[BeyondtheRainbow]

I sent a pathetic email to my pdoc apologizing for being needy for so long and for probably being kind of demanding through this mess. I thought she was mad at me; I think that when we aren't communicating well. I got back a nice, reassuring note that it's all ok and she's only frustrated because she wants me to get well. Apparently having the dr who left gone is making it hard for all the drs in the group (which was hard for me to picture because the hospital has like 60 psychiatrists I thought although some probably don't do clinical work but she does on-call work there and not everyone does so it's possible that she personally is bearing some of the brunt of this) and the new dr won't be hired until July. So it's not just me, it's just hard to manage anything like a complex admission and this is a complex admission. That's why they'll probably wait until next week so that the dr isn't overwhelmed by having a 2nd dr off and dealing with me and whatever my brain does with this challenge. Hopefully I'll know more when I wake up tomorrow since I get to sleep tonight with the valium I have fought long and hard for. (Yay!).

I am so relieved. My pdoc is the most caring, loving person on earth but you do NOT want her mad at you. I always create her being mad when she isn't but I've seen her mad and she definitely has a temper behind her sweet personality.

I'm just glad to know there are reasons and I don't have to start thinking about different pdocs. I don't want to lose her even when she frustrates me just so she is honest that she can't do something. That aggravates me greatly and always has, when people act like they are doing something they can't possibly do for good reason. But I've done it myself many times.

So relieved. I can do this until next week. I haven't even cried today over anything random, nor have I laughed hard at nothing. I asked a friend to pray for this for today when I was completely losing it in the middle of the night and it seems to have worked. I so needed a day of rest. relative rest. Mixed episode rest.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I'm so glad that you got to talk to her and find out what is going on. I always jump to the negative conclusions first when I don't have the whole picture or don't knowing what is going on behind the scenes. I'm glad sh explained everything! Yay for some good sleep tonight!!!!!

[Imah]

Honesty and sharing our ups and downs is actually helpful to them. Getting to 'observe' a swing. Try to be at peace with yourself until you can get factual info. Try not to solve issues in your head that aren't yours (the amount of drs and stress on the staff).

Of course, i would be totally tripping too, unable to sleep - possibly cause myself to trigger. So what is easy for me to say, isn't easy for me to do.

You are not alone.

I'm so glad she got back to you and you'll hopefully get some sleep tonight.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thank you. She's seen this; my last session with her my mood was ping-ponging around. Not as bad as now but she's seen it this bad before. She knows how bad it can get for me with mixed and no sleep.

I have a hard time not feeling responsible for making it easier on her. Which is ridiculous I know; it's her job to tell me I'm over-doing it if I am and to help when it gets like this even though it is frustrating to deal with someone swinging around like I am right now. I think because I worked in healthcare and specifically in psychiatric care for a long time I know a lot about what people will say about patients and I don't want to be the one they are gossiping about. Not that she would but calling her and leaving messages means the secretaries know I'm calling frequently etc. I need to get past my past I guess.

It helps me when I know the situation. If she says that they are short by that dr and that she is filling in that makes more sense to me than just knowing they are short a dr at the hospital where she only works on weekends she's on call. If I don't know that I assume I'm getting shuffled to the bottom while she is doing her normal work and therefore I've somehow annoyed her. Which with my recent moods is entirely possible even though I know she understands. I was a mess, barely able to communicate when I was there in December and that led to this confusion.

I just hope that it really is over and that next week I'll get this med change started.