Andi

Andi Maria
A friend decided she had been here long enough and took her life last night, chronic pain, and couldn’t cope with BP. I'm sitting here at my computer trying one last time to help you understand. As tears roll down my face, I’m in a state of loss and mass confusion. One more time I will try to explain me- me!
Please understand that being sick doesn't mean that I'm not still a human. I spend most of my days in considerable pain and depression. If you visit sometimes, I probably won't seem like much fun, but I'm still me. I still worry about my family, my friends, and life. I still would like to hear about yours.
Understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, when your sick for years, it transports you to another place. I can't be miserable all the time; in fact I work hard not to. So, if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all; it doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired. Please don't say, oh you're sounding better or you look so healthy. I am merely coping.
Being able to cope with pain, and BP. The problem gets more confusing everyday, it’s like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day; in most cases I never know from minute to minute how I’ll feel. That’s the worst and most frustrating thing of having chronic pain and being BP.
Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It's quite possible one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day, I'll have trouble getting to the next room. Don't attack me or tell me when I’m down saying; but you did it before. If you want me to do something, ask if I can. On a similar note, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens don’t not take it personally. Try to always remember how lucky you are--to be physically able to do all you do. Remember the old me.
Know that getting out may not make me feel better. Most of the time it only makes me worse. You don't know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me to do something to get it off my mind, may frustrate me to tears. If I was capable of living a normal life don’t you think I would. I am working with my doctors, to grasp a straw to help me. Chronic pain and depression affects the whole body. Sometimes participating in a single activity can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time. You can't always read it on my face or in my body language.
If I say I have to sit down, stay in bed it’s not the real me, the monster inside has taken hold again. BP, chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
If I seem touchy, forgive me it's not how I want to be. As matter of fact, I try very hard not to be. I hope you will try to understand. The ups and downs of BP are hard for you to understand unless you have it. It wreaks havoc on body, soul and the mind. It is exhausting. I ask you to love me, bear with me, and accept me as I am.
I wish you could understand my situation.
To all my family, so many ways I depend on you, I live my life thru your eyes. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out... You are my link to a normal life. You help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss.
I know that I have asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. Today, after 19 years, I draw a line thru the forth life in my book of friends.
This letter might be strong. But with Andi's passing the words just flowed out of me.
Andi, I’m so sorry, I miss you. You have taken part of my heart. But I know my God forgives, I’ll be with you one day.

There are tears in heaven.

Tucker

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

--GGD (Iris)

Im so sorry Andi,
I wish I could help somehow.

Sorry Andi for your Loss...

Both posts are very moving...except for the physical pain...the first post explained a lot that hit home for me...The second post hit home also...

not sure what to say to help you feel better. at a loss for the right words just know i'm here. hhhhuuugggsss

(((((Tucker)))))

I am here and I am listening. You are not alone. I am sorry for your loss of your friend. It is hard I understand. Your pain is real and I can feel it. Your words ring out so much and I can understand what you say. I understand not wanting people to say your looking or sounding better. I know the coping is what you are trying to do. I understand BP and it is not easy to live with. But it is possible. With the help of good friends that you have here at PC. We hear you and feel your pain. It is exhausting but take one moment at a time and embrace every moment you make. I do accept you for who you are, for what you are, and I love the person. Your poem touched my heart. I can feel your words coming through very clear. Keep writing and reaching. You are not alone and I am here beside you.

purplesecrets

Tucker I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

BB

purplesecrets,

I was so touched by your pm. Words flow of your fingers like the ripples of water flowing down a creek. I wish I had your gift.. Things in your life that have transpired are working through, the events that took place can't be explained, but look at what you can do now. I don't know your histroy, I surly see the pain. I'm sorry. You are holding me up, your holding alott of people up. Correct in saying you can put to words what most can not. Keep writing!

Losing Andi, I find my comfort in the lyrices of the music I love. W/O music I would be lost. I thought she had cleansed her soul, she was working the process like we all do. Why this day, this minute everything went black. Triggers, something we'll never know flipped the switch, I truly think it's in all of us. Just a matter of degree, I have thoughts like that all the time. The I'm not good enough for the world.

The only thing to be done now, is seek refuge from the storms of questions of why. And let Andi go peacefully...

Feelin you here, can't tell you what it means..

Tucker

(((((Tucker))))

Thank you for your words. I am right here and you are not alone. I pray you know that. As the days come may you know you are being held up by those here that care. I understand the feelings of what you speak and they are deep. Hold on to those who love and care. The words elude me at times when I wish they would flow. But in my heart they are screaming out and soon they will meet the paper that is so much my friend. Know you are right next to my heart and I am only a pm away--anytime.

purplesecrets

No, no sleep. Spent time with Andi's family, trying to hide from the "why" question.. So sad.. Got home and surrounded myself with music she/we loved. Music was a portal for me and her. We would be in the deepest of a swing, hear a song and work our way out. A six year friendship is not taken lightly. I was told by my father once, that if you hold your hand up and count five friends, you could only count on one, that was Andi... I have found true in my fathers wisdom.

Like I posted to purplesecrets, lyrics the words of a song takes me places I would like to stay, to be honest. As I told you before, I played in allot of bands, music is me.. It's sad people don't take the time to listen.
Andi was a heart-friend, the kind you go to anytime for anything she'd be there. She was a stand up gal... Everything I write is in past tense now, just noticed. Do we really slip away that fast? Life, here we all sit and complain and we're a second form death. So many, are far worse of than us. Starting to give me pause now when I do complain, maybe this is a life changing event that will move me from my altered states.

The post and pm's I've received told me to let it out, bear with me please while I work my way thru this madness. I'm crushed to the core, how, why, didn't she care, think, I just don't know............... It's not an option, you don't step out on people and leave them picking there way through the shattered pieces.



Come to my window, stand by the light of the moon, I'll be home soon....

((Direction))

Andi and I both have/had Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, or Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome. There has'nt been a day since 1988, I have not bee in pain.. Hope that helps..

Tucker--

Tucker--

Take your time and sort things out. We are standing here with you waiting. Arms open when you are ready. Keep writing, keep reaching. I know it is hard but you are doing it. One step, one moment at a time. That is all you can do. You are not alone. I am listening and I care.

purplesecrets