Because everything ends

cashart10 · Jan 16, 2016, 07:08 PM

Possible trigger:

Because life ends, period. Because kids will lose their parents eventually, and they will be traumatized. I love my babies so much it hurts. They keep me here. But, we die. We move on. Such is life. I feel like the 1950's...knee high socks and ashtrays...the green frosted glass ones. But, I wasn't born until the early 80's. I missed the 50's. I know that I will die. Why do I have to live so miserably? I wish to die. I wish that wishing to die is enough. But not only is it not enough, it also feels sinful. Even King David wished to die and he did, eventually. And, his life, full of passion and pain, was carefully molded to us. I suppose you never know what you'll miss unless you are there to experience it.

I feel like WOE is me tonight. I sometimes wish I lack passion. I have so damn much of it. I wish I could give it away so I wouldn't feel every damn emotion so profoundly. I wish I could place my yearnings in a box and ship them distances from me. I wish I could pull the reminiscence of my past from my gut and stop living in fear and pain. I scream silently because noise only scares everyone around me. I have enough of that noise around my boot straps. I pull them up so tightly. I wish I could pull them off and throw them away. But instead I decorate them to look pretty, pretty like the smile on my face. No one ever really knows because everything ends.

Jan 16, 2016, 07:23 PM

Despite your pain, or perhaps because of it, you write beautifully and eloquently. Do you find it cathartic?

cashart10 · Jan 16, 2016, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Little Cat

Despite your pain, or perhaps because of it, you write beautifully and eloquently. Do you find it cathartic?

Thank you. I do find it somewhat cathartic, a release if nothing else.

BeyondtheRainbow · Jan 16, 2016, 07:38 PM

One of my friends very often reminded me until I really knew it (and named my cat Elijiah as a reminder to myself) that Elijiah prayed to die and God didn't really even address that directly; he had him rest and eat and basically care for himself. The take home is supposed to be that it's ok to feel that way and that we're supposed to be gentle with ourselves when we do.

alincdytyourmeds · Jan 16, 2016, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

One of my friends very often reminded me until I really knew it (and named my cat Elijiah as a reminder to myself) that Elijiah prayed to die and God didn't really even address that directly; he had him rest and eat and basically care for himself. The take home is supposed to be that it's ok to feel that way and that we're supposed to be gentle with ourselves when we do.

This is awesome! My preacher once told me that when Jesus was sorrowful unto death, that it could have meant he was thinking about it also. Just remember there are good times to be had watching kids and grand kids grow up. keep fighting the fight.

cashart10 · Jan 16, 2016, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

One of my friends very often reminded me until I really knew it (and named my cat Elijiah as a reminder to myself) that Elijiah prayed to die and God didn't really even address that directly; he had him rest and eat and basically care for himself. The take home is supposed to be that it's ok to feel that way and that we're supposed to be gentle with ourselves when we do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alincdytyourmeds

This is awesome! My preacher once told me that when Jesus was sorrowful unto death, that it could have meant he was thinking about it also. Just remember there are good times to be had watching kids and grand kids grow up. keep fighting the fight.

Thank you both for your insight. It is helpful this evening!

Bonbon942 · Jan 16, 2016, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

Possible trigger:

Because life ends, period. Because kids will lose their parents eventually, and they will be traumatized. I love my babies so much it hurts. They keep me here. But, we die. We move on. Such is life. I feel like the 1950's...knee high socks and ashtrays...the green frosted glass ones. But, I wasn't born until the early 80's. I missed the 50's. I know that I will die. Why do I have to live so miserably? I wish to die. I wish that wishing to die is enough. But not only is it not enough, it also feels sinful. Even King David wished to die and he did, eventually. And, his life, full of passion and pain, was carefully molded to us. I suppose you never know what you'll miss unless you are there to experience it.

I feel like WOE is me tonight. I sometimes wish I lack passion. I have so damn much of it. I wish I could give it away so I wouldn't feel every damn emotion so profoundly. I wish I could place my yearnings in a box and ship them distances from me. I wish I could pull the reminiscence of my past from my gut and stop living in fear and pain. I scream silently because noise only scares everyone around me. I have enough of that noise around my boot straps. I pull them up so tightly. I wish I could pull them off and throw them away. But instead I decorate them to look pretty, pretty like the smile on my face. No one ever really knows because everything ends.

Beautifully written, by the way.

And yes, everything ends, but I have found that's what makes life more enjoyable. If there were no deadlines, we'd be able to put off living for forever. Instead, we are forced to live in the here and now because whether or not we have tomorrow is uncertain.

I found that I feel better thinking about it that way when I wind up feeling the way you do right now.

cashart10 · Jan 17, 2016, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bonbon942

Beautifully written, by the way.

And yes, everything ends, but I have found that's what makes life more enjoyable. If there were no deadlines, we'd be able to put off living for forever. Instead, we are forced to live in the here and now because whether or not we have tomorrow is uncertain.

I found that I feel better thinking about it that way when I wind up feeling the way you do right now.

Thank you and welcome to PC. This is a wonderful support group and a place to make friendships with those who understand. Thank you for the positive outlook; I need to hear it!

Bonbon942 · Jan 18, 2016, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you and welcome to PC. This is a wonderful support group and a place to make friendships with those who understand. Thank you for the positive outlook; I need to hear it!

You're welcome!

intergalactictraveler · Jan 19, 2016, 11:44 AM

cashart10,

I, too, feel everything quite intensely; pleasure, pain, sadness, loss, regrets. More and more, I feel like it hurts to live, but as emotionally uncomfortable as my life is, I don't want to give it up. "The joyful participation in the sorrows of life", is how Joseph Campbell described it.

I'm not a religious person or even spiritual. I don't know why we're here and I don't know why we die. But it's life and I'll take it.

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