No music here

I feel better today but not well. I have loads of anxiety. I feel like I am losing my mind.

CAUTION! VERY LONG POST! It doesn't bother me if you don't read it.
I'm glad you feel better today.
As for the anxiety I cannot much help; so far it's been a very anxious day for me too.
What time is your family get together... are you there already?
And the question you asked earlier about your family get together is a difficult subject for me because I don't know your family so I don't know how to address your particular situation without possibly hitting a nerve... the bleak prognosis of your aunt's illness (if it were my aunt anyway) would be quite difficult to handle, especially around so many other people.
Maybe after the get together you will be less anxious.
I do hope so.
And the part about losing one's mind is also a difficult subject for me because each person's mind is so different.
Thus I insert my 'well wishes' again.
I hope you let us know how you're doing afterwards too (the get together... any family get-together of my own has always created much anxiety beforehand and then less anxiety later, but I have no idea if that is what happens to you or not).
I see you traversed my page. I think it will halt future visitor messages at least for a while... that was much of the reason I did it... many of the messages I've had have resulted in my feeling very patronized... I don't know if you know the Andy Griffith show, but Barney always used to say... "Nip it, nip it in the bud").
It has stopped the messages so far! Statiscally speaking, there would likely be some by now.

No offense meant and I'm not getting political here, but in your OP you mentioned Glenn Beck proving everyone wrong... Please don't listen to him when you are feeling like this. He yells and provokes fear and that's the last thing you need right now.

Practice self-care. Soothe yourself with uplifting music. Distract your brain with cartoons or stupid sitcoms. And don't be afraid to reach out for help. I'm sure your support system would understand that you don't want to upset your mom while she's on vacation. They can help you deal with this without her for a few days, surely. Trust your instincts if they're telling you that you need help.

Ah...now I understand what you are saying. I appreciate it. I have decided not to go to my sister's at all. The get together starts a 4...but I am afraid I will feel trapped and lose control and embarrass myself. I talked to my doctor and he told me to start taking my max dose of Klonapin and to take Haldol prn and that he will follow up with me.

I thought nothing poorly of your visitor page but I understand your perspective. Sometimes others can patronize without even being aware they are doing it, I think. I don't leave many visitor messages regardless.

Thank you!



I am trying now to distract myself. I am listening to music but I think it is feeding obsessions I tend to get instead of calming me. I tried watching mindless toddler cartoons with my daughter but my mind quickly wanders. I was honest with my sister as to the reason I wasn't coming over and asked her just to tell everyone I'm not feeling well. My 10 year old nephew is spending the night tonight though, and probably my 17 year old nephew as well. It is probably a good thing though because it will keep my kids distracted and everyone should just leave me alone which I think I may need.

Some people disable their visitor's messages pages all together. I did that once. Most of the messages I've received have made me feel thought about and have made me feel much better.
There are only some people those posts I put on my page were for.
Those people would understand them, for the relationships were in depth. And the subjects spoken of in those relationships were well understood by all parties involved.
I don't trust people easily and in my experience of life I have found it unwise to blindly trust people.
IRL it is so much easier for me to tell who I can trust and who I can't. And I can pick who I feel comfortable with more easily.
I understand the wanting to be left alone.
I loved having my nephews and niece come and stay with me. It was a delight for me because I have no children of my own.
I'm off to listen to some 🎶 now and I hope I can eventually get those super cool tulip bulbs planted soon before the frost (they're eggplant colored!).
I didn't want to get rid of all of my friends but they are all tied up together and all of them would not understand why the rift occurred.
I'll let you go now. It sounds like thinks are more relaxed for you. I'm happy for you. Meg. ( I have multiple personality disorder.)

I know I keep posting on this thread. If you aren't following or want to stop doing so, that's fine! This is mostly to "hear myself talk". Today I took 2 MG of klonapin which is 2 MG more than I've taken in months. I took one about 1/2 hour ago. My husband gave me a bed time tonight and a time to shut off media. As long as I can keep from totally losing it, I should be able to oblige. Anyway, today was rough but not as rough as last night. I have my husband worried. I told him, like I mentioned yesterday, that the only position that makes sense to me is face down on the ground but that I am sane enough not to stay there. He didn't like that and tried to reason with my anxiety. I warned him that something is trying to break into my mind. But, I know that this is a false belief and I told him that. I am trying to shift my focus from this type of thinking as it gets me very worked up.

I, myself, stopped following your thread because I thought you were no longer going to write on your thread... and I subsequently unsubscribed from it.
I'm headed back now to read that last post you made.
I made a thread that no one posted to for so long I started using it for my personalities to talk to each other.
It's kinda fun.
When are you to no longer be posting?

Oh and that other part on other side of my mind that keeps saying you want me to leave you alone.
How did I end up following it to start with... Simon and Garfunkel.

I am in a way lucky because I live by myself and when laying on the floor is the most therapeutic thing to do there is no one to be baffled by it.

I am currently tapering off of Klonopin (Clonazepam, actually... the generic) and... very long story having to do with the not receiving of another med on time.
The whole ordeal is messing with my head so much that I've been isolating because I'm losing my temper around people.

Under Pressure...
Queen ft. David Bowie

Nope...I don't want you to leave me alone. I appreciate your input for as long as you want to share!

I was completely off of Clonazepam (I also take the off label) for months and months until 2 days ago when I was advised to take my full dose of 2MG. I still have room for .5 MG as prn and Haldol as PRN also. I was not advised to taper up, instead I was advised to just start taking it. It has made me sleepy but much calmer for the most part.

Good One...

Right now I am stuck on

Tori Amos - Caught A Lite Sneeze


This is my heart right now.

I made a reheated roast beef sandwich from Arby's for lunch. While it was heating, I tended to my daughter who was eating cottage cheese and grapes. Well, I overcooked my roast beef sandwich. I almost threw it against the wall. I smiled instead and stripped it apart and ate it piece by piece. It was not delicious, it was nutrition, bad nutrition.

My niece who is here is sick with a fever, we may all catch a fever and burn up.

I have my group tonight, with the encouragement of my mom and husband, I am going back. After saying something to my husband he perceived as *****y, he said, "I HOPE you go to your group tonight and get something out of it." He can be so misogynistic.

Group. What kind?
Yes, I remember about your daughter and that particular situation.
I don't have a child, have never had a husband... so it is obviously much different, but I have been being hospitalized for that since 1992. I'm practically archaic!
I told God I would never try again in Aug. 2014. The temptation returned ( I didn't think of it as temptation then... I thought of it I know You know my heart and fear and I know You will have mercy on me... maybe this is what You want too) about , maybe 2 minutes later... I was in a car being transported home from a tour at a mental hospital. I was so scared, really scared. I'm more scared of life than of death.
Then, eventually, I jumped in and promised Him I would never do that again.
At some point He took my desire to do so away (I didn't want to lie to Him, and I pretty much didn't know if I was telling the truth or not... it wasn't until my heart was in the promise I had made to Him) that He took the desire away.
I haven't heard Tori Amos for a very long time. I hope to listen to it soon.
You're mother is back? Do y'all get along well?
I don't seem to be getting e-mails for your thread... even though I'm subscribed to it... I get e-mails to others.... maybe I just haven't seen and heard them.
Thank you so much for setting my mind at ease about talking to you... I really am quite paranoid of virtual lies and snares.
Have you ever taken Lamictal? For years I was on so many mood stabilizers that has helped.
I was misdiagnosed for 20 yrs. I've been on a bunch of meds. A lot of co-morbidity in what I do have.
What is your daughters name?

You've probably taken Lamictal... it is for Bipolar1.
Maybe you are on it now.