I can't get relief

I feel so anxious, and I have been spiraling down for some time. It was awful this weekend, but yesterday wasn't too bad. Even my husband thought I seemed a little better. He thinks it's related to my hormones; because I'm at the end of my cycle, I thought yesterday meant he was right, and I'm getting a little better - that it was just really bad PMS or something.

Then today, I'm jumping out of my skin again. I want to scream, cry, curl up in a ball, disappear, have no responsibilities left, have no one that depends on or cares for me left. I can't concentrate on any work, and I'm afraid it's going to get really obvious soon if I can't get it together. I don't want to see anyone I don't have to, including several social engagements this week and a class that we attend regularly. I think I'm skipping the class again tonight. I'm seeing a friend of mine tomorrow for some physical therapy, and she's having a huge birthday bash Friday - I'm trying to figure out how to skip that...it sounds awful to me to try to go to that. I attended a baby shower last weekend, and didn't realize until I showed up that I didn't dress appropriately (I was still in clothes I meant to wear to the feed store to pick up chicken coop supplies), didn't put any makeup on, and had even forgotten to comb my hair that day.

I want to hit my head against a wall, and right now I'm stuck in that thought for some reason. Self-harm/self-injury isn't typically something I do. I'm not sure what I want right now - a glass of wine, a muscle relaxer & my bed, ???

I just want to disappear...

I'm sorry you're struggling, and I wish I had some good advice for you right now. But I've had these same experiences as well. I hope you're able to find some relief soon. Please take care.

Are there times you can't tell much difference between ideation and more serious thoughts?

I mean I've had the same thought cross my mind to just leave it all and not deal with this and all the responsibilities that come with life. But then as I actually think about how I would be able to do that...I come to the conclusion that it really doesn't make sense. I too try and avoid most social situations as well and it's to the point that I'm not really invited out anymore.
For me, when I really think about what will happen if I do what I really want to do instead of what I should do, I realize that I have to do what I should because I have nothing to fall back on. I live alone and my mom and sister aren't exactly financially stable, so it's all on me. So I force myself to keep going and making good decisions. The alternative...I don't even want to know what it is..

I'm not sure if that answers your question....?

Partially - I'm struggling because I know what I should do, and I know what the responsible thing is, and I know what the safe thing is. But I'm having pretty intrusive and repetitive thoughts about things that I know I probably shouldn't do with varying degrees of severity in terms of consequences. I'm hoping these are just intrusive thoughts and that they'll eventually go away. Some of them, though, would be pretty easy to follow through on. The fact that I'm thinking of those things is new to me. My intrusive thoughts usually follow a pattern of more finality, that I know I wouldn't do and have no intention of pursuing. These thoughts would be easier to follow through on.

I guess I'm mostly worried about whether they're all the same, or if these are different because I could do them pretty easily/quickly without much planning or forethought. The fact that I'm not planning is usually reassuring to me about my typical ITs - I'm not sure if these are different, because planning wouldn't really be involved either way. Does that make sense?

When was your last therapy session ?
Do you go to NAMI DBSA support group ?