[wiretwister]

those of you that know me , know that I often obsess over things , soon-kyu , mostly , but other things too ...

I know obsessing can lead down dark paths ... anyone have an idea or experience how to get a handle on such ...

"this was a trigger , but I removed half a page of text , just too dark , but it shoud not be to hard to figure out" ...

You see like a lot of people here I get asked every time "do you have a plan" , I always say no . and that has been true , now I do ... I want to tell my new T , be totally honest , but I am scared , althought I am stable right now and have no sui , I am afraid of how she might react or what she might do ... at our third session (because I really trust her) , on purpose I have given her signed permission (my idea) , to tell anyone , anything she deems necessary to keep me alive , am I being paranoid or do you think she will ip me ...

[Icare dixit]

Tigger, I am not sure whether you mean obsessing as in a psychiatry-talk obsession or obsessive thinking, or a manic obsession with something/someone: more like a fetish.

Basically, do you like your obsession/obsessing (too much) or not? Are you afraid that mania might be around the corner if you don't can a handle on it?

What I personally do is just let it be and try to be kinda productive at the same time. So I might not be in control what I do, but a least I make the best of what I do. Some control should be possible though: I do everything to focus on something that is useful. It is really trying hard to focus with a camera on something particular and somebody else tries really hard to grab your camera. It can be done, to some extent.

If it involves spending too much or other risky behaviour I would (with low or moderate severity and no really health-threatening risky behaviour) do things like let someone be in charge of my money, so lending it to someone you trust or if you can get (IOU) guarantees and being in places where people can always force you to get help if things get more ugly.

Distracting your mind by stimulation from your surroundings might also/really work. But just observe, don't interact. Just be in as much as a safe place as you need to be (maybe no shops, maybe no traffic), but with lots of stimulation. Trains are pretty safe and I think it works absolute wonders. When I manically wander and wonder I always visit busy railway stations. The whole experience reminds me of "Waterloo Sunset" (The Kinks/Rat Davies).

Eventually it will calm you down. Sure thing.

Edit:
If your trust could really be "pathological", maybe wait a little longer before you really know your therapist. Likewise, if your paranoia is really strong, just be honest and frank.

[jacky8807]

Tigger

[gina_re]

If you trust her, be as honest as you can and feel comfortable with. If you don't have any active thoughts to do anything, I think you should be ok. She can also help you to help keep your stability and from going down that dark path. Please take care.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by gina_re

If you don't have any active thoughts to do anything, I think you should be ok.

I really hope she does feel that way ... I will be laying my bear soul at her feet ... but I feel I must do this .... see her next friday ... if I'm gone a while ... then you will know it went the wrong way ... or maybe right way ... only time will tell ... Ty gina ..

[wiretwister]

has anyone ever told their med team or pdoc about a "plan" you have ... and what happened when you did ....

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

has anyone ever told their med team or pdoc about a "plan" you have ... and what happened when you did ....

Getting fewer meds at any one time and different ones. But this was never for a real plan, but just that I might feel "impulsively" inclined.

It is one of the reasons for me not to use lithium (there are others).

I think it really think depends on how much you think it would really solve anything. For me it's just as with delusions or hallucinations: if they are kept in the "background", aren't things that truly scare you, make life impossible and/or aren't taunting you every minute or have the greatest of importance, it's fine. I guess it would therefore be not something fixed, what reaction you might get. I would hope not. Correctly judging this is one of the only important things.

A plan that scares you would be fine, I guess. Just don't let it crystallise into something you might find acceptable or even a good idea. Don't let it develop at all, if possible. Maybe make it into a game: how many plans can I come up with. Just so they don't get time to ripe. Paradoxical, but it might work. It is a form of desentisation.

If you aren't scared about the plan, but really and realistically scared you might give in I would go for 24/7 mildly (as in controlled release) strong sedation, if possible. Get rid of all non-sedating immediate-release pills. If you have too many sedatives (so really many) throw them away. The pharmacy will dispose of them for you.

Basically, all depends more on the state you're in, I'd say.

Tigger...
I've only ever really been asked in terms of current situation. You say you are "stable, no sui". If I understand correctly, you are referring to ideation (of active sort) and that you're not having it. The questions, in my experience, come in parts, with the asking of each subsequent question being based on the preceding answer. Ie., question one: Are you feeling sui? (Answer no, move on) if answer is yes, the second question: do you feel you might act on it? (Determining active or passive ideation). If answer is yes, question three: do you have a plan?

It would seem unusual to me if she went straight for question three. (I'm envisioning, "Good afternoon, come on in, do you have a plan?")

Mine always starts with, "So how have you been doing?" It only even goes to the other questions if my answer (or behavior, I suppose) indicates that they should be asked.

Thing is, I do have a plan. Have for years. Question is, where on the continuum of thought level is it? Is it a tidbit of random information (in brain simply because once thought cannot be un-thought)? Is it totally passive thought? Is it something I'm probably giving a bit too much thought to? Is it something I'm definitely thinking too much about? Right on up to it's taken over my thinking. These are very different things of course.

And yes, having explained that to her, my psych knows I could never in 100% honesty say I don't have a plan. But (for me) that in itself doesn't necessarily mean I'm in crisis. Her response is based on current thought level, not simply on account of its existence.

Does that make sense? Does that help you reality-check your paranoia? (If not, please say.)

