[Wanderlust90]

I've been feeling abit better lately, maybe since starting the stelazine, maybe it's too early for that? I don't kno I've just been less angry, calmer, more content. Nothing has happened but now I've woken up with intrusive self harm & sui thoughts. I have no intentions at all of following though with either but the thoughts are there again. Is this the illness? I have no reason to want to hurt myself atm. I've been feeling better about my future & work & just living in general.

[BlueInanna]

my theory would be that you're getting some things sorted & that then the deeper stuff starts to appear that needs to be addressed. If it's coming in as intrusive self harm thoughts, then something maybe trauma needs to be worked on eventually imo.
my pdoc says she sees this happen with me, once i get something sorted out with my kids problems, i finally have space to see something in myself that needs help.
Be sage, don't let those thoughts control you. go to ER if it get's really bad.

i've recently had resurfacing intrusive self harm thoughts & think i may have conquered or they subsided on their own, willing to talk to you about it if you want, but maybe not if you're in a fragile state.

[Wanderlust90]

I'm not feeling too fragile or anything, I'm not feeling overly emotional about it, it's just a weird urge I have, normally I would be agitated by the thoughts but they just seem to be there & happen in a kind of dissociated, calm way atm. I hope it stays that way or they stop completely.

I dont know that I have a trauma as such, I don't think I've actually experienced anything you could call a trauma. Not a severe trauma anyway. So I'm not sure.

It's just something my brain is doing, now from what I've been learning there must be a psychological reason for this, it's not necessarily a brain chemistry problem, perhaps it's abit of both? I'm not sure what I have been suppressing though?!

Also I'm sorry to hear you have been experiencing this too, it's unnerving.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Could it possibly be the change in your meds?

[Wanderlust90]

Well I stopped lithium & fluoxetine about 2 months back, was on nothing & a week ago commenced stelazine but only at anxiety doses. So I figure it has something to do with it but I didn't think an AP in low doses could do it, it's meant to be for my agitation, but it's not at all sedating so far.

[BlueInanna]

that's good you're not as agitated as usual by them. there may be no traumatic thing. maybe a thing that developed during depression, i get suicidal fantasies & it can become a habit. like it's my "go-to place" in my head.
in mindfulness, you'd just sort of observe the thought without judging it, let it slip away and have another thought.
my bad intrusive thought over the years, is slicing my left arm open. hope it's ok for me to say that - there is already trigger icon on here :/
the start of this thought was trauma, my son was threatening to do this and then he did but he was ok (ok as in alive). this was about 5 years ago, i worked really hard to get through that intrusive thought. But 2 months ago his little gf who I love & has been with us for 2 years, cut her arm like this in my kitchen. she's ok but with a lot of stitches. So the intrusive thoughts came back of that same scene. it sucks so bad
i do energy & chakra work, the violet flame meditation helped me before with this one. I let the intrusive thought happen, but I turn the knife into violet flame so when in imagining it go through my arm, it dissipates the negativity.
i also had a lot of paranoia with this recent episode, thhinking i'm hexed etc, so the calming meds helped for sure.

[Wanderlust90]

Yeh the suicidal fantasies part & it being a go to place in your head rings true for me too. Not at the moment, at the moment I'm experiencing them the way you describe you would when practising mindfulness, they just sort of come & go, I'm judging them yes but I'm not hurt by them as I would usually. It's such a serene way to experience intrusive thoughts haha!

I'm so sorry to hear that your son & his partner have suffered this way also. It's perfectly fine for you to express all your thoughts to me, triggering or not I'm always available to vent to if needed. I suffer enough without the trauma, I can only imagine what I would be like if I had a trauma in my past.

[Wanderlust90]

Oh & imagining a flame rather than a blade, that's a great way to alter how your mind is perceiving the whole thing & to move your mind away from fantasising about what you could do to yourself! Thanks for sharing because I could use that!

