[raspberrytorte]

I know something is wrong with me, but I'm not sure what. It's very distressing. I'm unhappy, but it's not a depression unhappy. It's this kind of empty, flat unhappy. I can't work on my writing because when I sit down to convey any type of emotion in my writing, or even in my journal, I get exhausted immediately. I can't focus or concentrate and am unmotivated, though I don't want to be unmotivated, so I try to motivate myself, but it just leads to the above mentioned. I told my husband I can't focus or concentrate and feel unhappy, and he mentioned something about a racing mind (like maybe I can't focus because I have too many thoughts or something), and I told him I don't have any thoughts. The last thing I have is a racing mind.

This is going to sound bad, but I just want to stare at a wall for hours (please don't make fun of me!). I'm sure I could. Right now all I do is work and come home and watch this stupid alien show on netflix! And then feel guilty because I'm not working on my writing.

I don't know what to do about my unhappiness! I'm just in a rut I guess. I don't know what to do.

Anyone have any happiness advice? I hate feeling this way.

[raspberrytorte]

I wanted to quick add that I don't feel I'm over medicated. I take 300mg of lamictal, 1,200mg of gabapentin and only 200mg of seroquel.

Why don't you give yourself small goals, like three hours of Netflix, fifteen minute journalling (doesn't have to be fancy), and take a walk?
You do sound a little depressed. I know when I was extremely depressed the only thing I could do was go to the grocery store. Even that required superhuman effort. But yeah, baby steps. If you enjoy your alien show, watch it.

[BleakGeek]

Have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed?

[raspberrytorte]

In all honesty, right now, I can't think of anything that I do enjoy. I'm sure there are things. Maybe I am depressed. But I never get depressed in the winter. I'm a summer depressed person, if I am going to have a depressed episode. Or maybe I really don't have anything I enjoy, which is sad.

[raspberrytorte]

jupiter - Thanks. Baby steps are good. I'll do that. Like maybe just try one journal page and not feel guilty because I'm not writing more.

[Mr.Arch-Vile]

I can kinda relate to this, honestly I have found nothing to help other than interactions with other people. It isn't an easy thing to pull yourself out of.

Try making small talk, as you've just done with this thread. Then from there you may get ideas to write about. Try listing to some music and pretend you are making a music video of it that shows the emotions you are feeling.

In depth I feel it relates to self-validation. You need, just like everyone else in the world, to feel that your existence is validated.


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[BeyondtheRainbow]

I spend a lot of time staring at the wall when I am very depressed. During that 30 hours I spent in the er this summer I spent long chunks of it staring at the wall. I think they thought I slept a lot. I did not. I just stared and it was better to stare at the inside wall than the nurses' station and the people who were watching me.

For me feeling like that is a marker that I need to get meds adjusted soon and my therapist needs to know. If I get to that point I'm about to cross the line into danger.

Right now I'm falling asleep the second I even slouch so I've not reach wall-staring yet. But it will come if my increased AD doesn't help.

I think I told you that I had a pretty extreme reaction to regular doses of gabapentin (emails reading "jadsfpoiasdjasd" and one sent to my pdoc that was ABOUT my pdoc but supposed to go to a friend). But it made me stare at walls and that's about all I did on it. You're functioning so obviously it's not that bad but maybe it is dulling things a little too much?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

In all honesty, right now, I can't think of anything that I do enjoy. I'm sure there are things. Maybe I am depressed. But I never get depressed in the winter. I'm a summer depressed person, if I am going to have a depressed episode. Or maybe I really don't have anything I enjoy, which is sad.

I just want to point out something ... You recently did to me what was a much to fast taper off a Benzo...

Every chemical that is added or taken away , Your brain has to learn ( again) how to function when any meds are started or stopped.. Benzo's are way up there on the list of giving a lot of people difficulty "adjusting" to " life after" and that can be weeks , to months..

When I went off Lithium, I seriously was sick as a dog for 7-10 days.. It was really unpleasant ... But honestly ? It took almost 3 months for my brain to clear up, I felt disconnected, Apathy, Just didn't really give a damn about most anything.

