Scared

I am afraid because I had convinced myself and everyone around me that I had won the fight against this disease. I am slowly realizing that I was having a prolonged period of stability and I never made a plan as to what to do if it wavered. Even my p-nurse said she didn't need to see me anymore. That was over a year ago.

I feel I am destabilizing now and I am in a position where I can't afford to be getting sick again. I need to get a good paying, steady job. I live alone with my children so I can't afford to be hospitalized again because the ex husbands will start custody talk again. They were ready to take the boys, which would separate them forever since there are two different dads. They don't live near each other and I don't think they would be motivated to keep the boys together. Also, I depend on their child support and if they were to take the kids I would lose my home as the child support is over half my income. I would have to pay them child support from my bed at a homeless shelter.

I am holding on so tightly, but I feel my mental state slipping and I don't know how much longer I can go on. Can I make it 14 years more until my youngest is on his own? Doubtful.

So my thoughts turn to death. I have to either witness my life falling apart and losing my kids, or make arrangements for it to happen after my death and therefore not have to live through that pain.

I can't bear to admit to anyone that I didn't win, that this disease still has a hold on my mind. I can't bear to see the looks of pity and disappointment in my parents' eyes. I can't bear the weight of being such a disappointment and failure to them.

So right now, I am living with my relapse as a secret and I have not fully surrendered to the relapse. It is coming... Do I try to treat it or do I try to keep it a secret?

I don't get manic. I just get either very depressed or very mixed. Can I just deal with it in secret, or will my life seriously implode?

What do I do???

You need to contact a doctor as soon as possible. You don't want leave your boys with the stigma of suicide. That's not fair to them. Get the help you need before things get out of hand.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You have to treat it. Your life will seriously implode if you keep it a secret. I agree with gayleggg-- get the help you need before things get out of hand.

I think my T was hinting at that yesterday. He knows I fear medications based on my past experiences, but he was hinting that maybe CBT wouldn't be enough.

I am afraid the help will hurt me more and I will lose everything. Life is not worth much if I lose my boys or if they lose each other.

((((Hugs)))) Make an appointment with a pdoc as soon as possible and make a treatment plan.

It's entirely possible to treat this disease and still take care of children by yourself as well as hold a job. It's difficult but doable.

BNL, you have conveyed to us you feel yourself slipping. So for your children, yourself, ASAP call your doctor and get in to see them. Do not delay. tc

I wish I had faced my illness decades ago, instead of self blame that I wasn't being strong enough to overcome. Embrace your reality, and deal with it. This holding it at bay is only feeding it strength - YOUR strength.

The harder you stall, the harder you fall.

You can aggressively treat it outside of a hospital. Although more difficult many ppl do it and it's the way to keep custody intact. Don't think bad thoughts about losing your children...you can take care of this!! Believe in yourself
I am sending all sunshine lollipops and rainbows your way

I know what you mean about denial. When I'm stable I question it. When I am depressed or anxious I think I just have depression/anxiety. If I'm not going crazy or hypo/manic I question it
I have to make myself look back at those episodes and realize they are not a dream!

Seek help don't worry what your parents or others think. I agree with the other poster your boys need a mom who is fighting to get better, not giving up. As you have stated if you don't seek help the boys will be separated either way, this way you have hope.

Does it make sense that the treatment made my life worse than the disease did? I am so afraid. I have convinced everyone that I am OK and capable, and they're all waiting for the other shoe to drop. My ex husbands have threatened many many times that they think that when I am sick that I can't take care of the boys and that they will take them away! They hate me and want revenge.

Taking care of the boys is the only thing I am good at. Even when I am sick. Right now, I just need more money, but I haven't been able to keep a job. Ever. The longest I have ever worked is two years..

Can I get treatment in secret? I would do that.

Why wouldn't you be able to?


There's no law that says you need to announce your treatment plan to your family and friends.


I know how it feels to have meds do more harm than help, so my advice would be to attempt mono therapy first... A mood stabilizer, pick one, give it a shot and see if it brings any relief.


Because the risk with doing poly-pharmacology right off the nat, again is that you could have a terrible reaction, not know which meds is responsible and then probably be forced to tell whomever that you're back on meds.

Run, don't walk, to the next available appointment with a pdoc! Good Luck!

Maybe maybe maybe I will consider calling my old p nurse after Christmas after I have a conversation with my T next week. I want to see if I can figure things out and find out if he thinks he can help me.

Help is out there for you.you are not alone. Sometimes groups are super for that alone feeling. I tend to be rigid. Things don't have to be a certain way with all that weight on yr shoulders. U at least need some pampering and maybe trade time off w another mom.