Im sorry for whinging. I have no one else to talk to.

Its constant. The low moods just dont leave for long. And when I am low I am incapacitated.

I feel horrible thinking this but I find myself jealous and mad at those with mild depression, who are still able to work, study, socialise. Who tell friends about their struggle and get so much support, when my life is so much harder and getting support now is like pulling teeth because it has gone on so long.

"Shouldnt you be over this by now?"

"Maybe you need a med change"

"Perhaps its time to see another doctor"

I WISH I was over it by now

Meds merry go round has been going on over a decade

My pdocs do psycho dynamic therapy, it would take another 6 years to get the relationship I have with them....

It just feels like I am at fault for being so ill, just when my pdoc was starting to get through to me that its not.

[sad-panda]

I know how you feel...

I only have my mom i can talk to for support because this disorder has left me friendless. I envy those who have good, caring friends too. I recently had to quit my job too because the mood swings were nonstop, I became suicidal, etc;

It kind of sucks when you tell someone you're depressed, they assume it's just "sad", not debilitating. We're often misunderstood or not taken seriously

I wish you the best of luck

I read on fb that it is suicide prevention month. All good for raising awareness, but it frustrates me that those who have never been suicidal pretend to care with fb shares but never actually help the people at risk.

The few friends I have left tell me to ask them when I need help. The problem is, I do ask them, but when I am reaching out because I am suicidal, I do not tell them as I feel it is manipulative. So they dont realise how bad I am, but I dont want to put them in a situation that will leave them with guilt if I do succeed.

Again I hate to say it, but many I know claim "depression" over trivial matters (ie broken phone, not being able to afford a luxury), and quite honestly it makes it so much harder for us who do really suffer to be taken seriously in the community. This plain makes me mad, but also makes me feel like a sore loser.

Maybe I've just turned bitter.

I'm feeling slightly better now after going to play with my animals and went to work for a little bit until the goats missed me and escaped to find me. It feels nice to be loved, even by a goat.

[LettinG0]

Awwww...Supa.....sorry it is so bad and you are so frustrated and have no one you feel like you can turn to.....

Keep posting here......and, yeah, it's like even the commercials for depression medicine are stupid...take this pill and voila .... life is super-duper and great and fun......bleh!

[Mountainbard]

I know how you feel supanova, and I know you know you are not at fault. We go through a lot with this stupid disease. I'm just thankful there are so many others here who get it. I wish you all the best.

I am feeling much better today - once again - animals to the rescue.

And of course your support here has helped to know I have people to turn to.

Thankyou guys

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't think you are bitter. I think it is really hard to go through this and watch people respond to meds when that doesn't always happen for you. I know it is for me. Monday my pdoc told me that she has me and one other woman that she just can't get stabilized. And while I appreciate her honesty I can't help but wonder what is WRONG with me that I can't be like the rest of her patients? I am so tired of feeling bad and trying ever harsher meds and experiencing ever worsening side effects. There is an new AP we were hopeful about for me and then I discovered that the risk of EPS is really high and the risk of akathesia is even higher and since I'm really susceptible to both that med isn't going to work for me. And the other new med is related to one I already failed spectacularly on so it probably won't work. The Seroquel that has worked more or less for years isn't working so well and I need a new AP but it looks more and more like that will be clozaril. Which I'm afraid of.

And all that does frustrate me and make me angry and very sad and adds to my depression. I feel jealous of people who respond to meds and who don't have to fight quite so hard. But I think that is normal and healthy.

I also think it doesn't matter what other people think. I know my family tries to get it but it's hard to understand that I may well still be in bad shape in 3 weeks despite increasing my AD and potentially making another change or two by then. Or I'll be IP doing ECT. I just don't know yet. And that's frustrating for people trying to make plans with me.

I don't have many friends so it's mostly just family who put up with it and I think they feel like they sacrifice so muh. But compared to what I sacrifice it is nothing. They'll survive.

I just think your feelings are valid.

Back to being incapacitated again. I can't move without vomiting and this has gone on for a month. Gp can't figure it out, must be MI.

I had a party on the weekend, it all went perfectly. I did not enjoy myself at all. It was completely stress free for me and it all went exactly to plan. I didn't have fun.

My friends say to call them but what can they do for me when I can't even sit up naked in bed without throwing up or screaming in pain.

[WibblyWobbly]

A whole month? I'm sorry! Did they test for an ulcer? I got one from my lithium and it was really bad, but I heard the ones caused by h pylori are brutal. Maybe try a GI doctor?

My pdoc thinks ulcer but gp said its just weird. (His words). I don't know if it's worth going to more doctors I can't afford especially if they just tell me it is anxiety. I was sicker than this a few years back and they put it down to anxiety again. That lasted 4 months of vomiting and weakness due to not keeping food down. But they kept me on 900 mg seroquel so I was huge and gps did not believe I was not eating for so long.

My partner said to take it easy and rest up, that it was a big weekend and not to beat myself up.

I just panicked so bad because an unexpected client came to the house and I hid. They wre yelling for me for 40 mins. I was terrified. Trying to vomit quietly when someone is at your window is hard

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Have they checked your gall bladder? That hurts badly and causes vomiting, etc. Usually the pain happens/gets worse after a fatty meal but it doesn't have to be triggered by much.

There is just so much more going on here that I can't understand and no one will tell me wtf is wrong with me.

I got the talk from my father again, am I taking meds, am I going to the pdoc, why isn't there anything they can do blah blah blah.

This is way more on the anxiety side than depression

[Woolly Bugger]

Could anxiety be causing you to vomit? I gagged and almost threw up every morning before work for months, and I'm sure it was because of anxiety caused by depression. That was my self-diagnosis, anyway. I never talked it over with anyone.

[raspberrytorte]

My anxiety gets so bad I end up dizzy and light headed and puking. It could be anxiety. Hope you feel better soon!

Yeah I've put it down to anxiety but I do that for pretty much everything, suffer for months/years then find out it was "real" and get so sad that no one would help me because they think it's just in my head.

The fact that I am coughing up black and vomiting deep red/black makes me wonder.

My pdoc does not think the physical illness is anxiety but I know to some degree it is.

I know there is more than bipolar going on at the moment. I know I am not in an episode. i know the anxiety is what is driving me nuts now. But if it's not this it is that....

feel constantly mentally ill.

My support network are all saying its to be expected with all of the major triggers lately but I thpught I was stronger than this.