[Keegan2015]

Does anyone else deal with this? I constantly have intrusive thoughts regarding past manic episodes wherein I did extremely uncharacteristic actions / acted in incredibly bizarre and embarrassing ways. the worst example of this was when I basically had a full on public meltdown that lasted 2 days. It makes me feel very bad about myself and distracts me from concentrating on whatever task Im working on at a particular time.

I've been trying to find a therapist to go to to discuss some of these negative self-thoughts and feelings but so far I haven't been able to find one in my area who is accepting new patients. I try to send out a couple of emails to local Ts every week but so far I've had no luck.

[Tsunamisurfer]

My embarrassing manic messes are too numerous. It has had a nasty negative impact on my self confidence and self image.

Have you tried phoning therapists to book appointments, and then asking some specific questions to get a sense of whether they are right for you? I think it is easier for a therapist to ignore an email and respond flatly with "Sorry I'm full".

[cashart10]

I dated some one in high school who embarrassed me every where we went because he said crude and often very bizarre things. My best friend described an all out panic attack I had while I was with him (and her). It turns out I was the embarrassing one and it never occured to me and he cared for me despite my panic attacks and volatile mood swings.

I have a mentor that I contacted daily (when I was very unwell) with bizarre things. I was so obsessed with her that I told her I could quit contacting her only if "I had my husband hide my laptop" so I could leave her alone.

I told some pretty heinous lies when I was a teenager and manic. It's unbelievable to me now because it was so outside of my character.

I had two one night stands and slept with often 2 people at once. It's a good thing I didn't get pregnant at certain times because I wouldn't have known with certainty the father. SMH!!!

I prayed over people I had never met. I did some dangerous things. Still do when I am manic.

I could go on and on...

I hope you find a t soon. Sometimes it feels impossible to accept the past and move on. I'm so sorry!

I try and laugh at the crazy things I've done manic. One time the bus stop I took was right in front of this hot tub shop. Well the owner had a poster for the opposing candidate I was voting for. Everyday I would get angrier, and angrier. Finally one day I went in, it was full of customers and just unloaded on this guy. Lol, I don't think I even made sense, lol. A couple of weeks later I went in and apologized. Very embarrassing....

Then this other time I decided I was gonna decorate my apt my a jungle. I ordered a whole bunch of pictures of big cats online and was gonna get plants etc. Make it like dark in here like a jungle. Didn't follow through...

I just try and laugh at those crazy manias and apologize if I need to...

[LorrieTorrie]

My past is full of embarrassing moments. In fact, I have a few people I can't even be around now because of the things that I've done to them. I was awful.

[Skeezyks]

Oh my god yes... I have sometimes said I have a bad memory for every situation & occasion! Everything that comes up triggers some sad, embarrassing memory. It frequently occurs to me that I hope I have always been mentally ill (although it only became overt in middle age) because if not that means I was just a bad seed.

I'm glad you are actively seeking a therapist to help you with his, Keegan. Hopefully your efforts will pay off soon. In my own case, while I have talked with a therapist about some of what haunts me, there is additional stuff that is so humiliating I could never speak of it to anyone. I will take it to my grave...

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Most definitely! Mine all hit the fan 8 years ago and I'm so ashamed for hurting my family. I put them through so much when I was in one of my manic episodes during that time.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

It must be very distressing but what is done is done. Perhaps you feel that these painful and damaging episodes could be repeated. I feel like that sometimes - I watch myself closely and have learnt to detect the warning signs.

[Christopher1990]

Yes x20 with this.
It was especially hard while in school because you would see the people that have witnessed you during those phases.
What I've come to realize is people forget. We cannot dwell on what we can't change.

I think I have blocked most of these memories out. Stories people tell me, I usually don't remember.

Senior week was bad. And when I was 20 I had a d.u.i. and completely when off on the cop whilst manic. My good friend got it on video and showed some people..loll. He might still have it, but I really don't care anymore.

I wish facebook never existed and I'm finally off of it.

[tipper1492]

I am the same. As soon as something embarrassing come to mind, I have a way of tossing it out of mind (try anyway) as soon as possible, and think of something else. The bad thing about my Bipolar was I was not diagnosed until age 61 (65 now) then placed on medications that worked. I was in the dark about self, and unaware of things like talking to fast, and getting off subject.

[Keegan2015]

Originally Posted by Christopher1990

Yes x20 with this.
It was especially hard while in school because you would see the people that have witnessed you during those phases.
What I've come to realize is people forget. We cannot dwell on what we can't change.

I think I have blocked most of these memories out. Stories people tell me, I usually don't remember.

Senior week was bad. And when I was 20 I had a d.u.i. and completely when off on the cop whilst manic. My good friend got it on video and showed some people..loll. He might still have it, but I really don't care anymore.

I wish facebook never existed and I'm finally off of it.

Oh my god yes I deleted my old facebook account ... way too many crazy rants out in the public domain. I opened a new account using a nickname where I only am friends with my close circle from high school and college and just use it to check in and see what everyone's been up to from time to time.