[bathroomscrubber]

I just feel so alone. I've been mood swinging past few days. I've reached out to my entire family for support because I cannot stop crying. And now it's worse because they are not there. I got "just breath" "stand on your head " and my favorite "there's always tomorrow" what about today what about right now! I even told all of them I just really need someone to talk to. Those were the responses I got when I said that! Is it just me, am I over reacting? I cannot stop crying. I just NEED someone to talk to!

[gina_re]

I'm so sorry you feel so alone. I can so relate, and I think many of us here can as well. You can pm me anytime you need to talk to someone. Please take care.

[TryingToMoveForward]

Families are disappointing. I stopped reaching out to family a long time ago. When they kind of didn't respond. At all. I know how alone you feel because I am often there.

Eventually you find the right people who will listen. Like me, I don't know you, but I'll listen to you.

[bathroomscrubber]

I'm having trouble navigating and getting to messages. I keep messing up. I'm just so messed up in myself right now and no one I know understands or is being there for me right now. I have tears pouring down my face. But I'm not crying. Silent tears and they just won't stop. I've tried everything to distract myself and I can't. Everyday is a different mood. I actually started to feel better but then yesterday happened and then today happened and now I'm terrified

[TryingToMoveForward]

What happened yesterday and today? And what about it makes you terrified? Are you safe?

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward

What happened yesterday and today? And what about it makes you terrified? Are you safe?

I honestly don't know I am scared. I've been taking my meds like they were prescribed. Three days ago I started feeling like everything was going to be ok. Yesterday I woke up and I was hot. So I put on shorts and a tank top. My now ex boyfriend and feels like ex friend says in a pretty harsh tone "it's not summer" I replied I know that but I'm hot. He then comes in and shows me how to use the thermostat. Really? (Sorry my mood just went back to what I was feeling when he said that and then did that. That's part of what's scaring me) I had decided to clean the bathroom as a valentine's gift to him. But I ended up scrubbing the shower about ten hours. In a twelve hour period. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't stop until I realized I couldn't see what I was doing and would have to finish in the morning. I took my meds at 9 my physical energy was drained but my mind wasn't. I realized I may be in trouble and went looking for help. I was trying to find an online chat support group because I have trouble asking for help from people I know. And I wanted to remain anonymous. But I couldn't find anything I came across this site and said well it's worth a shot. I eventually fell asleep sometime around three. Then I woke up a couple times and at nine I got up took my meds. Thinking am I going to have another day like yesterday. Then I got really cold. But I told myself just do the affirmations and you are going to have a great day. I soon realized no matter what I was doing my mind kept going to depressing thoughts. So I kept trying to distract myself. I even tried to make fun of all the mood swings. But my mind kept going to depressing thoughts. So I started taking quizzes on here. Any of them ones I know that have nothing to do with me just to distract myself. Still wasn't working. I then started reaching out to my family. I was desperate for distraction. I posted in here I couldn't figure out what I was doing. Tears just keep pouring down my face. My family isn't being there for me my ex does his best to avoid me. My family said there's always tomorrow. I'm terrified what tomorrow is going to bring. And the tears just keep flowing. I'm deep breathing and they keep flowing and I literally have no one to turn to. I tried everyone

[BlueInanna]

Sorry sounds horrible. Sounds hypo or manic or mixed. Can you call your pdoc and tell them it's this bad? They should help you with a med adjust probably over the phone. The family just wants to help with their suggestions they don't usually know what to say to help. Can you list some things to tell them they could do or say to help? For me, I don't want them to tell me to brush anything off or oh I wouldn't worry about that or oh you're gonna be fine tomorrow. For me, what I want to hear is, I'm here for you, you can cry, we will find a way, I see you're hurting, may I yet you a blanket and a drink. But what words or actions that may halp you could be very different.
Glad you found group here, you're in right place welcome

[Moreta]

I find family that don't have a mental illness don't really know how to respond when I am doing bad. I've basically given up on going to them when things get bad. I usually call my therapist and if things get too bad I text the crisis line. The number for the text crisis line is 741-741 you dial it up and send start as your message. They've gotten me out of some sticky situations in the past. If all that doesn't work I just go to the ER so I can be admitted to the psych ward for a few days while they tinker with my meds.