[BlueInanna]

yea of course, thanks for not saying my hippy ship is bs haha.
i have no tattoos yet, but i'm thinking of getting a purple dagger on my arm in that spot. only you all here or the most trusted will know what it means. what a huge feeling it is to survive intrusive thoughts.
i am starting crying thinking about it, can't wait to get back in with a good therapist.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Intrusive thoughts are the worst! My therapist and I worked on this a long time ago. I try to remember some of the techniques. Sometimes easier said than done. I had to imagine it the whole way through (mine were different than yours). I know that sounds weird, but it was like taking the power away from the thought. I've had them bad again and it's been harder working on it this time but I think it's because I still am not stable on meds yet. I hope it gets better. I'm glad it's not causing too much anxiety though!

[Wanderlust90]

I think spirituality is lacking in society these days, we have plenty of religion but I see the 2 differently. I've found comfort in "hippy" stuff so I don't care what anyone thinks of it! It helps me & im glad it helps you too. Hugs ((blueinanna))

Thanks hashi!

[Imah]

Originally Posted by Wanderlust90

I dont know that I have a trauma as such, I don't think I've actually experienced anything you could call a trauma. Not a severe trauma anyway. So I'm not sure.

I told that to my therapist once, and she said trauma doesn't have to be like TV TRAUMA - trauma is relative to the persons experience.

Now, my thoughts on your sudden invasive thoughts - yes, I would think of this as part of your illness (and pattern created during). I keep a journal - a graph of when I have my symptoms. I think you should keep track of this illness symptom. IE: 2/15/16 - fine, 2/16/16 - fine, 2/17/16 - fine, 2/18/16 - harming thoughts. etc. ( I have 13 symptoms I keep track of + some health issues, if I did my daily chores etc).

Share this info with your dr - like 7 times over the past month I experienced negative symptoms - have 6 really great days, and the rest were a cross between a struggle, and fine. I managed to get daily chores done over half the month....

This is an example of when my Dr would not raise my meds. Because part of our (well I don't want to say recovery) learning to manage an acceptable lifestyle with this illness is learning which symptoms we must over come by retraining our thinking and behavior.

Not saying this part to you, because you know this - but to anyone who reads this and doesn't know: No medication is designed to put ideas in our brain or take ideas out. We decide what we think. The medication is designed to lessen emotional reaction to a point where we can retrain our thinking to be within perimeters that allow us to function.

This is my opinion, I am not a Dr.

Sounds to me like your medication is working great. We want to feel human - not be zombies. I have my delusion medication is prescribed as - 2 am, 2 pm and 1 daily as a PRN (as needed) and when I have a 'too psychic' day, I take a prn and it helps.

I THINK IT IS GREAT THAT YOU HAD THIS COMMON THOUGHT - LOOKED AT IT, AND WENT - "WELL THAT'S NOT REALLY TRUE"

[Wanderlust90]

Well if trauma is relative then perhaps an experience I had at work once has been somewhat of a trauma for me. I was a new nurse in a specialty area (recovery) with minimal support at the time, in a very quiet private hospital when the patient I was caring for suddenly ruptured her aorta, 14 hours later & the patient survived but I think about it alot & its still very upsetting even though it couldn't have had a better outcome. It has made me question my abilities & feel always undertrained/undereducated for the role. It's not really a personally trauma but it makes me anxious at work & I think the stress was intensifying negative moods & cycling.

Great suggestion to track specific symptoms daily as I've only been charting mood as a whole & thats difficult if your not really sure how you feel haha.

I agree that the stelazine is probably working. I have felt a change overall in my feelings toward life in general, it's subtle but significant to me. So now the hard work, therapy & challenging my silly thoughts! It's awesome to feel like things might be turning around finally. I'm feeling ready to go back to work soon. I hope this lasts haha, it's a different feeling from the hypomanic switch, I'm not bouncing around like a moron.

So appreciate all your input guys.