[Grim_potatoe]

Hello all,

I am rather tired and english is not my main language, but I will try to write as clearly as possible.

I am 25 years old and have had three hospitalizations in my life. One at 19, one at 23 and one at 25. During my recent hospitalization the doctors thought that "I might have bipolar disorder", since then I've been on lithium.

A description of my hospitalizations:

1) 1st

It was just about to finnish high school, and I suddenly got problems with my ears. My hearing was very much affected. I panicked about this situation because I thought my life now was ruined. I went to many doctors and kept obsessing about my ears. I just couldnt relax and just let my ears heal in time. I went to so many doctors. This continued for maybe 3 months or so, I cant really remember.

The plan for me was to move abroad after high school because I had a job in the hotel industry. Because of my problems with my hearing, I had to stay home. This of course made me depressed. As time went by, and I kept obsessing about my hearing problems and my failure to move abroad, I developed panic attacks. The attacks continued, and eventually I was hospitalized because my grandfather (who I lived with) just couldn't handle me.

I was released after about 3-4 days when Lyrica helped me stop my panic attacks.

2) 2nd

I went with my ex girlfriend to a new city because we were going to study together at university. I thought the studies were difficult. My girlfriend was very jealous so I couldn't get to know my classmates outside of class as much as I wanted. I tried to study real hard but it just didnt go as well as I wanted, and I started to get very stressed out. Eventually every day felt like a failure.

I remember for example one day when me and my girlfriend got home and the plan was for both of us to study. She was sitting in one room, and I sat in the kitchen. After about 15 mins or so I just flipped out. I started screaming at my girlfriend and then I didn't get anything more done that night. The pattern of me not feeling effective in my studies continued. One day for example we went home to my girlfriends parent and I just kept crying all the time. I was devastated for my failure. Shortly after this I quit my programme, convinced that I had chosen the wrong degree.

We stayed in the city because my girlfriend was still studying. I took a job as a waiter. A month or so after I quit the studies I started to become depressed. I couldn't get my mind off that I had made the wrong decision to quit my studies. I thought about it all the time. With time I quit eating, lay in bed all day, and started to get into arguments with my girlfriend. I thought I had ruined my life.

Eventually we both moved back to our home town. I took one of my old jobs, caring for disabled people. I was still very depressed. Eventually I started losing my grip on reality. I cant remember everything. But with time me and my girlfriend even hit each other. Very sad. And in the end I thought my employer was gonna put the police on me because I looked "out of shape at work" (which wasnt really true, really). So I called my mother that I was gonna take the plane to Asia because the police were going to get me. She called the police, and then I was hospitalized for the 2nd time.

3) 3rd

After my 2nd hospitalization I eventually moved to another city alone and tried to study the same degree again. It worked well for 2.5 years. During the last term I had gotten uncertain about my degree again. Was I studying the wrong degree? I kept thinking about other alternatives all the time during the last term. When we got off from school for christmas I fell into depression right away. When I left school from the last class of the term I didnt know where to go. I remember going to a mall and just feeling lost in life.

After a couple of days I went home to my old town, because I thought it would make me feel better. Things just got worse. As soon as I came home I felt like a total failure in life. Why did I choose this bloody degree? I kept obsessing about other alternatives, and kept wondering if I had chosen the wrong degree. I felt depressed.

I went to my mother for christmas. It was a horrible christmas. I was very depressed. Just wanted to sleep and felt very down.

When school started again I was still very depressed. By the time the first exam was given to us I had started to lost my grip of reality. I tried to do the exam paper despite the fact that I had lost my ability to sleep. I remember walking around campus psychotic, when I realised I couldnt do the exam.

Eventually I chose to take a gap-year. I didnt know if I want to study this anymore, and I was still depressed. Eventually I stopped eating. I couldnt sleep. I thought that my neighbours were listening to me. In the end I tried to hang myself. My mother found out and drove me to hospital. I spent one month there.

General facts about me

*I have been depressed many times over the years, but not so severe as these episodes above.

*I have never been manic

*During periods in my life I have been very productive. Very good grades, hold jobs the same time as studying, doing lots of exercise... I call this being goal-oriented, not hypomanic. Ok, sometimes I think a lot, and I get ideas of new hobbys to pursue... very goal-oriented.. I also sometimes listen to motivation videos on youtube and feel "pumped up" or "very strong mentally".. but I dont think this is being hypomanic...

