[ComfortablyNumb5]

First I want to say that I do not drink anymore. When I did, I would black out. But there's no reasons that I can think of right now. Well long story short... Bf's mom and I do not get along and she is a trigger for me so I stay far away. No calls, texts, no contact. There is one time during a mixed episode induced by lamictal, that I did royally go off on her and I do remember it. That was months back. Today we asked her to babysit and she got mad and sent my bf screen shots of me supposedly telling her that she is overbearing and don't need her charity or to be around his kids. However I didn't exactly say it like that lol. So he yelled at me saying I'm the one that told her to back off so deal with it now, and rightfully so! Dysphoria makes me grow horns! But for the life of me I cannot remember any bit of that convo whatsoever! I actually thought they were just overreacting over a small convo way back until he told me that she was sending actual screen shots. Truth is, I'm too scared to look at them myself because I'm well aware how nasty I can get when dysphoric. I'm embarrassed! But for such an extensive convo you'd think I'd remember something like that!! I've never had memory problems in my life. I'm appalled at what he's describing that I said.

Now the reason I think this was a blackout is because the one time I had psychosis (that I can recall) I had blacked out. This was a year ago on the very day I quit my job because I had a panic attack so bad that my speech was messed up like I was saying words backwards and switching syllables around. That whole day is a blur for me and no I wasn't under the influence. Later in that day when I was having psychosis, my family describes it as I was hallucinating and thinking objects were food when they were decorative rocks and said I was going to my room when I walked out on my deck. This post right here is the first time I've ever talked about this experience because truth is, I'm humiliated. I actually haven't even told pdoc until two weeks ago! She said that the reason I blacked out is my bodies way of coping with the stress of losing my job that day. After this day I fell into a deep depression and didn't leave my room for 6 months. Clearly I've done all I can to forget that day. My boss even called to ask if I was going to come back to work but I was too embarrassed to even answer the phone or texts.

So should I be alarmed by this conversation that I don't even recall? Now if this was back in my drinking days I could shrug it off. But I'm kinda worried here. Was I in another psychosis maybe? I'm horrified by my actions on that day last year and during this convo. I'm too embarrassed to even read these screen shots. I honestly do not remember a single word of this. If this took place yesterday and I just now found out then I absolutely would put myself in IP... Gladly! But I feel since it was months ago that I can't do much about it now . Anyone else ever black out like this?? What should I even do about it?

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[violetgreen]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this, and the embarrassment, and being yelled at, and for God's sake, the woman took pictures! I think she has more to be embarrassed about than you. It's really upsetting to be told that you did blame-worthy things that you don't remember. I think her taking pictures of you is despicable and shows an intent to cause you pain. Maybe you said the thing she claims you said, but maybe you didn't. It sounds like you are feeling a lot of distress right now, so becoming more settled is a priority. Sometimes I dunk my head in a bowlful of ice water, and hold my breath as long as I'm able when I can't settle physically or emotionally. That's a DBT distress tolerance body hack skill I use. If it was a blackout for real, it could be a stress response as your pdoc said. Stress can be dealt with. If you brought your bf to your pdoc appointment, would he hear something that would make him a better support for you? I think he could step up and deal better.

[gina_re]

Im confused. How long gone ago was the actual conversation that you're referencing?

[MusicLover82]

I think you should definitely let your pdoc know about it, even though it's not THAT recent. It may affect how your pdoc treats you now because he/she can look back at what you were taking and dosages at that time.

I like the idea of having your boyfriend go with you to an appointment. If you were psychotic at the time, I'm guessing there may have been warning signs your boyfriend might have been able to notice if he had been educated and aware of what to notice.

Do you know what time of day the messages were sent? I wonder if they might have been sleepwalking? Just a thought.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You will get through it and everything will be okay. Things have a way of working out.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Thank you guys. I know this post was crazy long so i appreciate the hassle. Lol.

Violet- yea it's like she's holding these screen shots over my head. If you knew her you wouldn't be surprised either. I'm going through so much right now between finances and MI. I haven't been sleeping either or leaving my room. I'm actually scared i could have another episode lately. I laid and stared at the ceiling all week and honestly thought about IP.

