Rapid Cycling

Imah · Dec 24, 2015, 11:11 PM

How hard is it to have a simple conversation with my son on having him stop by for a Christmas homemade snacks bag? I am hating normal people right now. That have NO IDEA how hard a simple thing can become. This FB conversation just took place today:

Son, I need to know the day before you are coming to prepare myself mentally for the change.
unless it is JUST YOU stopping to pick the stuff up, then I am fine.
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I am entering the RAGE stage, and have an extremly difficult time making my face have proper emotions.
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sorry to be a pain.
my face is fine now, I guess the rage passed.
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ya, I think it did pass. Cool for me!

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ya, stop by on your way to work and grab the bag, after that it won't matter if or when. do you drive by here?
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15 minutes ago I would have said I would have been angry for a week. I felt so mad (at nothing mind you) that if I could I would crush my house in 1 hand. Now, I feel fine, even a little happy - this means I am rapid cycling. :/
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****! getting mad again. Definite rapid cycling. it could last days or hours.

Imah · Dec 24, 2015, 11:22 PM

Well, I have ZERO answers for when he or they will stop by to get the holiday goodies I made, but was nicely told that he is at work and is busy. For a normal person this all probably wouldn't even happen, but for me - its a big friggin deal. Just another example of why I am a total waste of skin and a burden on the world. We should just all go back to caveman days when only the strong survive and they can kill and eat people like me (tastes good with radish). Don't placate me with uplifting trivia - all you icing people are pissing me off today. This thread can be for eveyone who wants a good holiday biatch free for all.

bbTofu · Dec 24, 2015, 11:49 PM

I can feel how stressful things may be for you at this time and perhaps you wish your son could at least reply to help you with that anxiety. Do you think if son answered you earlier, it'd have calmed you down?
Does sharing your mental state when rage occurs, help?

Imah · Dec 25, 2015, 12:31 AM

Yes, if my son had told me 4 days ago which day he would come over it would help. (That was the first time I asked). Did this help? Well, I believe the bad information about this illness does help others - so I tend to try to share when I am negative. I also share when I read other peoples posts the low points in my life. I feel like I need have no secrets with you all because I don't want anyone to make the poor choices I did. (by refusing treatment for decades).

Imah · Dec 25, 2015, 12:48 AM

Also - at the time I wrote that I was in a Rage, and keeping it down quite well. But I was feeling that people who are really struggling with their emotions during the holiday have a harder time sharing because it is a time when people are expressing kindly. Sharing optimism and well wishes. I wanted the dark side, and those furrowed brow friends to feel safe to express in a thread.

Imah · 01:07 AM

And typing here helps me to stop typing to my Son. I get obsessive acting - somehow part of my bipolar, and I will bug and bug and bug and not be able to let something go. This gives me the illusion that I am doing something practical and helpful to myself, even though I am not.

I haven't written him back yet, and won't let myself. But I can tell I am in that mood where I will think of nothing else for hours - stay up ridiculously late obsessing over it, trying to stay busy. He has no idea how him stopping by with his wife and kids has been on my mind for weeks. I have made food over and over for this little visit, and for the past few days I thought about it, rehearsed how it would go - create and rejected ideas for it, getting all worked up about it.

I really want to open the door 6 inches, shove out the bag and scream "go away" and be done with this yearly perfunctory ritual. I feel trapped by tradition. Angry at myself because I am handling the whole thing more weirdly then last year. On one hand, I was better prepared, and on the other - his not just saying what day they will stop by is causing huge anxiety and triggering episodes.

Normal people would be like, "No problem, see you when I see you". And me, I want to just scream "JUST TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE COMING". They KNOW I am a recovering agoraphobic, but its all about what I have done wrong, and not about accommodating my illnesses. I get it, they both have jobs and 3 kids. Me, I stay at home and live off the government - I don't need respect. This judgementalness comes from the child I raised to not respect me when I don't act like a good mother should.

So take my advice, people with illnesses who are raising children. Don't ignore your illness. As well as you think you are doing, you may be actually being effected by your illness and not know it at the time. Do your best, and explain your illness to them but don't tell them bad things about yourself and cut yourself down. There are probably books about how to talk to children about it.

wiretwister · Dec 25, 2015, 01:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imah

So take my advice, people with illnesses who are raising children. Don't ignore your illness. As well as you think you are doing, you may be actually being effected by your illness and not know it at the time. Do your best, and explain your illness to them but don't tell them bad things about yourself and cut yourself down. There are probably books about how to talk to children about it.

kind and wise words ... Ty ...

Imah · Dec 25, 2015, 02:59 AM

What a wonderful world. I am happy, and everything is beautiful and magical.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!

bipolardigest · Dec 25, 2015, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imah

What a wonderful world. I am happy, and everything is beautiful and magical.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!

Hi,

It's good you expressed to him what was going on through your mind. I think that helped because it didn't get bottled up inside. Let me ask you: How come you didn't call him? Maybe you could have expressed better by calling him instead of the FB conversation. This was you'll get an answer right away instead of waiting around which triggered your rage...right?

Imah · Dec 25, 2015, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bipolardigest

Hi,

It's good you expressed to him what was going on through your mind. I think that helped because it didn't get bottled up inside. Let me ask you: How come you didn't call him? Maybe you could have expressed better by calling him instead of the FB conversation. This was you'll get an answer right away instead of waiting around which triggered your rage...right?

FB is how we communicate. For us its common. He would still have to find out from his wife what day they would come by. Yes, not knowing is what caused the response. Rapid Cycling is only my fault. The turmoil of not knowing got caught up in that. I still don't know. Haven't known when for over a week. Today I am fine and handling it with no problem. I do hope they don't just show up, and respect my clearly typed sentence," Please give me one day notice before you stop by so I can get mentally prepared". I don't expect it thought, last year I didn't get a notice either (ugh they are in the driveway now)