Getting control of bipolar takes a lot of hard work, including for most the right combo of meds. It sounds like you need to call your pdoc to see if you can get an adjustment. Do they have an emergency line? I know today is a holiday, so the office will probably be closed. Do you have a therapist that you could reach out to? maybe they'd give you some coping skills to use. If you don't have a therapist I highly recommend the book DBT for Bipolar. It has a lot of good coping techniques in it.

Things do get better. As you said you don't know what tomorrow holds, but tomorrow might be better than today. Even if you're better for one day that's an accomplishment. I tend not to think of the future because you never know what it has in store for you. Just take it one day at a time, if you need to do it hour by hour, or even minute by minute.

[Ocean Swimmer]

My advice: Try to remember your very best coping strategies from the past. The answers are inside of you.

Also the basics. Consistent sleep. Look into your diet. Stop sugar if you are able. Make sure to get some fresh vegetables. Eat regularly.

These things will help you to feel better..

Don't waste your time on people who can not understand. They'll only make you feel worse.

[bathroomscrubber]

I am having trouble finding a pdoc that is accepting new patients or taking them with medicaid. I just moved to Colorado the end of September. I successfully destroyed my relationship and was hospitalized the beginning of January. Was there over 2 weeks. I saw a therapist almost 2 weeks ago. He said he was putting me on fast track for med prescriber, because I knew the meds weren't right and he agreed. At the time though it was just anxiety all the time and nightmares, but that was 2 weeks ago. I'm having a hard time helping myself. One of the reasons I've been diagnosed bipolar is because my mother and great grandmother were. And because I was diagnosed at 9 as manic depressive. But it never really felt like it was accurate (for the mania part) I cannot go back to the hospital to get the meds straight. I had a terrible experience in there. One of the staff members broke so many confidentiality codes. I know things about other patients I really didn't want to know and never should have been told. And she showed a couple of us pictures on her phone (also taboo) but one was of her miscarriage. Then she says "oh my god (insert my name here) did that bother you. Honestly right then I felt sorry for her not me. Two days later I couldn't stop crying, she put my business out there too. I was moved three different times while I was there. Had full blown panic attacks each time. It was like they did it on purpose. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm sorry. I've never been in this position before. I quit my job, left my family behind I've always lived in same city as my family, finally filed divorce after 16 years of being separated, to being in the house that I'm no longer wanted in. I'm all alone and scared because I'm seriously having trouble controlling my emotions.

[BlueInanna]

So what meds or any are you on right now? Is it possible to go to an ER and just gets meds? Not get checked in as a danger to yourself? I am not med person, I'm a total nature girl but after bp episodes I've been so grateful for meds. I feel like if you went to an ER and said I have bipolar and am feeling manic and out of meds, they'd say ok let's get you on some. And seems they shouldn't check you in unless you're an immediate danger. But I really don't know. I have a fear of getting checked in against my will. That's horrible how that staff behaved you described. I left my last therapist cuz she was telling me other clients business - that was so weird and uncomfortable.
But if you are in danger truly, please just go check in and get the help. It could be an entirely different positive experience. Read some here, some people the hospital really helps them.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Ok. You've got lots going on.
See if you can get a MD to temporarily give you meds.
It's a total drag ip. I feel for you and understand how you feel.
Get your priorities straight.

What you need first. Write it down.
Then we'll decide how to make it happen.
In the meantime stay as cool as you can.
Much love.

[bathroomscrubber]

I'm taking Gabapentin (Neurontin) 200mg 3× day
Venlafaxine (Effexor) 75mg in morning
Hydroxzine (Vistaril) 50mg 1-2 as needed for anxiety every 4hrs and at bed
Trazadone 50 mg 1-2 at bedtime.

