[Grace205]

I'm so upset right now. My husband has been weaned off of lexipro and now started (only one day) on Valpro Beta Chrono 300mg.
Lately he becomes enraged over the smallest things (someone's movie review, a person's tweet about a politician, etc.). This will set him off for hours of yelling and cursing.

We are both employed and living completely off our savings, and yet he'll buy loads of junk (magazines, cigarettes, beer, CDs, DVDs, etc.). If I try to reason with him, he says, "it's just a few bucks!", but of course, all those "few bucks" add up to hundreds of dollars by the end of the month. So frustrating.

I have been trying to prepare for an important job interview on Wednesday which includes a hour long presentation. He has met this situation by playing very loud music in our small apartment, having friends over to watch football, and starting fights with me by accusing me of throwing out some of his medication. Of course I'm not throwing out his medicine! It's the only chance he has to get back to a normal life! Tonight I asked him to turn down the music so I could prepare for my interview and he told me I was a pain in the *****.

We live above a street vendor and see him every day. A couple of days ago I overheard him telling the guy that he doesn't have sex with his wife much (me) because I'm always mad at him about something. Well, where do I begin with that? First of all, he's telling the fast food guy about our sex life. Secondly, that's the kind of stuff about which I get mad at him! Thirdly, why do I want to have sex with someone who will talk to the street vendor about our sex life?

And of course right now, I should be working on my presentation so I can get a job and I'm so upset and crying over all of this, that I'm on this forum instead.

Here's my question to the loved-ones of people with bipolar: How do I hear his insults and then move on to do what I need to do? He moves on about 5 minutes after telling me I'm a pain in the *****. He says "sorry" and then wants to joke around. He'll say, "I SAID I was sorry! Your'e too sensitive! You shouldn't depend on other people to make you happy." (I haven't depended on him to make me happy for years).

Seriously though, I do forgive him (over and over) but I just can't seem to move on to the forgetting part. Every time he curses at me or treats a stranger on the street with fawning kindness, or walks through a restaurant door in front of me and lets it slam in my face.... every time he disrespects me, it chips away at my desire to make things work with him. We're talking about 20+ YEARS of disrespect.

I'm so depressed right now. I'm out of tears to shed.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Maybe go to the library to work on your presentation in peace.

[B2008]

Sounds like he isn't even trying to consider your feelings. I believe no matter how bad off you are you can always show that you are trying. I'm sorry's just turn into automatic responses and mean nothing. Maybe you need a break and he needs a wake up call.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Maybe go to the library to work on your presentation in peace.

Thanks, I've thought about that often but since we're both unemployed, we don't have the money for me to leave for a time. (I realize I wrote that we were both "employed" in my original post! Not true, unfortunately). I do have a spare bedroom that I may just hole up in for a few days to get away from him. Thanks for the idea.

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom

Sorry, but that post just stressed me out. I would look for a group that is for spouses of bipolar people. It's the same reason there is Alanon and AA. Two different perspectives. I hope you find some support.

Thanks. We're in a foreign country so I came to this forum for support. Do you know if there is a forum for spouses of people with bipolar on this site? I couldn't find one. I'd be happy to see if I could get help from someone who's been in my shoes. I really don't like "venting"; its unproductive. I was hoping someone would read my post and say they've been there and did XYZ, and I'd try that. I'll continue to pray and search for help. Thanks.

[Keegan2015]

Like someone else said, this stressed me out to read. I'm sorry you're in this situation. If not a library, why not just a coffee shop or bookstore (if possible)?

The thing about the street vendor is particularly upsetting. Have you communicated to him that this (and his other behaviors) is entirely inappropriate in an effective way?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

there is this:

Partners of People & Caregivers Support - Forums at Psych Central

might help more than we can

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by B2008

Sounds like he isn't even trying to consider your feelings. I believe no matter how bad off you are you can always show that you are trying. I'm sorry's just turn into automatic responses and mean nothing. Maybe you need a break and he needs a wake up call.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

Thanks. I have been forcing myself to be the "bigger person" and apologize for anything that I've been responsible for. I try to tell him I love him every day, etc. (obviously, that's difficult when he's hurt me so deeply.)

