[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yesterday I found out something about a family member that is extremely hard to deal with. It's a whole legal thing and it involves serious PTSD triggers for me and so I was up nearly all night despite 2 PRNs and I'm feeling worse than I've been feeling which wasn't good.

Now I woke up to a cat having a pancreatitis attack. Right this moment he seems to be feeling a bit better but we are off to be at the vet's door when they open in a few minutes. Until then I'm anxiously watching him. This can be fatal; he very nearly died in March. (and I just paid it off...)

I have to go talk to my therapist today about self-harm fear and ask him to keep something for me to help me stay safe. That's always fun and I HAVE to talk about the family member thing an well, just not enough time in one hour for what needs discussed in therapy.

My depression I can't describe right now. It feels like it has an actual weight. This is just too much.

[Mountainbard]

I'm sorry you've had such a rough couple of days. I have a cat with health issues as well, and I constantly worry about him. I hope yours is ok. It's good that you are seeing your therapist today. I'm sure he will be willing to help you stay safe. Sometimes an hour isn't enough, and we just have to make the best of it. I wish you the very best. Remember to be gentle with yourself.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It looks like my boy will be ok. I think this time I caught how very sick he was faster than I did last time. He's spending the day at the vet's but I can pick him up tonight.

They did a test so we can decide about altering his diet; I have no idea how that will work since my 20 year old cat needs a different diet and since she'll starve without her diet it kind of takes precedence. But we'll try.

Poor little boy....

[Edgar's Mom]

Awww Rainbow I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I can relate and I can only hope you have some relief soon. Until then I hope you are taking steps to keep yourself safe. If you need to go IP I hope you can...

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My therapist and I had a long talk about how bad I'm feeling. He had discussed me in staff meeting trying to get more ideas for treatment. It seems like everyone thinks I need more medical treatment (ECT came up a lot) and to do artwork to try to help get the emotions out. He was very honest that he is very worried about me and my ability to keep hanging in while feeling this way. I sobbed (which I needed to do so badly) and I think he was emotional too; he kept telling me he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me.

We agreed my suicide risk is high and that I probably need to go IP but that I really, really need to see my own pdoc first, which is Monday. He is going to send her an email with his concerns which will help a lot since I haven't been able to say how I'm feeling well for a while now. He really is pro-ECT at this point so I guess that's how sick I am. I can't honestly think of too many scenarios for next week that don't involve the hospital unless I start feeling better or my pdoc has something new to try and thinks it will turn things around quickly.

I am so tired from all the crying and emotions. I'm glad I finally cried. I need to cry more.

My cat is home. I'll have definitive bloodwork back tomorrow. It seems he may be going into renal failure on top of the chronic pancreatitis. But it may be dehydration or something because the numbers were not bad, just not where they should be. The vet ordered another test for kidneys but I don't know anything about it. She was so kind; she knew I had trouble affording the pancreatitis test and she did the kidney one for no cost.

Hopefully tonight I'll really sleep. I want to nap right now so badly but it's a little late for that to be a good idea. The crying exhausted me.