There really isn't anything wrong with letting yourself stare at that wall for a while. So I would say just accept and even plan to stare at a wall for 30 mins a day or whatever ... No guilt , it's okay to do so. Takes away the " guilty feeling"

[raspberrytorte]

Maybe it is the gabapentin. I didn't think of that

Or maybe it is the clonazepam nightmare. If I have a completely worthless year of my life it's my pdoc's fault. She's the one who took me off of it in two months.

[headlesspiderman]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I wanted to quick add that I don't feel I'm over medicated. I take 300mg of lamictal, 1,200mg of gabapentin and only 200mg of seroquel.

Well I am not even on all that much medication and I feel the exact same way. Lost I could stare at a tv show even one that I love and end up thinking huh!! Then I stare at the mounds of ungraded student work and I want to faint... It like hundreds of pages that I have to read and mark, and I hate feeling of being lazy or devoid of want, but I look at it and think what am I even doing.

However, I did find one thing that makes me happy some low calorie soda with real sugar and limes that tastes almost like a beer with lime which makes me some what happier when drinking 1 or 2 of them.

For you maybe watching your alien movie and start writing about them a bit might help you get out of your writing rut or go shopping for something new and fantastic to try and eat.

[Wanderlust90]

I'm not in a mental state to offer words of wisdom or positive affirmation but I feel exactly this way almost all the time. In between getting angry about it. Hugs from me & no your not alone. I wish it would stop for you...& me.

Fast taper off a benzo...I think that could be it. *hugs*

[scatterbrained04]

I know exactly what you mean. I used to have a similar problem. When I spoke to my pdoc about it, he pulled me off of Lamictal. It was weird because it came on gradually. I was on it for about three years before I had problems.

[raspberrytorte]

I was actually wondering about the lamictal. I've been on it for four years now. And last time I went off of it it was after being on it for little over four years too and I remember feeling a little similarly to the way I'm starting to feel now (with feeling weird and unhappy and too exhausted to exert myself over anything requiring a lot mentally, like with my writing).

[Nammu]

In in a similar situation. I liken it to being wrapped in a fog. Not depressed, not anything...it just..IS. I turn d off the tv today and started playing music, most know DNA of laminating and longing types interspersed with uplifting Renaissance folk dance. I kept staring at my book then bit by bit I was able to focus. Maybe you could give yourself time to just stare at the wall...maybe that's what your mind wants or needs to recharge? Try to go easy on yourself for not having any words right now.

[raspberrytorte]

I'd wean myself off of it, but everyone would freak out (like my husband and clueless pdoc), so I won't.

[gina_re]

This was me two weeks ago!!! I was trying to work and I was just staring at the screen knowing what I was supposed to do but couldn't do it. I would just space out and be....blank. No racing thoughts, just empty. I figured since I was not functional at work for the past couple of weeks, I needed some help and went php, which depends on the person and the severity of the problem. Even in group therapy I would space out and have no idea what we were talking about. I did have my meds adjusted and that seems to have helped so far because I finally feel like I'm "present" instead of in lala land somewhere.

[wiretwister]

I have dropped my lamitcal back from 300 were you are and I do feel my "life" is slowly coming back ....

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I wanted to quick add that I don't feel I'm over medicated. I take 300mg of lamictal, 1,200mg of gabapentin and only 200mg of seroquel.

600 mg of gabapentin at night makes me feel like that

I've heard of neurontin being called 'morontin' because of the brain fog. I was feeling a little slow on the uptake and stopped taking it so much. It seems to have helped.

[cashart10]

I understand. I really do. I'm there with you right now. I feel like I've fallen into depression though...or as my mom said "you're probably just about to start." Humbug. Anyway, all my love to you my friend. You really do cheer me up and give me positive affirmations and I appreciate you for you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Also, I have no idea why as this is actually a love song, but for some reason, your post reminds me of this song so I thought I'd share:

Swan Dive - Ani Difranco

PS: you'll have to listen to the entire song to understand why I'm saying this as many of the metaphors fit but many do not.

[michbear]

hang in there i get like that sometimes

[raspberrytorte]

After reading everyones comments, I've decided that maybe I am in some sort of anti convulsant overload right now, so I've started cutting back. I took 225mg lamictal last night and am skipping my night gabapentin dose. Maybe it'll help. Don't know.

[Unrigged64072835]

I feel that way too right now. The weather's changed, though, so that may be slowing me down.

Hope what you're doing works.