Questions about what it's like to be bipolar...

Yes, I was saying both my dad and my aunt had/have BP. I think their aunt did as well, and potentially their father (my grandfather), but I don't know for sure. I was trying to convey that even though we all had/have BP, none of our symptoms really present the same way. BP doesn't look the same from one person to the next, even within the same family.

I regret mentioning it to my sibling for a couple of reasons. One, because I'm a VERY private person, and just mentioning it left me feeling extremely vulnerable. Two, because after I mentioned it, there has been absolute radio silence on the topic since - not even an acknowledgement. A by-product of having had the conversation via email, perhaps, but now I perseverate on how it was received, whether this sibling told our other sibling (they're very close), whether they associate me now with our aunt or great-aunt who are pretty unstable, whether they'll dismiss things I say/do now as just a part of the illness, etc. I come from a family that is pretty focused on success, and I know at least the sibling that I did not tell believes (or at one point believed) that mental illness is simply a matter of will, of mind over matter. Your comment about people thinking it's all in your head really struck home with me. Someone on here had a signature once that said, "I know it's all in my head...THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!"

I think my husband might be more supportive because he has never experienced anything like depression, and he lived through a few bouts of it with me that took up over 6-7 years of our early marriage. I found a great description of it on the blog Hyperbole & A Half that did a pretty good job of describing what it's like. Once he read that, he understood the depression more.

As to the medication issue, I take some supplements that have really helped me to even out the ups and downs. They seem to cycle a little more frequently now, but they're not as low for as long (nor as high for as long). It doesn't feel stable - I still distrust how I'm going to feel an hour from now or tomorrow, but a lot of my symptoms present just in the physical sense now (anxiety, particularly), without the mental crap that typically goes along with it. It's not a perfect solution, and I still get all my symptoms, but they're better than they were, I don't need a prescription, and I'm not worried about what I'm putting into my body. I don't know if this will always work for me, but for now I'm hanging in there.

For me, before I was on meds, I was constantly switching from up to down. Both the ups and downs were extreme. Now that I've been on meds for a few years, not much has changed. I still have ups, but not the full of energy ups and I miss it tremendously. I still have downs as well, and just as dark as before, but perhaps a little shorter in length. My paranoia is getting worse.

Basically, meds haven't had much affect on me, at least from my perspective, except slow me down which I absolutely hate with a passion.

In a nutshell, for me it's living in Hell On Earth, trapped, and no where to hide from it. It's like I've been cursed my whole life. Very little good ever seems to happen for me. I will never go any further which wasn't far to start with. I always hoovered slightly above poverty income jobs because after a couple of good years with raises and promotions, I always screwed up and got fired. Then I would have to take whatever offered me a job just to keep food on the table. I could go on and on, but by now I'm sure you get the point. Yep, it's pretty much living in hell.

Be very thankful that you do not have it.