I realize I wrote that we were both employed, but we are both UNEMPLOYED. That limits my physical removal responses. We're in a foreign country so I can't go to a friends house for a couple days. I'm going to see if I can visit my husband's psychiatrist. Maybe he can give me some tools. Thanks for your kind words.

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by Keegan2015

Like someone else said, this stressed me out to read. I'm sorry you're in this situation. If not a library, why not just a coffee shop or bookstore (if possible)?

The thing about the street vendor is particularly upsetting. Have you communicated to him that this (and his other behaviors) is entirely inappropriate in an effective way?

Yes, thanks. I told him (using an "I-statement") that when he told the hotdog guy about our sex life, I felt humiliated and ashamed. He aplologized but then said I was being too "fragile". I think his mania just takes over and he says whatever he thinks, regardless of whose feelings get trampled. When I've talked to him about that, He says, "you're always criticizing me" and "that's just how I am. I say what I think.".

I think I need to talk to his psychiatrist to see what I can do to protect my feelings.

[scatterbrained04]

I know how it feels to be in his shoes and how hard it is to control. It does seem like he could maybe try a little harder though. It must be frustrating to be in your shoes! Sorry I can't be of more help *hugs*

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

there is this:

Partners of People & Caregivers Support - Forums at Psych Central

might help more than we can

Thanks. I'll check that out. I'd like to get some feedback on what other spouses have done to support their loved ones. It would be good to identify some strategies to talk to him but learn how to let the hurtful stuff go.

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

I know how it feels to be in his shoes and how hard it is to control. It does seem like he could maybe try a little harder though. It must be frustrating to be in your shoes! Sorry I can't be of more help *hugs*

Thanks! A hug (even virtual) is much needed. He likes to say that there's nothing wrong with him and it's just me being too sensitive or fragile. I'm glad to hear that I'm not reading the situation wrong. I'm sure I could handle things differently, and I'm constantly reading books/articles on how to respond appropriately to rude outbursts, and try their techniques. It's the part about forgiving and moving forward that is so difficult for me. I need help with being able to love my husband and treat him with the compassion he needs, all while trying to push back feelings of bitterness and anger for his cruel words.

Thanks again for the hug... I needed that.

[Keegan2015]

Originally Posted by Grace205

Yes, thanks. I told him (using an "I-statement") that when he told the hotdog guy about our sex life, I felt humiliated and ashamed. He aplologized but then said I was being too "fragile". I think his mania just takes over and he says whatever he thinks, regardless of whose feelings get trampled. When I've talked to him about that, He says, "you're always criticizing me" and "that's just how I am. I say what I think.".

I think I need to talk to his psychiatrist to see what I can do to protect my feelings.

What he's doing is called "stonewalling" which is a term used by social psychologists -- basically means that he's shutting out what your saying and completely disregarding it. It's one of the 4 key elements of a toxic relationship :/

I think you need to stop making excuses for him and address the core issues. You shouldn't have to be talking to HIS psychiatrist about what you can do to protect yourself.

I'm super sorry this is happening, I hope you're able to find a way to resolve this issue in your relationship.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I read a book where a young man is dying of cancer and says repeatedly that it is harder to be his loved ones than it is to die because the hurt will end for him and continue/grow for them with his death. I imagine that this is true for anyone who cares about someone who has any chronic illness. Not that I think it is worse for someone who just has to bear the illness necessarily but I am sure that there are parts of it that are harder to see and deal with than to experience.

I hope you can find the support you need. I know in the US there are NAMI groups for family members; I have no idea if such things exist in Germany but maybe you could look?

[Imah]

Look, I have bipolar. Its not bipolars fault that he is being a jerk. It can sometimes kick in and be the cause of something extreme happening, but not going on and on and on for weeks at a time. It is possibly a bad med reaction - that can cause a lot of trouble (but he is getting off that med, so that might help). But if he isn't see-sawing by trying to sometimes meet you half way, he is just a jerk that is being a big baby and either not caring, or using his illness as a reason. Its not a reason. I am bipolar female age 50, diagnosed at age about 15 or 16 the first time. I can be a pain, but I also turn around and am the most wonderful kind sweet thoughtful person.