[Icare dixit]

Innerzone () must've worded it much better, but exactly: does it make you run for that medicine cabinet (or do something else with your plan) or is it just there but rather inconsequentially so.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Does that make sense? Does that help you reality-check your paranoia? (If not, please say.)

yes and no ... I just as you say have run it thru my mind over and over for years ... when I got dxed bp1 , I knew my dream of passing my insurance to my family was over ... any thing I do even an accident is going to be called a su ... no pay off ... but now ... I have found a way to "prove" it an accident for sure .. so now the hesitation is gone ...
... it scares me a little ... I am not sure I could trust myself if it gets very bad again ... so I want to give the plan to my T ... if she knows .. and tells ... no payoff ... no insurance to pass on ...
no reason to act...

but will she see this as a sign that needs imediate attention ... such as ip ... I'm very stable and clear headed right now ... no su at all ... I really want this feeling to go away ... but I am afraid of ip again ... but maybe I do need it ... I'm not sure I can change by myself ... I need to trust someone ... I really feel she maybe the one ...

I really want to live ... but I am afraid of those really dark days like I have had before ... maybe they will never come back ... but do I take that chance ...

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

I'm not sure I can change by myself ... I need to trust someone ... I really feel she maybe the one ...

I really want to live ...

I think you answered your question

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by gina_re

I think you answered your question

that's why I love you Gina ....

[wiretwister]

I am printing out this post and my written out plan will be given to my T friday ... guess I will trust her to do what is best for me .... I really do want to live ... 6 months ago I could not have said that ....

Originally Posted by wiretwister

yes and no ... I just as you say have run it thru my mind over and over for years ... when I got dxed bp1 , I knew my dream of passing my insurance to my family was over ... any thing I do even an accident is going to be called a su ... no pay off ... but now ... I have found a way to "prove" it
... it scares me a little ... I am not sure I could trust myself if it gets very bad again ... so I want to give the plan to my T ... if she knows .. and tells ... no payoff ... no insurance to pass on ...
no reason to act...

but will she see this as a sign that needs imediate attention ... such as ip ... I'm very stable and clear headed right now ... no su at all ... I really want this feeling to go away ... but I am afraid of ip again ... but maybe I do need it ... I'm not sure I can change by myself ... I need to trust someone ... I really feel she maybe the one ...

I really want to live ... but I am afraid of those really dark days like I have had before ... maybe they will never come back ... but do I take that chance ...

Let's break it down.
*You figured out a way around a previous barrier. This removed your safety latch.
*Letting your T know puts a safety latch back in place.
*Counting on dark days never returning as your alternate safety latch is not realistic. You know this.
*You also realize that you would need someone to trust at such a time.
*You have a knowlegeable person you trust. With whom...
*There is an agreement already in place regarding your safety.
*You really want to live.

It's a no-brainer.
Like gina_re said. You've answered your own question.
Sometimes we just get too much swirling around obscuring it.

Excellent decision Tigger, printing it out and letting her know. It's the right thing to do.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Let's break it down.
*You figured out a way around a previous barrier. This removed your safety latch.
*Letting your T know puts a safety latch back in place.
*Counting on dark days never returning as your alternate safety latch is not realistic. You know this.
*You also realize that you would need someone to trust at such a time.
*You have a knowlegeable person you trust. With whom...
*There is an agreement already in place regarding your safety.
*You really want to live.

It's a no-brainer.
Like gina_re said. You've answered your own question.
Sometimes we just get too much swirling around obscuring it.

Excellent decision Tigger, printing it out and letting her know. It's the right thing to do.

Thank you ... your kind to care ... I need all the support I can get....

[wiretwister]

well boys and girls ... friday I lay it all out .. everything .. nothing helt back and all my printed pages signed and dated ... I want nothing left to chance or misunderstanding ... I'm as scared as I ever have been ,... but no going back now ... it is indeed a new start ...

[wiretwister]

Peace , I finally have it . I slept in my bed last night , spent a day sharing , giving and receiving love from my wife . Though my sleep is still fit full and sparatic , I feel the best I have in ten years . It is resolved in my mind . I will live , I will see tomorrow , I can plan for our future .

I'm not kidding myself I know there is a high probably the darkness will return sometime . But I have a plan to survive it . I am being totally honest with my pdoc and plan on keeping a T . Hopefully the one I currently have . I know my limits and will seek help when I feel trouble coming . My next goal is too get control of my nervous snacking . To get control of my weight . Maybe start taking better care of my physical self .
Some where down the road I hope to work with depressed or bipolar people that need a postive voice to tell them it can get better , to never give up , that is a life after mental illness .

Anyone who knows me , knows I have been all over the place in my journey . The trip is just starting , I surely will stumble , fall down and fail . but I now have support in place , including you wonderful friends here at PC , and I have promised to reach out and accept help when I need it , a big deal for me .

Never give up friends if I can do this and find hope , I know you can too , it may not be soon , it may not be easy , but I believe in all of you , and it is my deepest desire that you find the peace that I have today . God bless you all . ... Tigger .

[Icare dixit]

Good to hear that Tigger! Inspirational: really very much!

Keep those eyes both on that beautiful horizon and watch out so you won't stumble too much on your journey! Let others guide you along the path if necessary.

That's one of the most wonderful things I've read in quite awhile, Tigger!

Good for you!

Wait. No.

GREAT for you!!