Grudges

I do in fact keep a few grudges and I know it is not healthy - especially the one of my ex husband.

My mother was very dysfunctional. She was hurtful, neglectful, and at times abusive. In a world of bullies she was my biggest one. Naturally I hold a big grudge against her. She has been dead now these past ten years and still it is rare a day goes by that I don't think of some memory about her and am filled with hate and loathing.

I left my ex of 16 years (common law) and got nothing but the clothes on my back. In addition to the house he had our savings of the high six figures. I was entitled to none of it. So, to constantly hear of his exploits - last year it was quitting his job because he wanted to pursue acting, this year it is moving to Panama for 10mos to find himself - has been really hurtful and hard to take. With each new ridiculous adventure I feel a knife plunged into my gut. I'm going to say it, damn it, the money does matter to me. I don't deserve to live in the squalor disability forces me to. Not to mention the difficulty of living 16 years with an abusive, lying, cheating, SOB. Hell yes I'm jealous. Heck yes, I'm worth it.

Rehashing over your father will not help you. Thing is, you, I, bipolar people rehash all kinds of things, but try to put it aside. Even if he "was" responsible, just you are in the game now, and in no way let him cross your boundaries now. You can no longer count on him, but you need to count on yourself, and any outside professional help possible.

Hugs to you

I don't hold grudges but it not because I'm nice or anything. My memory sucks.

The best answer ever.

I have hated my dad since I was a preteen. I blamed his behavior for the problems I have today. But since my diagnosis I have started to realize he probably suffered with MI too. Any time Id talk to him Id shut down and make sure it was as short as possible and avoided hugs , also avoided hugs with my mom too? As it always felt uncomfortable and superficial. And telling him I loved him felt pressured and fake.

Now I am able to talk to him more than my mom because he seems to actually listen and has more to say than her. Hugs dont feel superficial. I have never spoken to him about how he treated as a kid but for some reason I feel that theres some kind of unspoken understanding.