Do you Ever Wonder if you just made it all up?

The question of whether or not I have faked the entire thing keeps creeping around the corner in my head and I can’t seem to stop it. Maybe I HAVE just faked everything and my meds are making me like this. It’s possible. Isn’t it. I mean couldn’t it be? I just can’t seem to get the thought from my head. I could have just made it all up. But the meds were awfully expensive for me to have gone to all that trouble wouldn’t you think? I just can’t quite get it straight except I think it’s possible. I don’t know I don’t think I’m making any sense when I say it here, but It makes sense to me when I think about it. Has this ever happened? Has someone ever just faked it and not really been BP and it turned out it was the meds they were on making them crazy? I mean I take an awful lot of meds.

What do you take if I may ask?
Sure. Bipolar people have fantasies about not needing meds and it was all a big mistake.
I think it's pretty common. I lived with Bipolar symptoms mania mainly for over 20 years.
I self medicated.
Later when I got really depressed I sought help. Now I take meds and have 3 support groups.

I feel like that all the time. Especially when I feel pretty good, which I do today. I tell myself it must've been something else that caused me to behave the way I did. However, I'm going to keep taking the meds, because I know what not taking the meds looks like, and it ain't pretty.

I, too, have those thoughts but I just remember my life prior to meds and how detrimental it was to my family.

I was so much in denial that I tried to blame everything on an existential crisis for almost three years. I also thought life had been more or less OK before meds and wondered if they were making me crazy instead of making me better, and I asked myself time and time again if I was just making it all up. WRONG on all counts. Being hospitalized in October 2014 broke through the wall I'd built up and shattered any illusions I had about the nature of the beast. It also made me realize that this was never going to go away; all I could do was manage it. And I have managed it pretty well since then...while I've been depressed and anxious lately over the approaching loss of my husband, I haven't had a real bipolar episode in over a year.

I have those thoughts all the time. It's been almost a year since my last manic episode and some weird part of me wonders what it would be like to experience it again.

I only wonder if the imagination part of my brain is making up stories spontaneously and a 2nd part of my brain following along, like a interactive theater? Or is what I experience real? I mean, normal people say what I think is not real.... I never thought I made up the bipolar, but some of the things I think or do - I question later. But I think every single human only believes what they believe because either someone else said it, or they put stock in it.

But really, what is truth?

I don't believe anyone is exactly right. No one can give me a priest, or a doctor, a sexy man, or a scientist that can tell me something about what I should think and have me trust them anymore. I decide what I believe.

I only trust in 2 people. My husband, and my therapist - and if either of those people tell me I am wrong about anything, I find that suspicious. But I also don't trust myself. I ask myself questions constantly - about everything I think or feel. "What is love" "Did I use the right inflection when I pretended interest" "Did I say thank you in a way that seemed genuine?" "Is there really someone on the other end of this psychic connection?, "Is this all in my head?" "Did I really believe in spirits yesterday?", "Am I wrong to not believe in spirits today?", "Am I in the same dimension as yesterday, or in a parallel one?", "Who am I - is there a who?", "How do I feel, what are feelings?".

Deep self doubt is inflicted upon us by the world, and by ourselves. My Goodness- we are labelled with the title 'Mentally Ill'! That very fact pushes other people to believe they have a right to not trust us and that their opinion must be the correct one. Not all, but anyone with an agenda.

I am fascinated by the fact that some people believe they are right about an infinite thought.

I have wondered if what I am feeling is real. I have wondered,"Is anything real"?

Maybe we are the lucky ones. Do we seek limitless thought? Does our soul help us with its whispering, "Finite thinking is wrong - there IS more".

I think I'm making it up all the time. Especially when I'm feeling normal. Then I'm like maybe I just drive myself into depression. But then I remember how the episodes start out of nowhere, no trigger, nothing. And that makes me think that it's definitely something.

I feel like I can't trust myself either. I see all these people who blindly trust themselves & who also preach their beliefs to others without ever really questioning them. Everyone thinks they are right but how do they know? I question myself at every turn. It's making me confused. I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I feel like others don't peel back the layers & that they themselves to be deceived a lot.

I never was in denial. More like I got hit by a bipolar Mack truck. The diagnosis made sense especially after being misdiagnosed with depression. Which led to antidepressants which sent me into a six month mixed episode with psychosis.

I was angry for a long time about the diagnosis. I knew it was true I just didn't want the disease. Therapy helped me accept it etc.

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I still have moments of doubt, but I need to stay on meds for my kids.

I've never felt like I was making anything up -- too much evidence. Two and a half decades of evidence under the bridge before dx. It was already done in ignorance. How could I feel faking of having symptoms of something I didn't have a clue about(?!)

I do, from time to time think about ditching meds though. Usually when things are going well. I perfectly well know what's happened, but somehow, maybe I've got it together somehow and those things won't happen anymore. Never takes long for that mirage to vanish.

^ I feel the same.

I definitely have moments of doubt but I also feel like this isn't being taken seriously by many. I'm doing the best I can with this but many days are a struggle and all I keep hearing is just gobto work, you need to come into work. Work, work work, let them live in my head for day. I have no idea how I made it as long as did before breaking down but I know it wasn't very well. I have a mess do deal with now, I know that. One day at a time....

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all the time ... the depression is very real indeed ... the bp , so says my pdoc's ... begged this week again for an ad , been 5 days no call yet .. not expecting one either ...

It's a fair question to ask but I doubt you're purposefully faking anything. That thinking comes from society - society tells us that there's "nothing wrong" with us and we're making it all up. I landed in a doctor's office for a reason and I have to trust what he says. I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV. I've been advised to be *very* careful about thinking this was all mistake or I've been cured. I need to remember who I was before my diagnosis - an incredibly unpredictable jerk who drank too much and alienated everyone in his family. I don't want those days back.

Consider what brought you to where you are now. We all travel some road that lands us here.

Relative to your medication, perhaps you can speak with your clinician about paring down some doses or eliminating those that might be unnecessary.

Good luck, Sister Bluegirl.

"Go to work" yeh that's everyone's answer to everything. It's ******** & just people way of brushing off your struggle.

I always think maybe it's bpd or just scitzofrenia. In reality I know 5 Dr's and 2 therapists can't be wrong.