[TheFunkFox]

I think some things are wrong with me, but due to insurance issues we never could quite afford a psychiatrist. I've been to rehab a few times, and I did get to see one there, but the doctor only came in once a week for one hour, in those four months, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Bulimia, Depression, and anxiety. I for some reason don't have a conscience, now, I don't particularly get the urge to hurt animals or people, but I don't really get sad when it happens. I don't feel anything when I do something wrong, I wonder why that is. It's like I can't feel guilty. It just doesn't exist. I started doing heroin to deal with things when I was seventeen. I've stolen from places and people and now sober I still don't care. -I often feel spacey, like I'm here but I'm not. I can listen to you and respond but It's not me because I often don't remember. And sometimes I will be in my room and when I come out of a trance I realize its been anywhere from hours and hours, to days. -but other days I snap and I'm violent and angry, almost exclusively to myself. sometimes I cut myself really bad but I don't remember doing it when I come to. -Random bouts of anxiety where I can't even go into a gas station and pay for gas or cigarettes alone. That's like the worse of it and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this???

[Skeezyks]

Hello TheFunkFox: I see this is your first post here on PC... so... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks. May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. I can't relate to much of what you are experiencing since I am riddled with guilt. But I do know, from personal experience, how difficult mental health struggles in general can be. So I hope that, in some way, you can get the help you need.

[wildflowerchild25]

If I were you I would look up dissociation. That sounds like what you're suffering from. It's often a result of trauma; if you've experienced abuse or neglect it could come up.

Welcome to PC!

[Icare dixit]

I agree that dissociation is very well possible, but also catatonia. Together with your lack of feeling it could be schizophrenia. You could have some borderline personality tendencies, but maybe not. With a lack of guilt, it is unlikely to be bipolar disorder (you could say that less or no (intense) feeling of guilt is what separates BP from SZ). I am in the middle (SZA/BP, sometimes called schizomania) and I think I generally feel quite a bit less guilt than most with BP (it does depend: post-mania depression is filled with it, mild depression as well). So when stable, I can be quite detached from my feelings.

It's a way of coping, largely subconscious and very much like dissociation (there are different types, but all seem to somehow protect you, but arguably not all).

Losing lots of time could be dissociation but also catatonia. These two are also sometimes quite similar, to make matters more complicated.

If you don't have (hypo)mania or depression, anything affective is unlikely. I would therefore say it could be schizophrenia.

However, it could also be a narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. These aren't very common.

[pirilin]

Welcome to PC Bipolar sub-forum.
We are here to help as much as we can, specially with our own experiences.
I can't give you a diagnosis. I'm not a doctor.
Antisocial personality disorder/schizophrenia maybe.
Seek help. These are serious conditions, but treatable.
You have a right to be happy.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Are you having this lack of emotion while under the influence? Maybe the substances are helping to dull the emotions. And as much as I agree with everyone else's replies, I have to say that when I was heavily under the influence, to the point of blackout, I did some pretty bad stuff that I simply didn't care about or consider the consequences. Maybe it has something to do with my BPD, maybe it's all booze, or maybe I'm the next Jeffrey Daumer lol. Now that I'm not drinking anymore, I often think about the things I've said and done and feel extreme guilt. I will admit I still take part in things to dull the feelings but not like I was a year ago. Just a thought!

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[Nammu]

I thought dissociation too. But none of us can know. It's tricky to diagnose someone in rehab since there's still drugs in the system.

The fact you even think about this sounds like you have some sort of consciousness. If you can't afford a pdoc how about a therapist? Many of them are qualified to diagnose.

Welcome!