[BNLsMOM]

I am seeing a new T tomorrow and I am nervous. I know it is an intake appointment, but I have so much I want to accomplish and need help with.

I spent the last two years feeling pretty stable even though I went through some crappy stuff. In the last month, I feel my hold on stability slipping. It seems to follow my monthly cycles the last couple of months, but it gets BAD.

I have decided to get a new T because the one I have been with for almost 7 years has started treating my ex husband as a client. I am not comfortable with this because of the fact that my ex threatened to take custody of our son when we divorced and my T said that he would couch for me in court if it ever came to it. My ex gave up the idea when I pulled out all the stops and said that I had proof of what he had done and that no judge would give a child to someone with his values. Not to mention, he didn't want to spend the money and having a full time kid would cramp his style... I digress.

As I have felt myself getting sick again, I have kept it a secret from everyone, including my T. I know he is bound by confidentiality to not tell my ex what I say, but I know that he reveals vague things (because he has revealed vague things about my ex to me). Now that he treats my ex, he can no longer vouch for me if I need him to. I am also not getting anywhere in therapy because I am too concerned about not revealing too much that my ex might learn.

So, new therapist... Anyway I am afraid because of some of the thoughts I have had in the last month.

What is the difference between suicidal thoughts and ideations and actually being suicidal? I am confused...
A couple of weeks ago, I was so ready to die that I was searching for things I could hang a rope from. I was mad because I didn't have anything that wouldn't break under my weight if I tried, nor did I have a rope of any sort. However, those were the thoughts running through my head. I wished with all my heart that I would just die in my sleep, not wake up.. But at the same time, I know that it would ruin my kids' lives because they would each end up having to live with their fathers and would likely never see each other again. I don't have anything of value to leave them, nor do I have any legal arrangements regarding their custody or care if I were to pass. Sometimes, I think to myself that once they are grown up and established that I can die at that point. Sometimes if it gets bad, I count the years until I can let go and die.

So, I mean, I don't have thought out, organized steps to take and I can talk myself out of it by using the logic that my kids won't be taken care of... so am I suicidal or am I just having thoughts?

The other thing is that the depression/anxiety is taking over my life... I get the kids to school. I smile and wave when I see the other moms. I stop and talk to them when I pick up my youngest, I am committed to helping with the PTO, I have my own business (or so I say... I avoid the work it takes to be successful because I know that I am going to screw it up. When I get a lead, I purposely screw it up so that I can get out of it. I will probably end up quitting soon if I don't get help). People think I am fine, but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to hide in my house and get more sleep. I cancel business appointments and when I have physical ailments that other people just power through and I use them as an excuse to stay home and be alone. I am failing at life. I can see the writing on the wall. I am going to lose my home. There is no way I can sustain this once my kids get older and I begin to lose their disability and child support payments. I am living on borrowed time. I know what I need to do. I need to work and make money, but I can't bring myself to actually do it.

Sorry for the rant... I am just afraid that my new T will hospitalize me or try to make me get on meds again. If I go to the hospital, that is a guarantee that my ex husbands will open custody suits. I just had a huge fight with my first ex who wanted my oldest son to live with him because he was being a typical teenager and complaining about the few chores I make him do. He made a big deal out of it and said that he was doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his brother, when really, I ask him to clean up the kitchen dishes after dinner (that I cook) take out the trash once a week and babysit his brother for short periods of time. I was able to convince my ex of the truth... he was saying that because I was sick a few years ago that I am not a good mother. If I end up in the hospital, that would be his cue to file a custody suit in court.

[Skeezyks]

Hello BNLsMOM: I'm so sorry you are struggling. I hope that, in some way, you can begin to find your way toward healing. I can't really offer much with regard to your pending appointment with your new therapist. I do think it was important for you to find a new one. Seeing the same T as your ex is a prescription for trouble it seems to me. As far as your appointment tomorrow goes, if it were me, I think I would just let the therapist guide the discussion & not try to delve into things too deeply. But that's just me. I tend to be cautious to a fault... sometimes to my detriment. I do not advocate that approach for you.

I wanted to address your question regarding suicide. I will tell you that I have ongoing suicidal thoughts on a daily... sometimes hourly basis. They never stop. And I have been to that dark place more than once. And I have also spent time thinking about how I could accomplish the task in the future.

From my perspective, it is possible to have suicidal thoughts / ideation... to be "passively suicidal" without actually being in danger. However, it is a fine line... one that is constantly shifting. And there's no way to objectively determine how close one is to that line at any given moment. What has happened with me previously is that unexpectedly something has happened that has suddenly pushed me over the edge. I didn't see it coming, although in retrospect I think I could see how it had been developing. It wasn't even necessarily a specific event that triggered it. I simply reached a point where I said to myself: "I can't stand this for another minute. I'm done..." And that was it.

I guess my answer to your question is that there is no hard-&-fast differentiation that can be made between passive suicidality & being actively suicidal & a danger to oneself. But the danger is that it is just one small step, over a continuously shifting line, from passive suicidality to active. So, from that standpoint, I would really urge you to reach out to someone, in real life, with regard to the thoughts you are having. If there is simply no one in your life you feel safe talking with at the moment, consider calling a suicide prevention hotline. The other thing that might be helpful would be if you could find a support group you could join. It might not even be mental health related. It might be a support group for single moms, or something else. Just having others you can meet with & talk to about shared struggles might be very helpful. You might find that you don't even need to bring up the concern regarding suicidality. You could perhaps reduce the pressure enough that your suicidal thoughts will dissolve on their own. I do think that having suicidal feelings is sort-of like a pressure that is building up within a closed system. If you allow the pressure to keep building up, eventually a blow-out will occur at the system's weakest point. However, if there is a release valve built into the system, then the pressure cannot build up to a degree where it threatens to blow the system. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I send warm wishes your way with the hope that you will be able to find that center of deep peace that resides within each of us.

[BNLsMOM]

Thank you for such a thoughtful answer. As I await my appointment I can look back and see that I am not well. I can't figure things out and I am just not happy. I hope this new t can help me.

I am trying to decide if I am going to walk in and feed him the diagnosis or if I am going to ask him to investigate and help me figure out what the truth is.

I hate the bipolar label. It automatically colors people's opinions. I remember I went to the ER once a couple of months ago for abdominal and chest pain. I probably didn't even need to go but I went to an urgent care clinic and their machines were down so they sent me to the ER in case it was serious.

The doctor at the ER was very kind, but it was in my record that I have bipolar. I happened to hear his dictation because I was near the central desk. He began with "41 year old bipolar female presents with..." Now, whatt the heck does having bipolar have to do with abdominal pain?

At that moment, I realized that everything I do, anywhere I go for help, people are looking at me through the screen of whether or not I am in an episode. I hate that.

[Skeezyks]

OMG, BNLsMOM! That has to be SO discouraging! I don't know what would be in my medical record. I presume there is something since I've been involuntarily committed to psychiatric wards twice in the past. However, at the same time, none of the pdoc's or therapists I've ever seen have ever actually given me a formal diagnosis. I think they just presume that it is depression & anxiety, although I'm not sure that is accurate. In some ways, I've kind-of felt cheated by not having been given a formal diagnosis. But, then, on the other hand sometimes I think maybe it's a good thing. That way there's no "peg" medical & mental health professionals can hang their hats on, so to speak.

Good luck with your new T!

[Victoria'smom]

How did it go ?

[BNLsMOM]

I was nervous, shaky and teary eyed but I got a good vibe from him. I feel like he knows what he is doing. It will take me a while to loosen up, but I like that he asked me a lot of questions and took me seriously.