[scatterbrained04]

Does anyone else feel ashamed of being a mess?

I find myself wanting to apologize for being sick. So much so I want to cry. I really can't take this anymore.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

All the time. I feel so guilty for "bugging" my pdoc with my need for meds to sleep and with the minor need to admit me. I feel like the biggest pain on earth. I feel like my therapist has to want to quit because this year has been so hard and I've not been exactly easy or even compliant sometimes. And my mom I can't imagine what she feels like with a 40 year old parasite living next door. I apologize a lot.

[raspberrytorte]

Yes I do.

Though maybe a bit more guilty and embarassed.

Like my husband changed his entire work schedule around so he could be with me at night and now he can't do the special outting he has with our daughter on sundays. I feel really bad about that.

[scatterbrained04]

I feel incredibly bad tonight. I feel jittery, depressed, impulsive, just a ton of inner turmoil. Almost mixed? I'm dreading my boyfriend calling me when he gets home. I don't want him to see or hear me like this. I've contemplated ignoring him, but that's not good either. I don't know what to do.

[gina_re]

When going through an acute episode, definitely. Like now I'm so needy and I know no one can fulfill that so I go off the deep end. The doctor appointments, the hospital visits, therapy, medication adjustments it's overwhelming and I feel bad, especially at work. I'm usually the happy go lucky talkative social employee. But lately I've been so upset I just go to work and do what I need to do. No more socializing, and it's so obvious since it's so opposite of how I usually am. It's embarrassing. How can they understand why I can talk some days and want to be left alone the others? I know that I don't have to explain myself, but it's still awkward.

[LorrieTorrie]

I feel ashamed and like a complete waste of space. Some days I don't even know why I bother...

I do feel ashamed. Most of my shame comes from all that I did while manic. I hurt everyone that I love most. Even though they have all forgiven me, I can't seem to forgive myself.

[B2008]

I'm ashamed that my hard working husband comes home not knowing of his wife will be loving or have attitude. I'm ashamed that I can love someone so much yet let him come home to a dirty house and no supper on table. I'm ashamed I have to remind myself to smile and laugh so my family will feel better. Most of the time I'm ashamed of being me.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by B2008

I'm ashamed that my hard working husband comes home not knowing of his wife will be loving or have attitude. I'm ashamed that I can love someone so much yet let him come home to a dirty house and no supper on table. I'm ashamed I have to remind myself to smile and laugh so my family will feel better. Most of the time I'm ashamed of being me.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

I appreciate this as I share your sentiments. The guilt overwhelms me at times.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Originally Posted by marylandmomma

I do feel ashamed. Most of my shame comes from all that I did while manic. I hurt everyone that I love most. Even though they have all forgiven me, I can't seem to forgive myself.

Ditto.

[Row Jimmy]

I used to feel ashamed but now I know this isn't really my fault. Shame is driven by a societal stigma that we cannot control. Having a diagnosis is freedom - freedom from hiding it, freedom from confusion, freedom from shame. True, there are things that I still *own* and need to change but I negotiate that with myself. I can't blame the world for my problems, I can't smash things in my house, I can't make everyone around me miserable. I try not to make excuses and allow the BP to overtake me. But if we can find a comfortable place, we can find peace.

[furiousfever]

Good, bad, manic , depressed, I feel like a monster. Like a pathetic waste of space. I spend a ton of time pretending to feel nothing so i don't impact my partner. It compounds everything.
It also makes me not believe my own diagnosis. Shame. Woof

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Takeshi]

You guys have tried therapy and I don't know what else, like RJ said, we do have the freedom to change the attitude towards the problems that we face because of you know what.

Are we really helping each other? That's what we each should ask when posting, right? What can we do to manage that? That's what I'd like to know. Unless I have to manage what's going on in my life, I will do something that would shame me big time.

Let's try Introspection!

Edit: I am dead serious, I just watched a video where his wife killed herself, leaving her two kids and the husband in the vid. We understand you. Let's work on the steps that we can take, shall we?

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by B2008

I'm ashamed that my hard working husband comes home not knowing of his wife will be loving or have attitude. I'm ashamed that I can love someone so much yet let him come home to a dirty house and no supper on table. I'm ashamed I have to remind myself to smile and laugh so my family will feel better. Most of the time I'm ashamed of being me.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

I feel this way too. I'm not married, but I feel bad for my son. There are nights I don't cook dinner (though he always eats) and my house is a disaster. There are a lot of days I don't want to interact with him. I have to force myself to. Then I feel ashamed of feeling bad when it comes to my boyfriend.

[baseline]

This is exactly how I feel. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I feel that if I can't be useful than I am worthless. I hide from family and friends when I am sad or anxious. I don't want my children to be afraid or worry about me. I am the go to person for many if I fall apart what will happen to them?? I feel ashamed to call T when I am having hurtful thoughts. I wait till I'm really sick before I call my doctor. I feel ashamed to ask my husband to take time to hold me. I don't want to be needy or a bother. I worry that my colleagues will find out about this side of me. I was taught to hide feelings of sadness and anxiety. I know its not right or good bUT I still do.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Burden is the exact word I would use too. I rely on my mom so much and the one thing that I could do was pay her rent. But then my hospital bills went up and I have a big bill from the vet and need to save up money for some dental work and so now I have to pay a reducted amount instead of the super low rent. It makes me feel about __ big even though she's been nice about it. I need help to keep my house clean. I can't cook right now so she feeds me (which is the only way I could afford most food anyway). It scares me that when she is gone my sister will feel obligated to take care of me and I don't want that at all.

[B2008]

I have yet to see a therapist or psychiatrist. But just knowing there are other people out there that have the same issues makes this journey a whole lot easier. In my daily life I do try to be positive and laugh and joke and take care of my family. It just doesn't come easy anymore as I see my mental instability progressing. The loneliness of being the only bp in my home is painful at times because though my family loves supports and never gives me a negative word they don't understand and I can't always explain. I know this journey is different for all of us and some do need suggestions to make it easier, but for me it's comforting to know after all these years of being so alone and no one truly understanding, I have found a place where there are others that understand and share similarities.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[krinkle1973]

I'm definitely ashamed. I'm surprised there are still a few people who love me

[Mountainbard]

I see so many people here who feel ashamed or guilty for having bipolar-- and many other conditions, for that matter-- and it breaks my heart. I think a lot of that comes from the still-widespread social stigma about mental illness, and family attitudes. I was raised in a family that viewed mental illness as a character flaw-- and as a result I denied having a problem for many years. I don't feel shame or guilt though. I do feel a lot of sadness for what bipolar has cost me in my life, but then I remind myself how fortunate I am to be stable and moving on.