I'm terrified to go back to hospital because she still works there
I'm not out of meds they just aren't working properly. I've only seen a therapist once since I've been out of the hospital and that was an intake appointment. I see him again this wed.I called the place I went to see him and they said they tried calling me to set up an appointment and there wasn't an answering machine. Idk they said they will get ahold of the med clinic and have them call me. I'm hoping soon. I'm just in a mess because I just feel trapped and alone and cannot stand these constantly changing feelings. I know this is not normal thinking I'm having. A lot of the time. I'm not trying to make excuses I'm just scared to be in the hospital again. I refused to go the first two times I went through this in the past. When the alcohol quit "helping" and I just broke down. And no I am not drinking and no I do not want to. I'm just trying to explain. I think I left the hospital the 27th of January.

[bathroomscrubber]

Thank you guys for being here for me. It means a lot. It really really does

[BlueInanna]

Ok. So Effexor - felt great at first but made me manic horribly, bad angry sad crying not sleeping manic. Can you have a phone call with doc & ask if that could be a culprit?
If you do go off Effexor, do it as slow as possible. Brain zaps & flu symptoms for a lot of people. Also trazedone has antidepressant in it I think. I did ok-ish on that one, but bp people often can't do antidepressants. Maybe they'd also let you increase gabapentin?
Seems over the phone they might make a dose adjustment but prob not full on med change? Please consider the Effexor thing - but don't do cold turkey it would be worse hell than you're in now.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by bathroomscrubber

I just feel so alone. I've been mood swinging past few days. I've reached out to my entire family for support because I cannot stop crying. And now it's worse because they are not there. I got "just breath" "stand on your head " and my favorite "there's always tomorrow" what about today what about right now! I even told all of them I just really need someone to talk to. Those were the responses I got when I said that! Is it just me, am I over reacting? I cannot stop crying. I just NEED someone to talk to!

((Hugs)) I know exactly what you're going through. I wrote a thread on here a few days ago about how I opened up to my sister and cried and she just gave me a blank stare and said "like, so what get over it." I cried for hours. I've tried to open up to other family members in the past and now they're distant. I regret ever telling them a thing. Sometimes you just have to be careful who you open up to, even if they're "supposed" to be supportive. Now when I need to open up, I come here! I know it sucks that we pretty much have to filter ourselves around people but people without MI just simply don't get it. I do however have my brother. He's sad that I suffer and feels for me however whenever I'm having a panic attack or a bad day he says "chill and take your meds" lol. Yea, not much support there. Just understanding. If you ever need to just vent and talk to someone feel free to PM me if you use the tapatalk app. For some reason I don't get msgs unless the other person has the app.

There's plenty of people here that "get" you and have been in your shoes. When in doubt, let it out on here.

Trileptal 600mg BID
Buspar 45mg
Seroquel 150-300mg for sleep
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvanse 70mg
Risperdal 4-6mg PRN

I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

[bathroomscrubber]

Thank you all so much. I talked to my mom. She apologized and said she didn't realize how bad I was doing. After my last response I went for a long walk I just got back about 30min ago. I was told by mom go for a walk so I did. Initially I started out with the intent to go so far that I worry the ex. So he would call my mom and they could really understand how bad I was feeling. I know selfish and wrong. But that's the crazy thing. As I was walking I changed my mind. I decided to try and focus my mind on my surroundings not my thoughts. But the ever intruding thoughts kept coming. Like they always do. But I started allowing them to come I started experiencing all my different emotions and thoughts. Really concentrating to understand them. Because my thoughts tend to jump from subject to subject without actually finishing the thoughts. I realized that on this walk also. But it got really weird. It was like I was finding all the pieces of me and trying to put them back together. I kept walking until I was able to handle what I had just gone through. Then I turned around and came back. The whole way back hoping the pieces stayed together so I could feel whole. I didn't like a lot of what I was experiencing but it was like I finally understood myself. Eureeka I found me. On the way back I was actually noticing my surroundings. And I found an actual puzzle piece. I picked it up and held it the whole way back. I then started thinking about different things I've read in the recent past. I'm now wondering if I'm going to be told this was just another episode and not real. Like has happened. I've gone to sleep and forgot. I feel calm now though. Relaxed even. I didn't like realizing that I've even lied to myself over the years. I realized that depending on the mood I'm in when asked questions will result in what answer you will get. And it's the truth at the time. But if I had been in a different mood you would have gotten a different answer. Does this make sense to anyone? Could this just be an episode? I am only asking because I have learned today I cannot always trust myself or my thoughts. But I feel like I've finally understood. I have never been able to answer the who am I question. Today I would say I'm me. All crazy pieces put back together.

