[SamJam24]

For some reason the second half of the day is usually the hardest. All those anxious, confused and upsetting thoughts come out to play and wreak havoc on my mood.

I haven't had an outlet for these devastating periods so my hope is to get some kind of relief by putting it out into the world. I wish these feelings on no one, but maybe it would feel better knowing I'm not the only one.

From the outside looking in my life has improved immensely in the last year since my diagnosis. I've just bought a new car, I have a job where I'm treated extremely well and am on my third "promotion". I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and he's stuck by me and been unbelievably patient and kind through my ups and downs, even though he should've left my crazy *** a long time ago!

Even with all of these great things I'm feeling so.. Empty. So lackluster. Like something's missing. And it aches when I think about it, deep in my chest like a black hole that will suck up every good emotion. This is nothing like depression where I feel heavy and sluggish, nor mania which feels like I'm dancing through the world. I'm not medicated, but am very self aware so don't find it necessary day to day. Ive been subconsciously gathering triggers and coping mechanisms for years, even before diagnosis, but many of those things are unavailable to me now and many of them I no longer have the passion for.

Where did my zest for life go? Will it ever come back? These are the questions that haunt me as I think about how I'm going through the motions of life. Who's life am I living if not my own, and why can't I be grateful for everything that I have?

So I sit at my desk and do my best not to cry on the days I don't have something distracting enough to quiet my mind.

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?"


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[seoultous]

You sound depressed. That empty feeling - is it anhedonia where you feel nothing?

[SamJam24]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. Could be, I've been through some unfortunate depressive episodes but this doesn't feel like it. More like I'm reaching for emotions that aren't there anymore? Or as my therapist suggested, I'm used to feeling everything so extremely that a "typical" mood of happiness or sadness feels too shallow.

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[BlueInanna]

Hi Sam, sounds like hypo/mania coming on. You said you want to quiet your mind... That and the boredom would be signs it's coming on for me. I get restless. mania is not always fun and dancing.
If you're interested in trying meds, maybe get an appointment lined up cuz sometimes there's a long wait.
If you don't want meds, try exercise, sex (with your boyfriend only haha!), relaxing herbs, music, hiking? Watch out for anger outbursts, reckless behavior, spending too much money, the usual hypo/mania stuff.

[SamJam24]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Hi Sam, sounds like hypo/mania coming on. You said you want to quiet your mind... That and the boredom would be signs it's coming on for me. I get restless. mania is not always fun and dancing.
If you're interested in trying meds, maybe get an appointment lined up cuz sometimes there's a long wait.
If you don't want meds, try exercise, sex (with your boyfriend only haha!), relaxing herbs, music, hiking? Watch out for anger outbursts, reckless behavior, spending too much money, the usual hypo/mania stuff.

Hi there not sure if I'm replying correctly with the quote.. Still very new to this. I really appreciate your reply, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with the restless side of hypo/mania!

I had no idea that's (hypo) what I was experiencing for years, until I had a true manic episode which was absolutely enthralling (other than the horrible credit card debt I racked up). I've been considering medicating for my anxiety, think that exacerbates the negative aspects of hypo/mania and intend to set up a psych appt.

Thank goodness for certain herbal supplements! That's one of the easiest ways to calm myself, just last night going home feeling like a ball of pent up negative energy, sobbing/crying/wailing very unattractively in my car all the way from work, and all I had to do was relax with a bowl on the couch and the mood change was almost instantaneous.

Do you use prescription meds?

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[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by SamJam24

Hi there not sure if I'm replying correctly with the quote.. Still very new to this. I really appreciate your reply, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with the restless side of hypo/mania!

I had no idea that's (hypo) what I was experiencing for years, until I had a true manic episode which was absolutely enthralling (other than the horrible credit card debt I racked up). I've been considering medicating for my anxiety, think that exacerbates the negative aspects of hypo/mania and intend to set up a psych appt.

Thank goodness for certain herbal supplements! That's one of the easiest ways to calm myself, just last night going home feeling like a ball of pent up negative energy, sobbing/crying/wailing very unattractively in my car all the way from work, and all I had to do was relax with a bowl on the couch and the mood change was almost instantaneous.

Do you use prescription meds?

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Yes I have some meds. For now at least. I think someday I'll be medfree again. I needed relief.

Lmao most sincerely that you're driving having a crying spell and say how unattractive!! I say the same stuff.

[SamJam24]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Yes I have some meds. For now at least. I think someday I'll be medfree again. I needed relief.


Lmao most sincerely that you're driving having a crying spell and say how unattractive!! I say the same stuff.

My hope has been to stay med free but these "brain tornadoes" as I like to call them make the day to day responsibilities too hard. Guess I'm looking for that relief too, last time I thought relief would be Prozac, ha!

Lol even at the time I kept thinking how terrible I sounded and was really grateful that I was alone in the car to shriek like a banshee! I think we all have these moments, some people do them alone and others very publicly.

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[Treyfrancis21]

I get the emptiness. I have it when depressed. I have it when hypo. I have it when mixed. Like there is a big hole inside me and nothing, not drugs, sex, physical activity, will do anything to satiate the desire to fill that hole. Sorry you are having this **** too.

[SamJam24]

Originally Posted by Treyfrancis21

I get the emptiness. I have it when depressed. I have it when hypo. I have it when mixed. Like there is a big hole inside me and nothing, not drugs, sex, physical activity, will do anything to satiate the desire to fill that hole. Sorry you are having this **** too.

I understand, it's hard to explain to people who don't "get" what that emptiness feels like. The few times I didn't feel it was when I was full on manic, and when I found out the happiness I was experiencing was mania it broke my heart.

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[BlueInanna]

Aww, don't let anyone take that memory of experience of that happiness away! It's still your life experience, even if it was mania. I said the same thing when I first joined PC here. Wondered if all my happy memories were me being "ill". Some wise elders here let me know my experiences were still mine. This bp dx really screwed with my mind! You will find the balance.

[SamJam24]

Thanks, I try not to. A friend tells me the same thing about the many sides of "me"; even though it feels like I'm 3 different people they're all me, just different sides of me. It's been a tough pill to swallow knowing about my BP, accepting the fact that it's not something that will never go away. Accepting that I have to spend my life taking that extra mile to remain balanced even though it would be so much easier to bury my head in the sand and ignore it. Seems like this is a good community to be involved with, only wishing I had reached out sooner!

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