he was gone give me this new antibiotics so he had to ask me to stop taking one pill. Then I replyed "all of them"? I saw his annoyance, my mind was so frucked up from not eating and being in pain, NSAID pills weren't working at all, I still don't know if they are good for me. Every man made chemical pills has side effects right? I just couldn't phrase the right question, I bet he still thinks I'm pretty stupid.

Back to the toddler incident, not the one I was talking about, I met another one, stopped right in front of me while I was waiting my turn in the waiting room. I couldn't take any more visual inputs there so I was wearing sunglasses indoor, looking down and trying to see less of my surroundings. IT wanted someting, so it extended its little hand, I extended mine to touch it, I tried to smile without removing the shades.

hmm,,,I don't know what I'm thinking today, It feels definitely I'm getting back to normal, thinking one way for a day and the following day, I might be unhappy. Am I happier than this turtule outside of the window that lives longer than me? They do hibernate, reproduce like other human beings, the world around me is always there as they are, I'm not seeing a doctor today, I'll be getting only IV drip and I'm almost late! They haven't told me what I exactly got.

Looks like I'm biking to the hospital today, there's no more bus, it's too late, and I still need to get cleaned up and change the dressing... And I got no plan after that, I'm already bored!

I'm procrastinating big time so I'll just send and go. Was good to hear from all of yous.

[Standup2me]

Weird day. Bad tremors, gut ache, and my skin feels like there are ants
crawling all over it
Weird

Originally Posted by Standup2me

Weird day. Bad tremors, gut ache, and my skin feels like there are ants
crawling all over it
Weird

uggg the skin crawling feeling. hate it too

today i'm planning to put up some more christmas lights in my bedroom (blue and white ones)

i've been havingf breathing difficulties for most of the night (and the morning), but i hope that by the time i've watched my soap opera and put up the extra lights, things will feel a little better.

hopefully i'll get my watch back today (fingers crossed!), and for dinner it's sausages and chips (providing i can eat by then)

[coldwut]

I was depressed for almost two weeks and I didn't get much sleep last night because I thought demons were going to do things to me if I slept but now I'm ready to roll.

[Takeshi]

Yesterday, I took a nap, had too much coffee and slept. This IV antibiotic is catching up with me, my stomach is messed up inside, I'm prescribed some pills to counter that and I think I've been taking them as instructed. This visit to a toilet seat is becoming more frequent since last night and guess what? I forgot to buy TP last night, I was very near to a place I usually get them, I knew I forgot to buy something but I didn't realize it was this important.

Right now, I don't even feel like drinking morning coffee. I woke up early, and I have enough time for a 9 o'clock appointment. It's getting itchy so I guess this means it's healing, today is the day I was waiting for, I'll be seeing a doctor, probably a new one again and I can ask him where this is gonna go. I hope I could merge today's appointment and tomorrow's, the time doesn't overlap. I feel like I'm wasting one working day unnecessarily maybe I could use the time to make the room in a tip top shape, it's quite likely that I'll be slacking off like the day before, this need to change.

After looking into my life lately, I've decided that I started to take SJW pills for the first time ever. A day before my big 40 b-day. Things has been a little crazy, this new hair guy tomorrow had better not mess up my hair. Tomorrow's dentist app isn't that important, I don't have to talk there. Today's doc app and 'morrow's hair salon, I got no script to rehearse on. And I'll be back at work the day after that.

My mind has been sneaky/naughty lately, it knows when to flip this low inhibition switch, I admit that a lot of time when I'm in an unfamiliar places, I need that push. It stays on, and keep telling me all day, "oh, I/U is doing what the heart tells you to do, just listen and do what I tell you, do not worry about a thing." And this doesn't make me feel good at all and not gonna last forever. This makes me see this as not a learning experience, see myself as just immature jerkass.

I need my serious side back, I used to think that "Yea, I'm always serious, why else would I do this, or say that?". Now it's gone. I don't know what this is, tbh, I didn't think this was gonna last this long and I'm seeing no end in sight about this. This doesn't beat when my mind switch/flip to the other side, I been getting this, I have no future, no purpose to get up and do anything, therefore I'm dead, my job, my self there is over, and I'm all alone, that kinda thoughts are happening more often since fall rolled in. I guess I'm quite lonely, I've been reading stuff on 'Our Pet' section, I wanna kitty! that stays forever a kitty. Wouldn't that be nice? I want that kneading paw from my childhood. And if the lady I was thinking about last night were in my life, If I had a social skill to take her out of her work schedule, do something about this, life would be better.

She probably think I'm an idiot. Chance encounter, that's what I'm gonna do. She's not my depression medication, you can guess what I'm thinking, right? She doesn't have to know but this just don't feel right. I'm mature 40! Well, less and less ppl would get me IRL. Sad truth ha?

Gotta go get myself ready. the rest of the day might go like this, I go into the doc's office and say:

"Yo, Doc, 'sup? You make your whilte look good, and I rock this outfit. We've walked through completely different path, and I'm single. I'm gonna stay single, so I can't afford to have this outtie on my belly. Could you please fix this?"

[Moreta]

wasn't very productive today. was freaking out all morning, but i talked to some people and took my meds. Feel pretty good now.

[Standup2me]

What is the meaning of life?
Why are we here?

[99 FAIRIES]

I think we are here for love. To love and to be loved.

[Takeshi]

I AM CURED except my stupid brain.

Whoever came across the grossness of my recent posts, thanks for putting up with them, there will be no more, I hope.