[bathroomscrubber]

Could it just be the Effexor now I'm wondering? At first I was thinking I was crazy when it started happening. But it made perfect sense after I allowed it. But I also kept thinking if I tried to explain it to anyone it would sound like multiple personalities, but it's not like that there's no names and all memories are mine, just attached to my emotions and moods. If that makes any sense

[BlueInanna]

I'm in tears about the puzzle piece, that is so cool. Effexor is ok for some bp, but makes some of us manic. Work with the therapist - mood disorder can totally make me feel like different people and it sucks, it's like a crisis of my soul and which mood is the real me. But that's not multiple personality disorder. What a support group like here & therapy (and a lot of coping tools like meditation, journaling, walking) can help with is sorting out these pieces, putting them together, letting go of some, seeing the big picture, seeing that there's always more to the whole picture, etc etc. seeing that it's not all black or white, challenging the thoughts that generate the emotions that generate the responses we could give based on our mood. Hypo/mania can be so torturous for me because when my mind won't stop I can barely calm down enough to even sort out one thought if you know what I mean.
I'm really glad you're moms seeing you & sounds very supportive. A walk is really sound advice. You sound a lot better, but be ready for it to likely go up and down some more. Little steps.
And rxqueen I'm in tears over hearing your brother is being there for you. Even just a little understanding and kindness means the world while we are in crisis.
Big hugs

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I'm in tears about the puzzle piece, that is so cool. Effexor is ok for some bp, but makes some of us manic. Work with the therapist - mood disorder can totally make me feel like different people and it sucks, it's like a crisis of my soul and which mood is the real me. But that's not multiple personality disorder. What a support group like here & therapy (and a lot of coping tools like meditation, journaling, walking) can help with is sorting out these pieces, putting them together, letting go of some, seeing the big picture, seeing that there's always more to the whole picture, etc etc. seeing that it's not all black or white, challenging the thoughts that generate the emotions that generate the responses we could give based on our mood. Hypo/mania can be so torturous for me because when my mind won't stop I can barely calm down enough to even sort out one thought if you know what I mean.
I'm really glad you're moms seeing you & sounds very supportive. A walk is really sound advice. You sound a lot better, but be ready for it to likely go up and down some more. Little steps.
And rxqueen I'm in tears over hearing your brother is being there for you. Even just a little understanding and kindness means the world while we are in crisis.
Big hugs

I totally understand what you are saying. It makes perfect sense to me. Worded way better than I've been able to. I do feel so much better. I guess I'm scared of losing this feeling. I'm feeling whole for the first time I can remember. I'm actually able to smile and talk without the anxiety or my mind wandering off (ok it's still kinda doing it) but I'm so glad you understood the puzzle. I cried too. And smiled the first real heartfelt smile in so long. My mom usually understands but she's got a lot on her plate lately and she also has her own diagnoses. I don't feel like I'm all better I just feel like I finally have me so let's glue this puzzle together and not scatter all over the place, with missing pieces that I have to find. Idk maybe it's just the first piece but the most important one. I don't want to lose it. To not have the terrible pain in my neck and the tense shoulders for the first time I think ever.

Sent from my GT-P5210 using Tapatalk

[BlueInanna]