[MadHatter0416]

I've recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, as well as GAD and OCD, I've questioned it all my life but it was only recently that I had sufficient motivation to, genuinely, seek help.In attempting to distinguish myself from my illness I am finding out that I don't know who I am. I've got no memory of life without the madness. I know that when I was very young, friends and family spoke of my having a great deal of potential. I began to accomplish goals and make achievements very early on. I began drinking in high school. I crossed the line into alcoholism right away, I held myself prisoner for 15 years. Since getting sober in 2010 I have managed to accomplish a great deal. I've helped a lot of people, I've fallen in love and married the woman of my dreams, I now have four amazing children, I've become a real asset to my employer, I've started a successful small business and opened a store, I've been welcomed into very selective organizations and people in general seem to like being around me. I still can not see myself the way others seem to and can not accept compliments, even from my own parents. This brings me to my questioning. I have no idea where the mania ends and where I begin. I am having such a hard time separating myself from my illness, it's frightening. I feel as if I can not trust my mind or emotions at all. If anyone reads this and has experienced anything similar I would greatly appreciate any feedback on strategies for working through it. I don't expect any magic answers, I know this will take work, I know it is not a matter of flipping a switch. I am going to support groups, trying out new therapists to find a fit and taking my meds but I also know there is work to be done on my own. I'm just not sure where to begin.

[BlueInanna]

I can't read it all cuz I'm not in a good state I'm sorry. But mania is not you or your soul imo, it's just a mood. T will help you figure it out. It will be a journey.

You are you with the mania. The mania is a manifestation of you but with a different energy that needs to be harnessed to be fruitful.

[smallwonderer]

Originally Posted by MadHatter0416

I still can not see myself the way others seem to and can not accept compliments, even from my own parents. This brings me to my questioning. I have no idea where the mania ends and where I begin. I am having such a hard time separating myself from my illness, it's frightening. I feel as if I can not trust my mind or emotions at all.

I think here you might be using mania more generally to describe all of the emotions that might "come" from bipolar disorder (correct me if I am wrong). Of course full blown mania is scary but there are also all of these little things that we might do because we're bipolar and it's easy to take a reaction we have and call it wrong or something we do, etc, or just view ourselves as wrong because we have a label (self-stigmatization).If that's the case, what you describe is exactly how I felt maybe not even more than a month ago. It's still a struggle but it's starting to alleviate for me a little.

There are a lot of words that other people use for how to start to move on from those feelings: self-compassion, learning what is the "bipolar emotion" and separating it from the real you. None of that really clicked until it started to for me more in my own words and understanding. My phrase for it is: I've focused on learning to see the choice in how I experience an emotion, finding my triggers and minimizing the ones I can, and not feeling guilty my needs are different than other people's needs. Some things are easier for people who don't have bipolar, but that doesn't mean I should force myself to do meaningless hard things and then beat myself up over it (i.e. give yourself a break).

Listen, my p-doc calls me smart at meetings constantly and I bristle at it. The only times I think I am smart I am (hypo)manic and it feels like a symptom. Rather than dwell on that, I'd say "that's how other people can see me. I don't have a euthymic setting where I see myself as smart" - but I can try not to see myself as dumb and beat myself up constantly.

Hope some of that sounds like what you were asking. Not a great/prolific poster.

[MadHatter0416]

Thank you very much! I have only just begun this work and it is very encouraging to hear that someone else has experienced very similar thoughts and emotions, followed by coming out the other side for the better. You are correct in that I used the term, "mania," in a too broad a sense. I know that there have been instances when I have been able to do a little more or feel at least a little smarter during hypo-mania.I've always hoped that I could sustain those times, never understood that it was actually part of my illness until a couple weeks ago. When I become manic it is extremely scary for me, the walls close in, I convince myself that my world is unraveling and I believe things are real that couldn't be further from the truth. It is panic, it is frightening, it is horrible. I have always been terrible about punishing myself, I am trying very hard not to this now. It is a trigger for me without question. I am working to stay in the solution and not dwell in the problem, sometimes that is easier said than done but I keep on trying. I hope someday to embrace who and what I am, to see and use my condition as an asset rather than a sentence.Your words spoke to me deeply and your compassion has done me a great deal of good today!

[pirilin]

Hi friend,

Old saying:
You are not who you think you are.
You are how others perceive you are.
Hard to digest when we are fighting internal battles with ourselves.

From what you said, I see a very productive and well rounded person.
You have accomplished the hard part of life. You are a winner.

I'm not qualified to give you any specific advise, olny to wish you the best
in your future endeavors. Hang in there. You already did the heavy lifting.

[Victoria'smom]

don't think of yourself as separate you'll go crazy. Start identifying with the depression first. Yes x just happens I should feel down about it but should I really fall this far down. When you get good at that start doing x just happens should I be jumping to y conclusion. Consult your wife with any big stuff.

[MadHatter0416]

Originally Posted by pirilin

Hi friend,

Old saying:
You are not who you think you are.
You are how others perceive you are.
Hard to digest when we are fighting internal battles with ourselves.

From what you said, I see a very productive and well rounded person.
You have accomplished the hard part of life. You are a winner.

I'm not qualified to give you any specific advise, olny to wish you the best
in your future endeavors. Hang in there. You already did the heavy lifting.

Your words echo something someone very close to me told me in the hospital a couple weeks ago. Its been very hard for me to digest, he said "you know one of the biggest problems I see for you is that you don't give yourself any credit, you've never developed self worth." I didn't want to hear this but I have come to accept there is a great deal of truth in it for me. My perception of myself has never aligned or even approached that of which what others seem to see in me. I never learned to love me.
Thank you so very much, we don't always have to have formal training to make a positive impact in someone else's world. You've certainly done that for me today!

[MadHatter0416]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

don't think of yourself as separate you'll go crazy. Start identifying with the depression first. Yes x just happens I should feel down about it but should I really fall this far down. When you get good at that start doing x just happens should I be jumping to y conclusion. Consult your wife with any big stuff.

I could immediately see that I would benefit greatly in putting this into practice. I've only just begun to be able to start looking at my emotions objectively. These are the kinds of skills I know will make my life much more manageable and enjoyable, My wife is my biggest support, I know that more often than not she can see the reality in me better than I can. I doubt I'd have sought help to begin with had it not been for honesty. I know that trusting in her is one of the wisest moves I will ever make. Thank you so much for the input, it is invaluable for me.