*During my 3rd hospitalization the doctors said that bipolar disorder was likely from their observations of me in the clinic. Yes, I got very "up" soon after I was hospitalized. Started doing internet dating a lot for example... Well, if they throw every medication they have at you, and give you ECT three times a week, you get pretty speedy and excited dont you? I might be wrong here but its my opinion

Sorry for a very long text. But its hard to understand my situation otherwise. What are your thoughts? Do you think I have bipolar disorder? My doctors still arent sure yet, and I am going to meet a new one at monday. When I do tests for bipolar like MDQ I get a negative, and tests for bipolar like BDS I only score a "moderately likely... My gut is telling me that I dont have bipolar disorder, and just want to quit Lithium because I feel apathetic.

[Grim_potatoe]

Bump... some input really appreciated.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Grim_potatoe: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be beneficial.

I don't know whether or not you are bipolar. This is really for a trained mental health professional to determine. A similar sort of thing happened to me a few years ago. While I was in the hospital, the psychiatrist who was treating me concluded that there might be a bipolar element to my depression. So she put me on Abilify.

Personally I look at all of the various diagnoses mental health professionals give us as just being a way of categorizing us... mostly for their own convenience. Every mental health professional I have seen, over the years, has had a little different perspective with regard to what's going on with me. Yet through it all, I was the same person. And, in the end, it hasn't ever seemed to make much of a difference one way or another. But... good luck with your efforts. I hope you find the correct diagnosis for you...

[venusss]

None of these scream typical bipolar to me.

It's more of combination of bad life circumstances and possibly bad decisions and some possible MH issue that is hard to diagnose from afar.

[Nammu]

Bipoar is on a spectrum you may be in the middle or bipoar II category. If you were in the hospital for a month then they had lots of time to observe so they are probably right.

[MusicLover82]

Sometimes mood shifts are not always typical. Hypomania can often be present as rage or anxiety, not only elation. I often get "mixed episodes" where I feel an overall agitation and anxiety, not a classic depressive or hypomanic symptom. Just a thought to consider. Best wishes in your treatment! I hope you're telling your doctor how you feel about the Lithium. Doctors often prescribe more than one drug at a time to balance things out. Good luck!

[Grim_potatoe]

Thanks for your answers.

The problem right now is that the last episode has ruined my thoughts about the future and I have suicidal thoughts because I dont know how to become happy again. I could cope with my first two episodes, but now its mentally game over because my "bad-memory-trunk" is full.

Anyone got any idea how to go on after a really horrible episode that caused really bad consequences? I just want to leave the world and my problems right now. Meds can make you feel better, but they cant change what have happend or make you set goals for the future again.

[raspberrytorte]

To me it sounds like you get episodes of psychotic depression. I don't know about bipolar.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by Grim_potatoe

Thanks for your answers.

The problem right now is that the last episode has ruined my thoughts about the future and I have suicidal thoughts because I dont know how to become happy again. I could cope with my first two episodes, but now its mentally game over because my "bad-memory-trunk" is full.

Anyone got any idea how to go on after a really horrible episode that caused really bad consequences? I just want to leave the world and my problems right now. Meds can make you feel better, but they cant change what have happend or make you set goals for the future again.

From my experience, when my brain chemistry becomes regulated (back in balance), all those bad memories are no longer at the front of my mind and life becomes happy again. I believe that can happen for you, too. Communicate with your doctor ASAP how you are feeling, and if you have overwhelming suicidal thoughts, get checked into a hospital to get straightened out. ((HUGS)) It will get better!

welcome, Grim_potato!
First of all, rest assured, your English is very good and your writing is clear and easy to understand. (In fact, if you had not said so, I wouldn't even have realized it wasn't your first language! )

We've got to leave diagnosis to the professionals. That said, it's possible that it could be bipolar. You said at your most recent stay, the doctors had mentioned it as a possibility. Were they regular doctors or were they specialized in psychological issues? (Non-specialists really don't have the knowledge to make good determinations.)

Skeezyks makes a good point. Even among specialists, there is not always agreement, and regardless of their conclusions, you are you. Diagnoses don't change that. Diagnoses don't define who you are.

Psychiatric issues can be quite complex, and there are symptoms that various diagnoses have in common. It's not always as clear cut as people would like to think. The important thing isn't the label, but finding strategies that work for problematic symptoms.

Would it help knowing that your current situation is shared by many? You are not alone. Big episodes can throw one for a loop. It's not just like you're going to jump back into everything feeling 100%. You can get there, but it takes time. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Don't overwhelm yourself with the big stuff. It'll just make you feel crappy (as you know). Start small. Take it one step at a time. Focus on things in do-able chunks. Each small accomplishment builds a base for the next.