Bipolar doesn't mean MEAN. Its him. And he can change, he needs to own it.

[Imah]

Its like this - I KNOW I can be difficult. I have a couple of serious mental illnesses. I make sure that I accept my partner has to work harder then I do at our relationship sometimes. So my response to that is gratitude and appreciation. When I am doing pretty good is the time to talk to me about my issues. Also when I am doing pretty good is the time I do extra nice things.

A marriage is like 2 horses pulling a cart. They both have to work at it evenly or it runs off the road. Next time he says sorry is the time for you to approach him with the imbalance.

[Keegan2015]

Originally Posted by Imah

Bipolar doesn't mean MEAN. Its him. And he can change, he needs to own it.

Preach, Brother (or Sister)

[raspberrytorte]

I've always had the opinion that having bipolar is not an excuse to be an asshole. I hope you find the support you need! Your husband is out of line.

[Grace205]

[Bipolar doesn't mean MEAN. Its him. And he can change, he needs to own it.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for that message. Sometimes if feels like I'm being gaslighted. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by Keegan2015

What he's doing is called "stonewalling" which is a term used by social psychologists -- basically means that he's shutting out what your saying and completely disregarding it. It's one of the 4 key elements of a toxic relationship :/

I think you need to stop making excuses for him and address the core issues. You shouldn't have to be talking to HIS psychiatrist about what you can do to protect yourself.

I'm super sorry this is happening, I hope you're able to find a way to resolve this issue in your relationship.

Thanks for this message. I'm going to look up the four key elements of a toxic relationship. Maybe there's something I can do on my end to make it less toxic. I'll make an appointment with my own therapist to see what I can do for me.
Thanks again for your emotional support and advice.

[Grace205]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I read a book where a young man is dying of cancer and says repeatedly that it is harder to be his loved ones than it is to die because the hurt will end for him and continue/grow for them with his death. I imagine that this is true for anyone who cares about someone who has any chronic illness. Not that I think it is worse for someone who just has to bear the illness necessarily but I am sure that there are parts of it that are harder to see and deal with than to experience.

I hope you can find the support you need. I know in the US there are NAMI groups for family members; I have no idea if such things exist in Germany but maybe you could look?

Thanks, I'll do some research on that. I'm also planning on seeing a therapist to see what I can do for myself. I appreciate your support and information.

[intergalactictraveler]

I'm the husband with BP and it's difficult for me to live with me. My wife, though, has little interest in learning about my illness and its many manifestations.(We've been together 23 years/She's retired & I'm on disability.) She also has an undiagnosed mood and/or behavioral problem and she's inflicted many verbal wounds on me. My pdoc said that if my wife wasn't seriously insecure, she'd probably divorce me. I do wonder what she derives out of being with a man whose illness is severe and, up till now, untreatable. Our marriage is a mess.

Do talk with your husband's psychiatrist or seek out your own therapist. Difficult doesn't describe living with someone who has severe bipolar. Even if you understand that it's his illness that drives his behaviors, his words and actions wound you.

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I read a book where a young man is dying of cancer and says repeatedly that it is harder to be his loved ones than it is to die because the hurt will end for him and continue/grow for them with his death. I imagine that this is true for anyone who cares about someone who has any chronic illness. Not that I think it is worse for someone who just has to bear the illness necessarily but I am sure that there are parts of it that are harder to see and deal with than to experience.

I hope you can find the support you need. I know in the US there are NAMI groups for family members; I have no idea if such things exist in Germany but maybe you could look?

My pdoc and couples therapist both agree that my wife has a personality disorder. If she cares about me, it's hard to tell, since she's been verbally and emotionally abusive, as well as disinterested in learning about bipolar. If she reads anything online, she's keeping it a secret. Many times I think about death, simply because I feel trapped by my illness, my inability to hold a job ever again and the dysfunctional marriage. It's a prison without bars or guards, but a prison, nonetheless.