[Edgar's Mom]

By the time I got out of the hospital last week I felt relaxed and was looking forward to life again. I wanted to do my art and photography for the first time in several months (maybe over a year).

Then with thoughts of getting back into those things, I started to put pressure on myself to pick up my responsibilities in life (housework, meals etc) so that I could have time to do some art. Then the anxiety started to build, and build and build.

It started off as an excited, motivated energy, but as the days wore on it began to shift to a more negative, agitated energy. My concentration dropped and I can barely hold thoughts or finish sentences with all that is whirling around in there. I feel like my head is full of racing hamsters on wheels, all running in a blind panic.

I know I need to get organized, but cannot keep thoughts in my head or feel grounded. I can hardly breath and keep taking gasping breaths as well as bouncing my leg, tapping my foot etc. I can't seem to stop moving.

Tonight I felt panicked and felt like I had to kill myself. I was fighting the very powerful urge to self harm. I was just barely keeping myself from hitting myself or worse. I felt hopeless (still do).

I NEVER self medicate (very compliant and don't do things without doc's okay) but I did tonight. I don't have PRN's but tonight I dug through the cupboard and found a couple of 25mg Seroquel that were left over from before I switched to XR's. And I found an Ativan that my hubby had been prescribed for sleep. I took both and even desperately thought of alcohol, which I avoid because it can make me volatile. I have Zyprexa as a PRN from my previous doctor but I didn't take that. It knocks me out flat for a good 24 hours and I'm very depressed when it wears off. I only take it when I'm actually breaking things or about to self harm, and I'm not even sure if my current pdoc would want me to take it.

The thought of having to go out and interact with people makes me feel panicky. I have a horse that I have to go see and having to deal with the people associated with him is overwhelming right now. I want so badly to avoid people that I"m thinking of sending my horse to retire with a friend on the other side of the country. Just so I can stay in my house and not have to go talk to or deal with those people. The thought of doing so makes me feel panic and distress. Then thoughts of suicide. Not because I want to die. Not at all. Just as a means of escape.

My pdoc described my depression as refractory. After three weeks in the hospital, I started to relax and it started to lift. Then I get out and anxiety sets in. Depression returns full force. This is the first time I've noticed this close relationship. It seems like my anxiety causes depression.

THe thing that's weird is that I'm a super social person. But times like now I want to avoid everyone and the thought of going out of my house or interacting with anyone fills me with panic and dread.

I have to talk to my pdoc about this but I don't want to go on benzos or have heaps of meds piled on. I'm going to try to find someone who does CBT tomorrow. And I'm thinking of simplifying my life further so that I never have to leave my house. If I send my horse away, I won't have to leave or talk to anyone until I feel up to it. He is the main thing that forces me into contact with other people.

I was feeling pretty badly at the start of this post, but I see a bright side. Articulating this has given me new insight, so hopefully I can address this and move past it.

Lisa

[wildflowerchild25]

It's hard to come out of the hospital. Especially if you're not feeling 100%. I always think it's best to ease back into life - though that's not what I do at all. What is your aftercare like? I always do a partial or IOP program to help the transition. Any chance of that?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How are you doing this evening? It sounds like you had a really bad night. I hope you got some good rest and feel calmer today.

I agree that leaving the hospital is always overwhelming. I'm always surprised at how tired I am for the first week or so.

One thing at a time, no matter how hard that is......

Did you find a therapist?

So sorry you are going through this. I hope you can contact your doctor soon and find some relief.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Check back in soon and let us know how you're doing, OK?

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

It's hard to come out of the hospital. Especially if you're not feeling 100%. I always think it's best to ease back into life - though that's not what I do at all. What is your aftercare like? I always do a partial or IOP program to help the transition. Any chance of that?

I don't have any aftercare yet... I'm told that I might have access to some groups, but I don't know if I'm considered a patient of the mental health services at the hospital. I did get lots of passes in the end, so I suppose that is like IOP in that I stayed overnight at home a few times and had a weekend out.

This was my first hospitalization in over 20 years so I wasn't sure what to expect... It makes sense to ease back into life and that is the opposite of what I did :-/ I tried to catch up on all I missed and put pressure on myself to catch up on months of stuff I let slip before that.

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

How are you doing this evening? It sounds like you had a really bad night. I hope you got some good rest and feel calmer today.

I agree that leaving the hospital is always overwhelming. I'm always surprised at how tired I am for the first week or so.

One thing at a time, no matter how hard that is......

Did you find a therapist?

Thank you Rainbow :-) I put out some calls and am waiting to hear back from four of them tomorrow. I finally fell into a drugged sleep and had stress dreams that I was IP again. And it was very difficult to wake up.

I still feel panicky and I will know next time to go more slowly when I get out. I probably did the worst thing I could and thought that since I felt better I should be able to jump back in running and catch up on the months of slacking I did in my depression before that.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. I might have a good cry when I go to bed. I feel very teary right now :-(

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by mrsjoggers

So sorry you are going through this. I hope you can contact your doctor soon and find some relief.

Thank you... my hubby called my pdoc and I go to see him on Friday.

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Check back in soon and let us know how you're doing, OK?

Still hanging in but still feeling pretty crummy. Thank you... I appreciate your concern :-)

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I hope you got your good cry and a good rest too. I'm sorry it is so hard.

[Unrigged64072835]

Yeah, it's always tempting to try and jump back into everything when what you really need to do is rest and recover. Hopefully you're able to slow back down a bit and take really good care of yourself.

[Wander]

Hope you feel better soon and your pdoc and possible new T are helpful. Xx

How are you feeling now?

[Edgar's Mom]

I want to thank everyone on this thread....your support means a lot to me.

I'm less anxious but feel very driven these past few days and feel like my energy is on the upswing while I still have a negative dreads are feeling that feels like depression. It's that's heavy weight, but I'm very focused on tasks and feel a lot like drawing.

I'm wondering if the anxiety those two days was hormonal as I got my cycle and it dropped immediately. I also wonder how much peri menopause might have to do with the fact that this depression has been unrelenting.

Another thing I wondered about is my diet. I'm vegan, but a poor planner with meals and probably don't get enough omega 3's. I bought a supplement tonight and will take those for a while to see if they help.

I wondered about black cohosh for menopause and they had an anti anxiety one to but thought I should ask my pdoc about those first as some herbs can be pretty potent. Also I'm very sensitive... I got heart palpitations from licorice tea.

I did find a therapist.... She does SRT (self regulation therapy). It sounds interesting, and she sounds lovely.

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