What is Going ON with Me??

I just wanted to write a bit about what I'm experiencing and hopefully get some outside perspective.

I know that I am unwell. I'm having my trademark extreme restlessness that only booze, weed and cigarettes can remedy...and I'm sure my use of these things crosses the line over into self harm. Yesterday was agonizing. I began the day in so much mental pain and was in the depths of despair. It's a hard feeling to explain but I told my partner it's like the feeling of nails on a chalkboard, inside my mind. The day progressed and in the evening I was singing and dancing around like an actual crazy person. I have BIG ideas on my mind again that were not there when I was stable such as..."how can my life be so meaningless yet so incredibly meaningful at the same time?"
My brain is on auto-pilot in terms of obsessive thoughts about my ex (posted about that a couple days ago) and I've had the same song repeating in my head for days...which is no surprise I guess because when I first heard the song I played it ten times in a row or more because it just hit me so hard, even though it is just a silly pop song. The song has intense meaning for me. The bipolar mind is so exhausting! This morning the waters seem calm and I hope as the day progresses I won't feel the need to crawl out of my skin. No matter what I'm feeling the need to always be busy and out and about doing something is a constant, as it serves to distract me. Sleep is not an issue for me right now. I'm just extremely upset...in so many different ways I could never list them all. My peace and quiet mind is gone for now. I hope it returns soon.

I guess what I would like some perspective on is... how to translate all of this into psych jargon? I usually feel rushed during my pdoc appointments so it would be good to know exactly what to say. What do my symptoms sound like to you guys? Dysphoric mania? Thanks so much in advance for your helpful responses!

Could be rapid cycling, with episodes overlapping each other to create dysphoric mania in between.

I know EXACTLY what you mean by the nails-on-chalkboard feeling, that is the best description of it I've ever read.

Maybe consider bullet-pointing what you are sharing here, so it can fit into your pdoc appointment?

It kind of baffles me how psych professionals are able to define our mental illness...to me it has always seemed to be a matter of opinion. I definitely get the desire to know in medical terms what is going on with me but in reality it probably doesn't matter a whole lot...to me it's just a big mess inside my mind and it's hard to say what is what.

My appointments seem kind of rushed too at times. So when I went a couple of days ago I made a list so that I don't forget anything like I tend to do. So I rattled off everything I could think of, and he was appreciative because it gave him a better picture of what is going on and what to do. I'm not sure if this helps, but I definitely understand that feeling. I explained it to my mom as hearing TV static in my head when I can't focus. I hope you get better soon, in fact I know of it will work out.

If I used booze, weed, and cigarettes I would be a complete MESS.

Sounds like me to a T except extreme irritation, but that goes hand in hand with feeling like crawling out of your skin. For me I am overwhelmed with boredom and how the hell am I bored when I have a 9 year old, 3 year old and a 9 month old?! That makes me feel like you have said...constantly feeling like you need to go out and about and do something. The best I have come up with as far as an explanation in pysch jargon is hypomania/mixed states/dysphoric mania. But it would do you some good to actually say exactly what u have put in this thread..copy it and take it for ur pdoc to read. Anybody can use the psych terms but each thing could manifest itself as something different than what other people experience.