Identity Crisis

Hello everyone,

I posted this over on CrazyBoards. It is literally a copy& paste post from there, so if you've read it there, feel free to skip this post.

I'm in a bit of an odd place right now. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis and my tdoc, who always tells me to call if I need to go in before our next scheduled appointment isn't available for a damn week, when I really need support now. (I know. It sounds selfish, but the truth is, situations like this that are this intense are not normal for me.) I see my pdoc tomorrow, but am not quite sure if or how to bring this whole situation up with her. CB (and PsychCentral forums - where I will post after this, so, if any of you are on PC, I apologize in advance for the repetition.) are the only places I know to turn to in this situation or support, so please, hear me out.

So, basically, my identity crisis is causing me to hate what I have become. Not in a, "I'm a terrible person" sort of way, but in the sense that I am losing grip of my own personality.

I've been bipolar since I was 13, but have only been officially medicated for about a year and a half. In short, I am not used to this so-called "stability" and I really don't like it and, ironically enough, the "stability" is driving me insane. I don't feel like myself at all. I'm so used to the roller coaster that I believe I have come to associate it with who I am; with regularity, oddly enough. I am the polar opposite (I guess you could say) of those people who say, "I'm not bipolar/my disease; I have bipolar/a disease." I fully accept my illness as a very dominant aspet of my personality. I am my illness and my illness is me. I know this sounds odd/counterproductive, but it's the truth. I've lived with it for so long I cannot separate it from other aspects of m personality.

This anger at having lost a part of myself is nothing new. I've been plagued by such thoughts and feelings since the meds started kicking in. But everything has cm to a head the last few days, ever since I came out of my last episode about two weeks ago. Especially last night. I was up all night ruminating over all of this. I thought tdoc might be the best person to talk to about it, but as I have already stated, that is not an option.

I recently came out of a drugged out mania (not illicit drugs, but you know how meds sort of numb-down the mood swings?) which, much to the dismay of my pdoc, I opted to ride with pride, I guess you could say. There were nights I wasn't sleeping. I was more creative and intellectual-minded. And, for once, since I started on medication, I felt normal! Pdoc made me keep a sleep diary when I admitted to her that I wasn't sleeping vey well, if at all. Made me promise to take my Trazodone and all that, which I did, a few times... but this is where things become problematic. I haven't been taking it every night because I just don't want to and I feel I am headed down a road towards non-compliance. I have still been taking my Citalopram & Abilify, but grudgingly. Yes, in general I am in better moods on a daily basis and I know that is due to the meds, but I just don't feel like myself. I feel like a shell of what I used to be. (I even miss the depression and mixed states, if that even makes any sense to you.) I feel like a prisoner in my own body, unable to fully express who and what I am (whatever the hell that even is anymore).

Now, I'm not stupid. I vividly remember the really bad times, but still, I want to go off my meds and just be able to fully experience life again. (I know! *slaps own wrists*) On the one hand I think, just take the Trazodone and sleep it off. But I don't know if that's going to work. This has all been building up over the last year and a half/2 years (whatever; however long it's been). I doubt it will just go away with one good night's sleep.

I guess my question is: what do I do? Meaning... do I even bring it up with my pdoc tomorrow? She once told me she's not comfortable taking people off meds until they've been symptom-free for a year, and, as I said, I was very recently symptomatic. But... somehow, I find myself not really caring about all that and thinking about just going rogue. (And I really like my pdoc. She cares enough to have ordered a brain scan to make sure I didn't have a tumor causing my problems.) I really don't want to let my pdoc down by going off my meds, but I can't help these thoughts/feelings of wanting my old life back (yes, even at the risk of ruining my life) just to feel like myself again.

