[wildflowerchild25]

Does anyone else struggle at night? I think this is more grief related than BP related but still. When I'm alone in bed in the dark my mind just goes crazy. Especially now that I'm not sleeping as well. I just think about how much I miss my husband and how lonely I am. Or I'll think about things that are happening in the future, like how I'm going out for my birthday on Saturday or how I'm going back to work Monday. I just can't shut my mind off. Part of it is my medication. I was doing much better with sleep in the past two weeks - asleep by midnight, which is better than two or three in the morning. Yesterday I fell asleep at like 12:30 but got woken up by my son at 12:45 and didn't go back to sleep until 2.

I'm just so so lonely. I hate sleeping alone. I can't even get my cat to sleep with me. Once in awhile he will but most of the time he's out on the couch. I almost want to get a dog so it'll sleep with me at night. I just don't want the responsibility of a dog.

But night was hard for me even before my husband died. I just don't like the dark. Anything can happen in the dark. I don't like it. I always think I hear noises like my son moving around and then I expect him to open his door and Come in my room.

I wish I could sleep. Or at least take something for sleep.

Anyone else have trouble at night?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

First and foremost I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. At first I was so ready to tell you that I can relate but that is a pain I can't even imagine. ((Hugs))

But from my own experience, I've had insomnia since my first manic episode when I was 16 (28 now) and I've been dependent on meds to sleep ever since! I was put on Seroquel and many others in between from the start. And there's countless nights where my meds didn't help one bit. One night I was so desperate for sleep that I mixed a few meds and almost ODed! I too get racing thoughts of stressors the minute I close my eyes. And although it may be poor sleep hygiene, i have to sleep with TV on AND ear buds just to drown out the thoughts. And 9 times out of 10, the stress trumps the meds and I stay wide awake. Because I've been dependent on sleep APs all these years, it takes massive doses to knock me out. I wish I had the answers but truth is I suck at sleep pretty bad too lol. It's quite common in BP. And the first advice I give is how important sleep is when you have BP. An all nighter staring at the ceiling can trigger massive panic attacks or dysphoria the next day for me and it's played a huge role in my failure at jobs! I guess the only advice I can give is to find an effective sleep med (benzos, APs, vitamins) after you've exhausted all other efforts. I really hope you find some relief because I know how taxing a sleepless night can be.

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I take zolpidem every night. I get anxious at night because I have a lot of nightmares.

[MusicLover82]

Listening to guided meditations help me a lot. Search guided meditation on YouTube, and you'll find some good ones. I have a tendency to have jumbled up thoughts in my head at night, and having something to listen to helps make the inner ramblings quiet. I also often take a Xanax or half a Xanax with a glass of milk to calm my mind.

I'm so sorry about your loss. <3

[~Christina]

Awww hun

I can't even begin to understand what you have gone and going through.

I dont know if the following will help or not but I am going to share it with you..

Alot of my T sessions in the past 6 months or so revolve around my husband he isnt doing well physically .. I am just so worried if something were to happen him I could not keep my home up , I have no idea where I would even go , No family to speak of ...he is one of a very small handful of people that care and love me.... It's really becoming a problem for me.

So my T said this ....... that grief really takes a year to really manage to get through.. as though as is possible that is .. Each season and holiday of any kind is going to hurt and hurt like hell ... He said that first year is important and he always tells people each holiday do something different than you would if your sick from a loss of someone you love with every bit of you.

Nights are a mixed bag for me , sometimes the quiet is soothing , other times is a bloody nite mare after nite mare.

I know if I didnt have my Dog I could at times literally go to bed and never come out. But he demands attention , Same as your son in some ways. DOgs just have that look in there .. They live Mindfulness to the max and I have learned much from my furry friend Sirius.. My Dog loves every bit of me , the good the bad and the ugly. Most dogs sense how we are doing even when we dont think so .. If mine is glued to me... He always knows before I notice that I could be heading into trouble.

So should you get a dog? Thats a tough one.. Maybe check with shelters see if you can foster a dog or a puppy.. You would get a feel for what having the responsibility would be.

Im always around for you

[Ocean Swimmer]

Yes. I was in the Foster mom program after I experienced a loss.
Also my neighbors train puppys to be service dogs. They make a commitment of 18 months. ( 1 dog at a time)
I need to get off the Seraquel , but for now it knocks me out.
My husband takes melatonin. It's over the counter.
Do you do enough physically to tire you out? Yoga, Jazzercise and swimming are my favorites. Lots of cities have an indoor pool. Or YMCA.
If you stop eating early your body doesn't need to stay awake to digest food. You can make your dinner meatless.
I don't drink coffee in the afternoon. Just hot water.
Sleep in the middle of the bed. What else...
I've always gone to bed early. Oh, orgasm helps, not at first, but shortly after.
Talk to your Pdoc. Maybe for the time being you could be prescribed something. A member on PC told me to ask for Tradnazone for sleep.
Hugs and love.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks everyone for your support. I was up until 2 last night unfortunately. Right now I can't take anything for sleep because it all interacts with either the Invega or the emsam. The only thing I could take is a benzo and I don't want to take a benzo and become dependent on it. My pdoc said the same thing and won't prescribe it. Christina, you're right, the first year is the hardest. It's been ten months. It's definitely getting easier as time goes on. It goes through cycles - I'll be fine for awhile and then something will trigger me and I'll get sad again. I had a dream with my husband in it the other night and I think that triggered me missing him. It's almost like he was coming to visit me because in the dream he was there but I knew he was dead and I took the opportunity to talk to him for a little while. I even got to yell at him for being so stupid and taking those drugs.

Right now I'm taking melatonin and valerian root to help me. It's been working, just not the past couple of days. I'm hoping when I start work again I'll be so tired that I'll be able to fall asleep easier. Right now I'm just laying around during the day. I go to therapy some days for half the day but then I just watch tv until my I have to pick my son up from school. I haven't been to the gym in two months, which is definitely something I have to change.

i wish I could not eat after dinner but I get so hungry that I need a snack around ten pm or else I won't sleep because I'm distracted by the hunger. I usually just have a bowl of cereal. Corn Pops or Cheerios, something relatively low sugar.

I just have to keep carrying on, like I've been doing. Maybe I could write in my journal before I go to bed, to get all those thoughts out. That might help.

[wildflowerchild25]

Gearing up for another lonely night. It's too early to tell whether I'll be up for a long time or not. But since I couldn't nap during the day and I'm wearing my emsam patch tonight I probably will be. My mom went to bed early so I have no one to talk to. This is why I don't want to live on my own yet. I like having her to talk to, when she's around.

I gotta figure something out to get over this. I don't know if it's one of those things that's just going to take time or what. I guess it is. It just sucks.

[piano97]

I understand the reluctance on benzos but maybe a low dose benzo? 0.25mg Klonopin at bedtime might be a good option. We've got to get you sleeping well.
Totally different ballgame from xanax, ativan, etc.
Those are bad, Klonopin is not. That's just my opinion

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Early on with Emsam I needed hydroxyzine and a benzo plus seroquel to sleep. That got better and then it's been sometimes I had trouble and sometimes I didn't until the last year when sleep was impossible (and the last 2 months when it has been all I could do). I'm on gabapentin right now to help me get to sleep since the clozaril seems to be more sedating at keeping me asleep than getting me there and that's working really, really well without any side effects. I still occasionally need hydroxyzine but not much and only once every week or two.

I think sleep problems are normal starting emsam and I'm sure grief adds to it a great deal.

Hope you have a great night of sleeping.