Gina- i honestly don't know when this convo took place because I don't even remember it period. I'm not asking a lot of questions because how embarrassed I am about it. I'm good at putting my head in the sand.

Music lover- yea maybe I will take him to an appointment. My pdoc is booked till June though!! Because of how bad I'm doing I made an appointment to see the nurse on Monday while my pdoc is working so she can consult with her while I'm there. Fingers crossed! I think at the least I need a new stabilizer now. I need my whole cocktail changed! And I'm scared for that too.

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[Bobbyj]

So just a thought, but is it possible she'd make up the screenshots? It wouldn't be hard to change the name of a contact and text her phone and then screenshot it. I totally relate with being embarassed about texts though, i feel like i'm constantly deleting messages because i've said something crazy to someone.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Bobbyj

So just a thought, but is it possible she'd make up the screenshots? It wouldn't be hard to change the name of a contact and text her phone and then screenshot it. I totally relate with being embarassed about texts though, i feel like i'm constantly deleting messages because i've said something crazy to someone.

Hey thanks for the input. Funny I actually just replied to your post too lol. But honestly I don't think so. She's not smart enough to do that really lol. And with my dysphoria, I'm not surprised about this convo at all. But the black out is what really scares me. Im actually wondering if my diagnoses will get changed to "BP with psychosis". The one diagnoses I've been scared to death to have. And I can definitely relate to embarrassing texts/msgs. I just deleted every text in my phone because well, I had a bad day. And when I go on fb and read my history, especially after being hypo, i want to shut my fb down for good. I've really been considering it lately.

[Bobbyj]

Sure just thought i'd throw that out there, i tend to think people are up to really sneaky stuff haha. I can see how the psychosis thing could be scary. I don't know a whole lot about it, i just got diagnoed with bp a week ago. I've had moments where i've blacked out in anger or ranting, where i don't really remember the details, but i'll remember the general idea of what i said or what happened. I guess that's not truely a black out, but everything will feel fuzzy. Under the influence though i've been out of my mind talking to myself and hearing things along with not remembering any of it, but only when i was dangerously intoxicated. Funny you mention fb i just deactivated mine today, and my first one i permenantly deleted a few years ago. I'd always delete my statuses and such. My old fb was probably filled with awful stuff from when i was a teenager. Lately it has been more of me making goofy statuses or rants about something. I feel i'm happier without one, people feel so phony on there to me and it gets on my nerves.

Anyway i hope this works out for you, don't get too down on yourself, stuff happens we're only people...

That sounds a lot like disassociation to me. It's a natural coping mechanism for when we're stressed out. We don't do it intentionally; it's all subconscious.

I've had it happen to me before. The first time it happened was in my freshman year of high school during Spanish class. I was paying attention during class when all of a sudden I completely forgot what I was doing and how I got there. I literally had no memory of what happened, no matter how much I tried to "remember". I didn't even remember walking to class or coming to school. It was that bad. Of course, I knew who I was and I was able to figure out I was in Spanish class, I just didn't remember getting asked a question, nor did I have any memory of what we were doing. I completely disassociated. My teacher kept pestering me to "answer the question". Perplexed, I asked, "What question?" Then she said, "Weren't you paying attention? I know you were. So, answer the question." I said, "I literally don't know." "Just answer the question." "But I don't know what the question was!" "Just answer it."

In extreme cases of disassociation, you get disorders like Disassociate Identity Disorder. People essentially disassociate their identities to cope with traumatic, stressful events -- for example, childhood abuse.

[gina_re]

Is it an issue of blacking out, or a memory issue? Because I sometimes especially have issues of not remembering I have told people stories until they tell me that I already told them that story. I mix up who I tell what because I straight up can't remember.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Bluebicyle- I was thinking about that too. I knew exactly what the speech issue was called and brought it up with pdoc when she told me it was a coping mechanism. This job that I had the attack at was quite a bad place for me. I was taking my PRN almost every day before work at this time just to make it through a day. I cried after work often as well. It was a family run doctors office and I was like their slave lol. I'm not even overreacting about that either.

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[lilypup]

I have psychosis...hear things and seeing things. I remember my husband asking the doctor what caused the psychosis and he said stress. So loosing your job may really have put you over the edge.