So, sorry for all the rambling. Like I said at the outset, I have nowhere else to turn and I'm afraid to/don't know how to bring it up with my pdoc. Does anybody have any thoughts; words of encouragement; similar experiences that might help me through this? (Sorry to sound so desperate, but I really am.) I just don't know who I am anymore. Thank you in advance or any responses.

i dont have much to say about this at the moment but... i can say that i feel for u... i had a few identity crises in my life, but not exactly what one would expect out of them... so they definitely werent as mindbreaking as some... but the emotions i felt with them were very real, which made me feel bad...

this is something im still battling with... not so much being hurt by it anymore, because its finally over, but learning to understand and accept something specific that i had learned...

i have nothing but love for u, and everyone else in this forum...

hope u find ur answers, whether from someones insights, or from within...

I want to start this post with saying that you are not alone in feeling like you identify with your illness as being a part of your core personality. I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 when I was 14. (I'm now in my 40's) That's obviously been a huge portion of ( most of it really) my life. So I, too, tell people that I am bipolar, meaning it is me/I am it. I also have other MIs going on that I feel are part of me to differing degrees. So I want you to know that I'm coming from a place of understanding and empathy, not being critical which I am accused of quite often.

That being said, my experience has been that yes, the meds change me to a degree but they don't have the power to take away who I am. Do I always have a clear idea of who I am? No, and, honestly I don't think even normies always have a clear sense of who they are. Why else would there even be a need for forums of any kind on the Internet? We all want to belong and, to a degree, people are all chameleons IMO.
Do the meds sometimes numb me? Yes, but that is usually temporary and sometimes even necessary. My manias can get intense and they never stay in the euphoric state.(I wish I could figure out how to maintain that. God, I'd bottle that stuff up and sell it! I'd be so rich!!!) Anyway, it transforms into manic dysphoria, which is the current episode I've been in. The only sleep I get now(for the past 3 weeks) is by dosing myself with cold medicine.( Yes, that's OTC drug abuse, I'm aware of that, but I also visited my pdoc again yesterday & she's going to call in a script for Seroquel to help stabilize me. )

If I don't get stabilized, what usually happens is I crash hard....straight into debilitating depression. Now, Idk about your experiences, but for me this is not my idea of fun. It does mean I feel... Intensely(yes I intended to capitalize that).....but the SI that I get with my debilitating depression can/nearly has killed me. On several occasions.

So , in a nutshell, the meds, while they can sometimes numb me, are also literally my life savers. Frankly, sometimes I NEED to be numb. It, too, in a weird sense, saves me.
You can't live forever on sleep deprivation and all the other dysphoria that comes with mania. You can live in bed all your life from depression, but is it any real quality of life? I mean, yes, you can exist like that. But that's not really living, my friend, IMO.

Life is till gonna suck enough on its own, trust me. I don't need to help that along with making myself sicker than I am already. I have learned that stabilization isn't the same as losing yourself. You still have that and noone can take that away from you. Ever. But would it be so bad to be happier for a longer period of time even if it isn't as mind blowing as mania? Would it be so bad to not have SI, or to just not care at all? ABout anything? That being said, are you really always feeling "alive" with bipolar? Because I don't . I want desperately to feel better. Even if thatmeans I have to depend on pills to change my brain chemistry to do that.

That is a loooong time to be left untreated, you must have some majorly good coping skills. Personally I am fairly happy with stable. I do miss the sheer life that runs through me when I'm manic, but that leads to a LOT of regretful things. I will never miss being so utterly depressed that I don't want to go on anymore. Your bipolar is a part of you, but it does not make you who you are. To me it is a disguise to our true inner self. Please talk to your pdoc about the feelings you are having. Best of luck, let us know how it goes.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It really helped me a lot. And though these thoughts have since subsided a bit, they're still in the back of my mind a bit, but your encouragement really helped and I know I can get through it.

I saw my psychiatrist today and she was very empathetic, not judgmental, so that also helped; and I have an appointment with my therapist for a week from Monday to really talk it out. I think what I'm going to do is just try to organize my thoughts on paper so I can really go into detail with my therapist about it.

Sorry that OP was so long. These thoughts had been building up over the last year or so and really intensified within the last week. Thanks for being so understanding of everything. You're all awesome!