[Jensitive22]

Does anybody else on this forum struggle with intimacy issues? My libido is almost non-existent. I can't blame medication side effects because I'm not on any. I had this problem in my first marriage, and it did a lot of damage to our relationship and to my self-esteem as a woman. I don't know how much of it is biological and how much of it is emotional.

After the birth of my 3rd child and being pushed into having a tubal ligation, I just wasn't interested in sex anymore. I would accommodate my husband's needs, but I was never in the mood, in fact, deep down, the idea of it just made my skin crawl. By the time we divorced, I was 47 and I thought of myself as "dried up" and done with that part of my life. BUT... I began dating and had my first sexual experience and it was like the heavens opened up. I could not get enough sex and one boyfriend was not enough to keep up with my sexual drive. By the time I met my 2nd husband, I had a "stable" of four regular sexual partners and frequented two online dating services. This lasted about 6 months and then I crashed and burned. I was diagnosed with BPII and placed an a mood stabilizer and an AD. My sex drive still had some life in it for the first couple years of my new marriage, and then, it was over, like someone hit the off switch. That was three years ago.

My husband is 64 years old and struggles with E.D., but being with a younger woman who was so sexual active in the beginning aroused his imagination and put "fuel in the tank". Over time, his E.D. became an issue and my own urges subsided. I was ready and willing to move into the companionship phase of our relationship; I thought that's what he wanted, too, but every few months he raises the issue, except it's my fault, we're not having sex. I tell him I will accommodate date him anytime, just let me know, but that's not good enough. He wants me in the mood and initiating it, not taking into consideration that he probably wouldn't be able to follow though which would frustrate him and make him feel like a failure as a man. He Just sees it as a lack of love on my part. When we have this conversation I end up feeling like a failure as a wife and a woman. I tell him to just leave me and find another woman who can give him what he needs, and I just want the earth to open and swallow me. It triggers depression and self-hatred for days. In fact, it just happened a couple of days ago, and I feel like ****. He's always sorry afterwards, but he just doesn't get why this hurts me so much.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm like that too unless I'm hypomanic. We've settled on me trying to get in the mood at least 2x a week it usually just ends with oral. I tell him to leave find someone else but I flipped **** when he had an emotional affair . He also has ed and is going to the Dr for that soon. You're not the only one. Hug.

[Edgar's Mom]

I had zero libido for the entire two years I was on Lithium (zero hypomania too) . I also have no libido when I'm depressed but I guess that's pretty common. I'm still well below baseline and hope things change after my ECT. Before Lithium (and the two year long depression that came with it) we had a very healthy sex life.

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[Jensitive22]

Thanks for your responses, EM and MM. It would make sense that sexual libido would be affected by depression. It's just another thing, though, to make us feel guilty about how our BP affects our partner. Somebody posted a thread not too long ago about whether it's better to just remain single, or not. Too much time spent in my head means I am not as "present" in my relationships, as I should be, and when I am feeling nothing, I have to fake "normal" responses with the people I care about. I know, I'm preaching to the choir. Lol...

[Edgar's Mom]

I am happy I'm not single since my hubby is a great source of support to me and we are best friends. He is my soul mate.

I do often feel guilty that he's getting the short end of the stick, especially when he's working long shifts and then taking care of me. I want to take care of him more.

He feels like it's worth it though because he loves me and he knows it hasn't always been this way and won't always be this way in the future.

One thing..... He is never bored :-)

[neverending]

Before I got married I always wanted sex. After a couple of years of marriage I hated it but I really think it had to do with marital problems that never got solved. During the last ten years of the marriage he didn't initiate it so we didn't have it since I didn't want it. Now when I go hypomanic the sex cravings are the easiest way for me to tell I am hypomanic. I take paxil which should have the opposite effect on my sex drive. I don't want to date because I don't want to end up in bed with someone.

[Jensitive22]

Never ending, I think you nailed it. Unresolved marital issues. Had them with the first one and I have them in my current marriage. Unless I am manic, I have a really difficult time communicating and expressing my anger and hurt, so it gets stuffed and I shut down.

I had the same problem in my professional life as a teacher. It's frustrating, makes me angry with myself, because I don't have enough confidence or assertiveness to advocate for myself. I give in to doubt about whether I have perceived the given situation correctly and then my feelings become invalidated. When I feel invalidated, I get depressed and caught up in the negative tape loop of hopelessness and failure which leads to a dark place for me.

[neverending]

Yeah. I tried to get marriage counseling but he refused to go, even when he agreed as part of a hospitalization discharge plan. I stuffed a lot of my feelings too but I also fought a lot but everything always was my fault when it wasn't and nothing got resolved. About 33 years was a long time but I am doing better not married.

[BastetsMuse]

Originally Posted by Jensitive22

Does anybody else on this forum struggle with intimacy issues? *snip* I don't know how much of it is biological and how much of it is emotional.

My husband is 64 years old and struggles with E.D., **snip**It triggers depression and self-hatred for days. In fact, it just happened a couple of days ago, and I feel like ****. He's always sorry afterwards, but he just doesn't get why this hurts me so much.

I snipped a lot of what you wrote and left a few key sentences.

I think we all struggle with intimacy issues.... even "normal" people do. Some of it is biological and some of it is related to being bipolar.

From what you wrote, you have your issues, sure enough -- and your husband has HIS issues, too. Is HE initiating sex? Is he romancing you at all, trying at all, being loving at all? If not, then he's not meeting you halfway and is expecting you to do all of the work, and that's something you need to go to couples counseling for.

In my marriage, sex was gangbusters at the beginning and now hubby prefers if I initiate so he gets to say "no" or "I'm tired," which is a load of rot and puts the blame on me if things don't go well. We are working this out and I think from what you said you may be in a similar stuck place. Men love to be pursued, but women love to be chased too.

Having a mental illness doesn't always mean the problems are all ours all of the time. Honest!

[kimber1234]

I'm glad I'm not the only one whose skin crawls at the thought of sex. Until I turned 40, I couldn't get enough. I'm 43 now and my hubby and I may have had sex 3-4 times since I turned 41. It hasn't seemed to hurt our relationship, but I start to think he's getting it from someone else. (He had an affair.... but 17 years ago) Inside, I want to be able to please him, but I have the skin crawling thing, too. In fact, I can't stand kissing sounds, etc. I wonder if I need serious help! I'll take any ideas!

[vjdragonfly]

It is great to hear I am not alone (although it would even better if it was not the case). Manic, YES!!! Rest of the time, do my best to try and get into it unfortunately I'm not doing it enough for him. Like you, he doesn't want it unless I want it, there lies the problem. One cannot force themselves to be aroused especially when you have no desire to be there. My skin crawls when he does try to initiate it, but for my part he doesn't do it romantically and even when he does I know what he is after and it just makes me want it less.