A grey haired gentleman doctor told me that this could happen again but there won't be a scary surgery in the future, and I now know what to do if this ever happen again. I even know how to speed up IV drip, which I did while I was in the very nice and sunny last IV session today.

Originally Posted by Standup2me

What is the meaning of life?
Why are we here?

Now the pain's behind me, I want to apply myself and learn these kind of things bit by bit, things ppl would learn at Uni over the course of years. Just by looking at Wikipedia entry for 'Meaning of life', it is obvious that there are so many ways to look at things, ppl know these kinda stuff, unbelievable. I've got to catch up and find myself/my survival strategy somehow. Why wouldn't you find yourself lost in life when there are tons of other things that you don't know about? It'll take years to know why ppl do what they do, sorry to say I ain't got time for that.

What are you really asking? I, just don't do that. It's like a question for a much bigger brain than mine. I'm just here, existing, don't be hatin'. Meaning of life. Really? U asking ME that? (This translates to, it's okay that you're just there.)

How the *bleep* should I know? It's really fine not knowing that. Finding someone see the way I never thought of, that kinda moments are just amazing, so precious, enough to keep me going till I learn more.

My brain is maybe like an universe. (Pls don't ask me about 'knowledge' and how it limit my thinking etc...I'm not smart enough to answer that.) I'm just imagining it. Do I get to see the birth and collapse/end of my universe through the way by which I live my life? Probably that is not the whole truth. It's just feeling that what I create to see, what I'm capable of envisioning in my tiny brain, the sparks and it's passage way aren't all there is.

Spirituality. Maybe you have that, hmm? I didn't grow up in a household that taught me anything of that sort, so I don't know what this means to me, it's like an afterthought to me at this point. And I hope that I could find some meaning in that by observing and interacting. What does it mean when ppl say spiritually awaken?

What is the meaning of life?
Why are we here?

It's like we are born to ask that questions, isn't it?

The answer doesn't have to be given.

Just need to be asked. For EVERYONE. Y'know, a guy with a nuke switch, a man with a gun pointing at someone else, verbally abusive friends/coworkers, maybe a guy on a brige who's about to jump, our friends here who can't help themselves to SH, practically every single person on this planet. I should do it to myself more often.

Great post, Standup2me, thank you.

(Something's not right, this is the second time today that tears welling up in my eyes. The first time was when this lady from Fukushima earthquake was on tv, and now, here for the second time. )

So so much pain. For years being told its mental. It hurts so much but it's not going to kill me and painkillers do nothing anyway. Breathe through it all.

[Moreta]

Go up early to go to water aerobics. Had my eggs, so now I'm just waiting to go. Feel pretty good.

[gayleggg]

Mood is fairly good but the anxiety is rough this morning.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Azvixxen]

Can I just say "UUUGH"?...I guess I can.

[Standup2me]

When does Lithium nausea go away?
Come on, it's been since March

I hate when hope looks like delusion.

[Takeshi]

Feeling pretty down right now. I need to recover quick.

There's been bad signs like LED light bulb almost going off, and I broke a bottle of perfume for the first time. I also found out that I have kinda less money than I thought I had, it was like where did the money go, I knew I was spending but ... oh, there's one more. At the dentist office today, you know the feeling, I just felt the end of my life near me, which isn't good.

Man, my room's overloaded with vetiver smell, I still splurged a little though, knowing I don't have much money in the bank, I'm spending my bday alone, **** it, that doesn't make me who I am, the perfumes and a tatoo on my arm, did they cost that much? Now with a little digging in my head, I know precisely whey the money went, I'm gonna have to live below my means.

I have done this 'cos future worries won't change much even if I save some of my income, I ain't got much of a future. I can never make it perfectly safe, so this realizations today, whatever the true meanings may be, they are making me feel alive. Bad things/situations and my reactions to them are fine, even though I may take them harder than others, they are still fine.

I just can't wipe this feeling that things sometimes shakes me so quick, left to right, ups and downs. Un-stability/unbalanced self could damage me if I let my mind go too far. I'm the only one who can stop that, especially when I want the way I want to live my life.

My kindness towards myself up inside my own head has to win.

ETA: The nearest ATM got closed down! I was a bit upset about that, I still am.

Well, I'm editting again, let's cut the crap and leave this post as an uplifiting one. To do this, I have to show my true nature, which is, a guy who talks to himself.

"Dude, why are you smiling? Yea, I know, I feel the same, all the craps in our head, they are good stuff. 40 damn years worth, I look around and not much I see have 40 yrs history on them, maybe those tree might be as old as I. And we do know that you saw some good things, those lives, you see the connection to them. Despite the bad signs and the uneasiness when you walk through this world, if I keep looking them instead of the uncertainty, it'll sustain us. "

I'm not writing a book or journal here, so I'm going to stop now. I got myself butter chicken curry and some chips with salsa, NO BEER! Honestly, I don't remember how I was at the exact time last year, what was happening, continues to happen is who I am I guess, if my life punchs me in the face, I punch it back, I've never seen the world like I do right now, not even once for the past 40 years, even though I don't wish anything spectacular till I get the next one, it just goes on.

This is kinda strange, y'know, I look out the balcony and see this river and the trees, the scenery was different in a big way, I'm sure of that. The 40 years that has passed isn't with me, what I see matters.

[Moreta]

I feel a bit hostile after getting attacked in chat a bit ago. I think I shall listen to some calming music and maybe meditate.

Hypomanic. Preparing for a trip always makes me go higher.