Want to give up fighting (trigger warning)

It's hard.
I am dissociating lately which I just realised. Not DID but in a dream all the time. I forget things. Don't know what I am doing. Miss things. Make mistakes. The surrounding and details are all blurred. I am so detached from what's around and feelings. Along with psychosis. I see things and hear things
These people only I can see stay by me. This world is not for me. My mom says some people are just incurable. Like me. The people say they welcome me to their world. I want to leave this place. I don't want to fight or struggle anymore.
**TW**
I want to find a building to jump off.
They will be waiting for me outside on the other end. I want to listen to them. I want peace I can never get from this place

Oh dolphin.
I know how terrible that feels. We are here to talk and to listen.
Your mom doesn't know what she is talking about and needs to get more supportive. You don't need to be cured. You are wonderful. You need help with symptoms as we all do. Maybe give your doc a call, and keep posting so we know you are ok. Hang in there. Xoxoxoxo

Curing is not as important as controlling the symptoms.
Please, work with your Pdoc on this, and be med compliant.
What looks insurmountable today, will look insignificant tomorrow.
Try to help yourself as much as possible. We all make mistakes.

I want to give up.
I was looking in the mirror and it's like a stranger staring back at me.
i am scared to see my dr on Monday. My CP is going to call her about my condition. the dr are going to cut up my brain to get info. I know it sounds absurd, but it's true to me. i dont want to get trapped in the hospital.

Everybody has place in this world. And you don't need to be "cured" to have meaningful and good life.

I have this belief my dr is going to harm me in the hospital. I hate my med though I am taking it. i don't want to go IP, but I can't function in school.

I translated it from chinese. She meant like some people can't be helped. Coz in my country there are 4 students commiting suicide in these 5 days. So she said there's nothing to be done. I am so hopeless

You can always help yourself, though.

And just because others commit suicide, which is tragic, does not mean you are doomed too.

It looks more like a societal problem.

My dissociation got more serious i think
i got this angry character Jude, coming out and talk to me, wanting to kill me
she wants to push me off building, slash me, hang me, strangle me. She's a killer.
My old characters are not appearing much to help.

Dolphin. Are there groups in your country that you can contact for help?

Like a suicide hot line?
Or church?
We do not want to see anything happen to you.

You're a child of the universe. No less valuable than the moon and the stars. Strive to be happy.

I have monday apt with pdoc.
Sometimes I get intrusive thought like urge to run out to the road into a car, or climb out of window (12/F). I am not suicidal so I don't like suicide hotline is right place to go. The ER is open 24 hours and my parents want to take me there on many occasion, it's just i didn't want to go
I have this belief the Dr are going to cut my brain open...

Let us know how your appointment goes.

i am terrified of going to see my dr. It's in 14 hours. I am so scared of being trapped in there. I hate hospital.

I am currently inpatient
out on home leave for this easter holiday till monday when i hv to go back to hospital

Olanzapine is added back on my list of med
reduced hallucination and dissociation
the great thing is I can concentrate better and i can finally start on my school work

I would ask (or not be frightened or anything) for/of an increase in both olanzapine and quetiapine: what you're taking are not therapeutic doses. Considering you take both, I would think 15 mg olanzapine and 300 mg quetiapine for now is really not that high.

I wouldn't take zopiclone and clonazapam at all, but withdrawal/paradoxical symptoms are likely, so maybe start gradually lowering those. Don't just stop taking them, but let the antipsychotics do what zopiclone and clonazapam do now. If quality of sleep is an issue, you might want to take 400 mg quetiapine. In that case, the olanzapine is fine at this relatively low dose.

Great it's going better, but for maybe a few years or longer at the least you really should take rather high doses of antipsychotics. It keeps your brain quite literally from burning up.

No-one will cut open your brain unless an MRI finds something that needs to be removed. That is possible, but don't count on it. Meds are probably gonna be all.

Glad to hear you are doing a bit better, optimistic dolphin! Here's to a continuing upward trend towards feeling good
Sending positive thoughts your way...

Hello, nice to meet you. And thanks for your update on here and on youtube channel.

I've just finished watching a couple of your videos, it helped me to get the picture literally. I hope the hospital stay is bearable this time, I admire your strength and I believe it'll stay with you even when your psychosis prevents you from seeing that.

About those videos, I thought those drawings were really nice. Please stay safe and strong.

I trid 10mg of olan and it's too much side effect. theneed to eat constantly is putting on weight and it's worse coz I am dealing with AN/BN (eating disorder). so eventually compromised with dr on 7.5mg
Quet doesn't work that well. I have been on 600 mg before but i remained psychotic.
My sleep is havoc if I am off on any ofthese med. Olan made me more restless and more dreams in my sleep, so I kept wakingup.
I am DC now

Thank you so much for supporting me
I am currently DC just today afternoon.
Life is still a struggle coz I feel stuck in between sickness and functioning. the med are not helping much.
sub to my channel if you are interested in more update

It sounds like the best thing for you would be to go in the hospital. I had to be hospitalized once and they took very good care of me and I came out feeling much better. They will NOT cut open your brain. They can't do that. What they will do is stabilize you on meds, which is what you need. If you feel like you're going to harm yourself or you are hearing voices or seeing things, go to the hospital. ((HUGS)) Things WILL get better.

P.S. Oh, sorry, I just saw the update that you have been in the hospital. Glad things seem to be improving somewhat. Hang in there and don't be afraid to tell your doctor how you're doing!

I am doing slightly better. but the delusion is always lingering in the depth of my mind. They never go away.
I feel like I am slipping again, after several days being better. I am seeing shadows and weird thoughts like smashing window and jump out

I am currently outpatient for like a week
i lied to get out to finish my school assignment
i improved the first few days there and I felt stuck
the delusion and hallucinations are currently creeping back
my counselor and mom want me inpatient again
my dr said she can't really adjust my med anymore without more side-effect
she doesn't give me prn med which makes me not want to seek help from her
i am so trapped, exam in may and i have loads to prep with a mind that doesn't cooperate