What the what happened??

I am really struggling to understand why life is so hard now that I have been diagnosed Bipolar II. I had a breakdown back in June and that is when I first received the diagnosis. I can recognize that this is something I have had my whole life, but nothing was official until this year.

The part I struggle with is that I had many depressive and manic episodes throughout my life. I just never recognized it as Bipolar and I never sought treatment because, well, it was sort of manageable. It's not to say life wasn't hard and that some treatment wouldn't have been helpful, but I got through it because I thought it was "normal".

It seems it has gotten worse this last four years, ending up with a partial hospitalization this past June, but before that it was status quo.

So why is it so much worse now? I have never been so depressed in my life where I feel like I got hit by a truck everyday and literally cannot function, where I'm praying my pdoc gives me some klonopin just to manage my anxiety. (She did...thank god!) But I never felt so sick in my life.

Does it get worse with age? Has anyone experienced worsening symptoms as they get older? I'm really having a hard time accepting that my life is a shell compared to what it used to be, especially since I was quite functionally Bipolar for many years.

Hello Amy Today: Oh yes, I recognize this pattern! I'm a senior citizen now. I managed to limp along independently for a half century (literally.) It often wasn't pretty. But I managed to keep my nose above water, so to speak. I never sought help. For one thing I was too embarrassed. (When & where I grew up, the worst thing that one could have would have been a mental illness! I've often said that my parents would have better understood me going to jail than being committed to a hospital psych ward.) But also, for many years, there simply were not the mental health services available there are today. Not that it would have made any difference. In addition to being embarrassed, I was also too stubborn & probably egotistical too.

Beginning at around age 50 or so, things began to unravel. And they've continued to unravel, albeit slowly, up through recent times. Over the past few months or a year perhaps, I seem to have more-or-less regained my balance. Although I also know that it is a delicate balance. It wouldn't take much to sink it again. To a large extent, it is anchored in the solitary lifestyle I lead. I do definitely believe that mental health symptoms can worsen with age. I don't know if this happens with everyone. But it certainly has for me. I guess it's like a dam holding back a reservoir. The older the dam gets, the harder it is for it to hold back the water & the more likely it is that it will rupture. At least that's the way I've experienced it. As I got older, it just became increasingly difficult to contain all of the anxiety & depression that I had carried around for so many years.

I do also think that experiences such as being hospitalized & put on psych med's also can contribute to feeling less in control. It really brings home to you, in a very real & concrete way, that you are a person who has a mental illness. Even if you don't share that information with anyone, you know it & it changes your perception of yourself. It has me... I wish you well...

I have to agree, I'm not sure how I managed before but there was definitely an unraveling in the last few years up to diagnosis this year... I've been inpatient twice an to be quite honest still in denial. It's hard. Hugs

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My illness has definitely gotten worse as I've aged. It's under decent control now, but from ages 52-56 it was awful. Now I'm on a good combination of meds and have been stable for 10 months. (My pdoc calls it a "partial remission", but I think it's as good as it will ever be.) I do think I'll struggle with it for the rest of my days, but I've become much more self-aware and can catch things sooner before they blow up out of control.

Yes.....I was diagnosed later in life, too.....and that's because everything got so much worse.....I literally crashed into a jillion pieces......been putting them back together for a year and a half now.

I read that untreated, bp gets worse and causes more lasting damage. It's a shame so many of us limped along untreated for so many years.....

For women, I wonder if premenopausal/menopause hormonal changes have something to do with the worsening of symptoms. What do you think ladies?

I definitely think there is some sort of connection.....at the very least, two separate and distinct "screaming trains" colliding!

I am sorry you are struggling and having such a hard time. It is very difficult to be so depressed and there is a sense of grieving the "old life" we used to have before the BP was diagnosed.

I, too, was diagnosed a little later in life - in my early 40's - but looking back I had the symptoms since teenage years. I think there are studies that suggest the longer you go without treatment and the later in life it is diagnosed the worse the BP may become.

For me, the stress of trying to maintain work/life balance and having 4 children definitely increased my stress/anxiety, and depression. That, coupled now with peri-menopause all creates the perfect storm so to speak that brings out the BP even more than in younger years.

So, in short, yes for me bipolar has gotten worse as I have gotten older. I have been hospitalized four times since I was 40 and I am now 48. I am medication resistent and have had ECT without success ( and it left me with cognitive and memory loss). I am now on disability.

I understand the feeling of being a "shell" of my former self. But, I am trying to be optimistic and trying to make the best of this situation. I will not stop trying- going to pdoc and t appointments. I lost my sister to BP and that is not a path I will ever take.

I wish you well; I know firsthand how bad the depression and anxiety can be. I hope you find a medication cocktail that will stabilize you. I also assume you are seeing a therapist?

Take care,

Mom2trips+1

BP, mixed with rapid cycling; PTSD
Wellbutrin, zoloft, abilify, xanax, namenda
ECT 2015

I think part of it may be that as you get older there are new/different life stressors.

It did for me. I was managing with the depression and hypomania until menopause hit. Then everything crashed and I've been trying to piece things together since then.

I'm only 28 but the bipolar suddenly worsened about three years ago. That was when I had my first full blown manic episode as well as my first psychotic break. No fun.

Your story is a very familiar one.

I was diagnosed in my early 40's and the last 2-3 years have been the easiest. I have a good therapist and my meds are all good! It took some tweaking, but it's good now...

I think hormones affect BP very, very badly. I managed until I had surgery to remove a uterine fibroid that was rubbing up against an ovary. At the same time I was also diagnosed with adenomyosis, which is similar to endometriosis. Shortly after that I became suicidal and totally spiraled. My hormones were definitely out of whack. Between the adenomyosis, fibromyalgia and my mental illnesses I feel like I'm being run over by a truck for a week out of every month.

Thank you everyone for all of the feedback! It seems that it is common for Bipolar to get worse as we age. I hadn't thought about the menopause/perimenopause before, but that makes a lot of sense to me. I've been having perimenopausal symptoms for about 5 or 6 years now. One of those symptoms is that I get hypomanic the week before my period. Then depressed the week of my period. And that timeline of 5 to 6 years coincides with my worsening symptoms, which has been the last 4 years or so.

Thank you everyone for responding! You all have bring a great deal of experience and good advice!

Amy are you on meds?
Hormones definitely trigger me. Always thought I had PMDD.
I think it was just my raging hormones affecting my BP.

Lithium is chilling me out.

Yes, this disease is extremely difficult to manage. For me, avoiding mania has been most difficult because it feels so good to vibrate like that and be so brilliant.

I just went through a very long, very severe manic cycle. I ran up tremendous amounts of debt and lost my job because of a fist fight while on business travel. I'm in a deep depression right now, just trying to stay positive and help others to understand and cope with this disease.

I had to deal with the hormones too. I had PMDD

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Hormones play a really big part in everything. My BP onset was after having a hysterectomy (age 36). After surgery my moods started. I started having crying spells, depression weeks then I was misdiagnosed and put on a wrong med (AD). I went manic and got fired at work. I was correctly diagnosed at the age of 37. Mania caused me hell. I've went through mixed episodes and been to the hospital three times. Plus three other times on 23 hr holds. I do take meds and only see a doc no therapist (I use to see one). I'm pretty stable but I take it easy....try to avoid too much stress.

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