I don't know if I can stay out

I feel like I am so close to the edge with the hospital still/again. I don't want to hurt myself but am closer to that than I have been since Thursday. I am scared because I don't feel better, pretty much at all, except for the lack of suicide plan. Which I know is huge.

But I'm just so sad. And tired. And anxious. Last night I woke up and had been grinding my teeth so badly that all of them were sore. So tonight I have to wear my bite plate which I tend to remove and throw in my sleep.

It's not even been a week since the med changes. Tomorrow will be a week for everything but cutting the loxapine. So I'm well within the timeframe the pdoc gave. And my own pdoc is aware and doesn't see overly worried, just trying to help me get back to some normality with Seroquel XR and regular release which is all the hospital had. Next time I'll be taking my own Seroquel so I don't have to change off XR and back.

I know it takes time. I just thought there'd be something now. I am supposed to dogsit for a week in 2 or 3 weeks and my mom is saying she doesn't think I'll be well enough. I'm glad that she is doing that because it's new for her to realize this and act on it but I really wanted the money. Along with everything else I'm flipping out about money because I'm seeing my therapist extra and it will be hard to make it through another 2 weeks without having to resort to a credit card which I don't want to do. I may have to ask my mom for less rent next month and that just sucks.

I'm so tired...time for bed and hopefully tomorrow will be better. Thursday I see my therapist again and can get a more realistic picture of how I'm doing. Right now it feels like I'm 75% sure I should go back and 25% says "not suicidal, will survive" even though I feel awful. But if I go in they'll just be stuck starting another AP and my impression is that the longer before we do that the better to allow the last of the EPS to settle down and to get my dopamine levels back to normal. Also my own pdoc may be able to do that OP and maybe I should try to see her sooner. But if I give it the 2 weeks I'm supposed to I hit a busy week for her that she may not be able to make time for me in. I just don't know. I guess I should email her again in the morning. The depression isn't making decisions easy.

I want to stay out. I just don't know if I can.

Don't feel bad if you need to go back. ((rainbow))

Hugs to you. As I said before there is no shame in going back. But I really hope you feel better soon.

Hope things are a bit brighter for you today. Do what keeps you safe

((( hugs ))) I will support you either way , do what you need to but I think your stronger than you give yourself credit for ...

I had a rough night but today has been more manageable. I still don't know what is going to happen but at least I feel the same today as I did yesterday which is better than feeling worse. I'm just so very tired all the time. Tomorrow is going to be rough because I have to get up earlier to see my therapist. Then I have to go to Walmart because I was given a script for hydroxyzine in the hospital and for some reason it is $19 cheaper at Walmart and my insurance doesn't cover it. The idea of Walmart makes me want to curl up in a ball and sob. But I'll survive it.

I think that much of this is the fact that this has been going on for 8 months and I went to the hospital and still feel lousy, worse than before all the med changes. Which the pdoc said to expect but he certainly wasn't kidding.

I would be fine going back but I need to know I need to do that. I'm not getting a clear idea and that is what is so hard--not knowing. I'm very bad at delaying going as long as I can and this time I don't think it's the best thing to delay if I need it.

I just don't know. Tomorrow my therapist will and that will take care of that day.