Someone please talk some sense into me!

I quit seeing my therapist and my psychiatrist because I have convinced myself that I don't really have bipolar disorder or BPD. Like countless times before I have thrown out all of my medication and I have convinced myself that I can take care of myself. A part of me knows that this is wrong, but the other part of me, the part that is winning thinks to hell with treatment. I am feeling like I am just fine, just a little lost and I just need to grow up. I know that I have messed up in the past, but I feel like that is only because I am lazy and immature, and that if I just grow up already I will be fine. Maybe I should go IP? I feel like if I keep going this route I will lose everything that I have left which isn't much. But I just can't control myself. I feel like I am outside of my body and that I'm not really in control. I am just going through the motions.

I wanted to go IP weeks ago, but my family will make fun of me. The only support I have is my husband, but because of the BPD I need my family's approval and if they don't approve I won't go IP. I just want to disappear sometimes, because that would be so much easier. If only I had the balls to. I'm far too chicken and far too dependent to ever do anything that might actually benefit me. Anytime I try to go IP my mother guilt trips me by saying. "How could you leave your kids?" As if they didn't have a father. My head is just so full. I don't know what to do. I hate that I feel like this on Christmas Eve. Now I have to get up and slap a smile on so that nobody knows it's world war 3 in my head right now.

Can you call the 26 to get an appointment with T and pdoc?

I'm sorry you're struggling so on Christmas Eve. It is so common for us to "convince ourselves" that we don't have bipolar and don't need meds. I hope you can listen to the part of yourself that knows this is wrong, It sounds to me like you really do need to go IP. Mothers are notorious for laying on guilt trips, but in this case I think your mom is just flat wrong. Please don't worry that your family will make fun of you. I'm glad you have the support of your husband and that's what you should rely on. Does he think you should go IP? You say because of the BPD you need their approval to go IP. Is that just how you feel? You're a married adult, and you don't understand how you would need your family's permission. You have to do what is best for you and I think you know what that is, or you wouldn't have posted, and you especially wouldn't have given the post the title you did. I'm sending you good energy and hoping you can get to a better place soon.

Maybe it is time to try to be something different? Being dependent is much harder than being independent. Perhaps it is time to take a little step and get the help that you are saying you know you need?

I'm not sure that you qualify for IP from what I'm reading; usually you have to be a danger to yourself or others unless you are direct admitted for a specific med change or something. But you do need to reach out to a pdoc and therapist as soon as you can because you do sound like you need help. I thought you liked this new therapist? Can you try to get back in with her?

From things you've said in other posts it also sounds like you would benefit from having some kind of case manager who might be able to help you with housing and some of your life circumstances (unless I'm mixing you up with someone else). I don't know how to get one of those; I think through community mental health?

Lorrietorrie I feel like I could have written this not long ago. Hang in there.

I agree with the case manager suggestion. They will help you when you are in those spots where you're having trouble getting proper care, negotiating family situations, insurance stuff, and will generally be there to advocate for you when you aren't in a place to advocate for yourself.

I was able to talk with my pdoc this morning. He wants to start me on Lamictal, but I'm afraid after Googling the side effects.

I do like this therapist, I think I'm just having a low moment. I'm trying my best to stay positive and stick to treatment, but my emotions tend to get the best of me. I know that in order to really improve I have to step out of my comfort zone. I guess I'm just afraid.

I wanted to add that I'm starting a new program in January, so I will be sure to utilize the case manager. I want to get better, but I feel like I'm fighting myself.